Awkward Grace

I keep seeing this term “women warrior.” I’m happy people are finding their voices.

I’m elated people are channeling their inner fire and embracing their ferocious warrior.

Not everyone can do “this.” Not everyone can be a social activitist in the name of feminism or whatever it is that’s on the docket today for eye grabbing media.

And it doesn’t mean they are cowardly, selfish or that they don’t care about you or your cause.

In fact, it’s probably quite opposite.

If you are like me,(heart-wearing-sleeve-doe-eye-deer-in-headlights) .. It can be intimidating. It can feel like you are trying on bathing suits with a crew of Supermodels.

(No offense to Supermodels, I’m short and my rib cage hits my boobs and my boobs get trapped under my armpits. With a bra on and everything. I got lots of love for you wing-wearing beauties…..My only quarrel is with God, who forces me to buy high-heeled shoes and side boob-bras..)

I do not interact well with people who are overly direct in their opinion. And I certainly do not do well with people who insinuate that my morals and beliefs are up for manipulation and tweaking.

From Hillary C to Sarah P – I’m not asking to go to afternoon tea, with any of it. I checked out the minute you said :

“What you must do..”

“What you need to understand..”

“What you’re failing to recognize..”

” You killing yourself and the planet”

“Don’t you even care about _______?”

…”BECAUSE I HAD A DIET COKE WITH A CHEESE BURGER ON A WHITE-FLOURED BRIOCHE BUN?”

I get shaky around people who feel the need to elevate themselves on a pedestal for “the cause.”

From nutrition to politics, people turn a topic into a moral obligation for a dollar or because you are not bearing THEIR truth.

Or … simply want you to feel less than them.

As I’m writing this, I just flashed back to an experience. For a period of time, I really tried to get this blog thing going. I remember I would work on it while my kids where at their activity.

There was one particular mom, who just wouldn’t let it go. She had to know why I was blogging and it I wasn’t making money from it , what was the point?

…Or if I wasn’t feeding some sort of “cause”, why would I even bother..?

She could not wrap her brain around the fact, that I was DOING IT FOR MYSELF.

For my part, I didn’t have enough confidence to say those words to her.

“I’m doing this for ME.”

I went all “doe in headlights.”

The manipulative subtlety of taking down others SEEMS really prevalent today. It seems to lurk under the guise of “warrior women” and “empowerment.” It makes me feel icky, sticky and shakey.

It’s hard to put into words, I might be the only one who feels like a doe (no offense to does either ), and if that’s the case, that is okay too.

I’m FINALLY at a point in my life where IT IS OK to have my own opinion and belief system.

Opinions are not law.

Phrases like:

“Don’t you want to feel empowered and empower others?

“What, you don’t want a better_______?”

“Don’t you want to be helping others ?”

“This is so important (to me) right now, it should be important to you, if you really cared about the earth and people and humanity and crickets and slugs. Did you know that slugs are going extinct???”

……..I go all deer in the headlights, and my heart beats through my eyelids and I say things like:

“Wow, I’m selfish”

” I must really hate the humanity.. and slugs”

“OMG NO, NOT THE SLUGS, NOOOO SIGN ME UP!, LET ME HELP SAVE THOSE SLUGS?”

On social media, if you comment positively or even ask a question..be prepared to define and defend your puny existence.

If you are “PRO” the blog, the naysayers crucify you.

If you don’t understand it, the intellects try to murder your soul.

…” You didn’t UNDERSTAND my think-piece? , Well …I weep for your intellectual shortcomings..”

I’ve seen “this” concept in many a comment threads, with much more vitriolic rage and awful -hateful rhetoric.

It’s as though divisiveness is the new skinny.

My brain is hard-wired to worry about too much shit at once. I have to actively fight the need to be involved in everything with everyone in order to feel like a worthy warrior.

I have been officially diagnosed with ADHD (not internet diagnosed, like by a Dr and with tests and shit) and can’t be on the activitist train, for my own sanity.

…..”OMG, YOUR NOT AN ACTIVIST, YOU DONT CARE ABOUT PEOPLE??”

Yes ! I care about people, but do I have to waive a sign around to show that? Do I have to join a Facebook Group to show I care about my health and other people’s health?

That’s just it, I care too damn much. I have to keep singularity at the forefront of my brain or I’ll TURN!!

I’ll turn into a mentally unstable Hulk when I try to appease this concept of a powerful woman warrior activist.

So if I didn’t comment on a powerful women’s essay on commradery , it’s because I don’t can’t afford to have my soul murdered for those who need to take someone down, to lift themselves up.

“They go low..We go high” Flotus.. Michelle Obama

If I don’t join your charible cause for slug repoduction, it’s because I’m doing something else and my brain won’t allow it.

And slugs are kinda gross tho..

If I immediately removed myself from the “End Brain-Fog Group”, it’s because I like my brain the way it is. I’m happy you found a cause, and your brain is that of Scarlett Johansen , where she activated all of her brain and becamekarate chopped 900 every 30 seconds in that movie where she turned into a machine.

My brain is plenty unfogged and properly medicated.

And..the moral of the story..she TURNED INTO A MACHINE and I think she made Samuel L Jackson CRY in that movie??

I digress.

Maybe this is my ode, my letter, my shout-out to all those people who cheer from the sidelines.

It’s for all my does, who understand awkward , anxious grace in the face of conflict.

If you start shit with me, and I will fake a fainting spell.

If you start to talk about how this way to eat, is the only way to eat , I will start talking about how my son had the rotovirus when he was 2 months and he projectile vomited like in this alien-spawn movies…, to abruptly change the subject. (Awkwardly).

This is a giant virtual hug to all those people who are just trying to carve out a peaceful mind for themselves.

It’s okay to say “no”, even if slugs won’t reproduce.

It’s okay to say ” I don’t want to talk about politics.”

It’s okay to say “I don’t want to join your challenge. I’m okay with where I am physically/mentally/spiritually FINANCIALLY.”

It’s okay to say ” I don’t work and I’m not on the PTA .”

(GASP! WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY!”)

It’s okay to leave a conversation, a meeting, a Zumba class (which I recently did) , with awkward grace.

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Laurie Free View All →

This blog is like the ridiculous sweater I bought at Anthropologie a few years ago. It was on sale and the sales lady told me "it looks awesome on you." It's the most bizarre sweater, and whether it looked good on me or not, is highly debatable. Like these blogs, I look at them at say "Yeesh, what was I thinking,," or laugh or bath in their cathartic qualities. The sweater stays for the same reasons.

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