Tag: funny

Puppy Prose

Puppy Prose : …..I shall tear through the soft people clothes wide-eyed and crazed… till I meet the soft (..the bigger humans more wrinkly and leathery) flesh.. until I hear loud shrieks of delight and fancy. …..I will snub the 345 fancy bacon flavored plastic bones in favor of that squishy, padded  thing my mom…

wpid-20150912_102245.jpg

Read more Puppy Prose

A love letter to all Bods.

I was inspired to write this blog, amidst the Dad/Mom Bod phenomenon. When I turned 39, I decided it would be a fantastic  idea to break into the fitness industry. There was pressure to eat clean,  train lean and not be mean, while teaching fitness and testing the   the “21-Day-Restriction-I-might-Faint-Diet.”   It stimulated dysfunctional…

wpid-20150410_142727.jpg

Read more A love letter to all Bods.

ADHD thoughts while Running

I started running in the ninth grade. We had to run one mile for Physical Education and I think it took me thirty minutes. I remember being one of the last people to finish and I still remember the look of haughty disdain from the Physical Education teacher. I was a teeny tiny thing with…

running sm (359x640)

Read more ADHD thoughts while Running

Johnnie Cochran Summer

  For the stay at home mom of two mini-defense-trail-lawyers, summer is our “bottom-line-year-end-push” for the “Brush your bleeping HAIR & TEETH”, Law Firm. Our bonus is calculated in our ability to keep loss prevention to a minimum.  If we roll into the next school year with less than 15 new carpet stains, 7000 door…

Read more Johnnie Cochran Summer

I do not need your approval.

From day one, I learned that approval of other humans meant goodness and disapproval meant soul-crushing unworthiness.  Mark Zuckerburg made a multi-billion dollar company off the approval  concept, that stems back to notes in class; “Do you like me? check – yes or no.” Many bloggers are making a ton of money by controversially polarizing…

Read more I do not need your approval.

Manual & Odes.

My questionairre manual: hair : “multi-faceted-ombre-infused-highlights-lowlights. a menagerie of color.  weight: “actual or stomach-flu-jean weight?” height:  “actual or slightly-tip-toed?” Ode to Pollen Dear Pollen, I know you are an integral part of our eco system and I love you for that, but just an fyi, my eyes are not flowers. I know they are beautiful…

Read more Manual & Odes.

if Facebook were a Woman.

If Facebook were woman TEXTING 1) did u see at that lump pic text? SHOULD I SEE A DR? 2) My meal is FANTASTIC, see!! steak-crab-cake-flamin-fusion with a lime-mint-jollyrancher blueberry-choclate-acai-gogi Berry-TINI. It’s FULL of antioxidants. 3)HI! I ATE A PIECE OF KALE! It tasted like a Carmel MACCHIATO, & I LOST 3 LBS & ran…

Read more if Facebook were a Woman.

Emails to teach:

“— is sick. still hasn’t eaten today. No fever as of this morning but just waiting to see if tomorrow is a possibility. She did get a flu shot this fall..so I’m hoping for the best I’m emailing all of you bc is she misses school she will miss chorus and school class party and…

Read more Emails to teach:

Does your head hurt?

I just spent 1.5 hours on the inter webs researching the best face creams because the news is so unbelievably depressing, every sponsored ad on Facebook is how to get, stay or be HAWT for the damn Holidays  all while mastering the program of bolstering your Super Mom-treprenuer productivity by 70000% and Pin all “dis” on Pintrest. I…

Read more Does your head hurt?

Georgia has Menopause.

Weather in Georgia. For the day. “where are my flip flops??” “hats. we all need big fluffy hats today” “will someone PLEASE open the windows?” “my feet are FREEZING, honey will you fetch me some socks from the singles, sock pile. I’m too cold to get up or try to match socks.” “I’m sweating from…

Read more Georgia has Menopause.

Have you found me?

I feel like my brain is in this perpetual world of trying to find myself. A writer?  A blogger?  A stream of conscious writer-murderer?  A compound-sentence destroyer?  A mother? A wife? A sister?  A daughter?   A maid?  A laundry avoid-er?* A celebrity factoid expert? A closet wanna-be-back-up dancer for Missy Elliot? A Nae Nae-dance-you-tube-watcher?…

Read more Have you found me?

Baby SideBurns made me do it…

This blog was spurred by her most recent Facebook post (www.facebook.com/BabySideburns)* AND, Austin Kleon did write a book called Steal Like an Artist and I’m following all his rules. I am not going to insert her Facebook post of the day because  I do not know how to footnote in the world of social media. …

Read more Baby SideBurns made me do it…

#thestruggleisreal

I find myself stopping a blog or discontinuing or not publishing because I am never quite sure how much information I should delve out there on the internet.   I think the struggle for me in writing (and in life) is with my indecisive nature and the good news it’s fueled some Jerry McGuire moments where…

Read more #thestruggleisreal

10 things I need.

Yeah, I know monks live without stuff, but if you know my writing at all, I  am somewhat facetious so please do not take every word I write, seriously! YES, I do write some serious stuff, but my main goal is to make people LAUGH LAUGH AND LAUGH, be inspired and not take themselves so…

Read more 10 things I need.

Free Your Mind

Shortest Blog ever by Scrappie Momma: I stopped counting the calories, I put the scale in the garage, I refuse to be addicted To this perfectionist mirage Everyday can be struggle Of “omg is this organic??” Bc every health article I read Seems to send me into a panic Health will ALWAYS be a part…

Read more Free Your Mind

Technology is my Kryptonite

Specifically, wordpress, computers as a people and automated services. 1) Yesterday, I couldn’t type on my computer. Its connected (??) VIA wireless mouse and keyboard because my husband thinks he’s Jack Bauer and I’m his hot side kick. I hate wireless attachments because THERE ARE NO WIRES TO FIGURE OUT THE PROBLEM. Ask me. Yes.…

Read more Technology is my Kryptonite

Do pistachios grow on cheese?

href=”https://scrappiemommareturns.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/wpid-wp-1396973103441.jpg”> “Do pistachios grow on tweese?” I ask my husband “On Cheese?” He responds Then we both bust out laughing. Except I’m snorting laughing, because I kept saying “Pistachio Cheese” in my head over and over and over. Seriously say it! Say it out loud, ten times right now. Oh yeah, people are most definitely,…

Read more Do pistachios grow on cheese?

Till I collapse

Ill be a passionate, limited filter, motha-jogger, loud~mouthed, edgy, overprotective, fierce warrior, scrappy survivor till I collapse. And btw that song is my new fave jogging song , . I say jog because I don’t “run” anymore..so maybe I’m not that much of a bad ass.. ‘mae’ juzalil’ (maybe just a little…) I’m up with…

wpid-img_20140324_060420.jpg

Read more Till I collapse

The story of my life

Do not fret young padawans, I shant quote the lyrics from the riveting One Direction ballad. This is the story of my life and our life because ‘we country’. Seriously, you can take the people out of the country but you cannot force them to relinquish their country ways.   We, ok ok, I (just…

wpid-img_20140316_214018.jpg

Read more The story of my life

The Non Profit Biz

I grew up in the non profit  world, my pops was a Consultant in non profit management, so it is only appropriate I am drawn towards obscure professions, hobbies, livelihoods, pets etc.  Maybe obscure is not the best term, but listed below are the following jobs I have  had throughout my life since the time…

Read more The Non Profit Biz

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 760 other followers