Cheery blog post right? Well, with so many blogs on how to prevent illness or how to beat off age with a thorny stick, I thought I would try a a different approach to aging and sickness. The other day, my beautiful daughter got sick with the flu, and I stood vigil by her bedside. (I just finished watching Malifiecient so old Fairy-land English and imagery may pop up in this blog). At one point, as I lay snoring next to my daughter, she rolled over and coughed INTO my mouth. At this point, I knew that precaution I should have been taking to avoid the flu,had been rendered useless. (I know, co-sleeping with a feverish child is not much of a precaution)
I thought I’d share some feverish observations of being sick at 40 ish. Listed below are the ten things that did, do or did not happen during my illness of 2014.
1) All of my irrational behavior-like hormones from my teens, came rushing back during each fever spike. At one point, I lay crying on the sofa, peppering my husband as to why he had not made me a bowl of soup or offered to take my temperature during this horrendous ordeal. Did he not realize that IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME??
2) On one of my feverish escapades, at 2 am, I took my temperature and texted my husband “My fever is at 100.5, please check on me before you leave for work to make sure I am okay and I am able to take care of the kids today”. Approximately twenty minutes later, I woke his ass up and said “OMG my fever has spiked to 102, you absolutely can not go to work tomorrow, I forbid it!” He asked me why I had not taken any medicine and I said that I could not remember which medicine I had taken last and I was scared I would poison myself. He went downstairs and came back with Aleve and I told him I couldn’t take Aleve because he upset my tummy. This type of cheery dialogue transpired for a bit, until he told me I better take something, preferably with a hefty sleep aid.
3) Seriously, whatever collagen I had left from my youth was metabolized by this particular strain of flu. You know in the Indianna Jones movie where the dude says “You have chosen POOOOOOOORLY” and his face ages on hyper-speed after he drinks what he thinks is the cup of eternal youth? Yes, that’s my face right now mid- hyper speed. I think I may have feverishly ordered Cindy Crawford’s Dream Miracle Rewinding Cream one evening because I was so frightened by my sunken in face.
4) I have not lost one single pound. I keep hearing these wild tales about how “so and so lost ten lbs” with this violent strain of the flu. I don’t want to lose ten lbs, in fact, I don’t really want to lose weight but seriously, It would be nice to be able to put on my skinny skinny skinny skinny jeans for a day or prance have “dat abs” for a day?
5) I have lost muscle and collagen; therefore mathematically, the scale does not compute. Where did my muscle and collagen flee too? Do my neighbors have it? Will their faces look like a full, cherub angel on Christmas morn? Did that creepy elf steal my collagen and muscle tone? Will Sparkles be jamming to a Kickboxing video on Christmas morn?
6) Whatever they put in Day Quil affects me a lot more , now, then when I was in my twenties or they changed the formula. I took a shot of Day Quil, and headed to the market, because I was the martyr of all Sick Super Moms and had to run those last minute Christmas errands. I ended up weeping in the baking aisle, staring at all the Moms dressed in their Tori Burch boots, with their gorgeous blown out hair, and heathery-smokey-eyes, gathering their ingredients for festive baking activities. While, I cowered over the Madagascar Vanilla screaming to Martha Stewart “Why hath thou Forsaken me this year?”. For what it’s worth, I can only bake like two things.,
7) In my twenties, I used to GO OUT AND PARTY in this condition. I do not have enough energy shower and change pajamas. At some point during this strain of plague, my husband politely suggested I would feel better if I showered and changed into some clean clothes.
8) My fever induced zero tolerance for shenanigans. I yelled at my kids for laughing and accused them of messing up the house just to disturb my slumber. “Silence Young Padawans, ye must obey my laws of tyranny” See? Malifeicient vernacular, mixed with a little Jedi-Speak.
9)My fever induced zero tolerance for anything that is remotely annoying, ie Facebook., I literally , just. can’t. even.
10) I can not read the back of any medicine bottles, so I guesstimated the amount of everything I ingested. I do have “readers” somewhere, but I expended all my energy, showering, meandering, crying, yelling, and woefully proclaiming the injustices of this years strain of the flu.
I know there is a bizarre strain of the flu this year, I have read and heard all about its reign over the village-folk, frantically trying to prepare for festive festiveness this year. My wish to you, young or old, if you did catch this years strain, be KIND to yourself. Don’t fight it, let it take over!! When I let myself rest, and binge watch Soaps (wow, these people come dangerously close to marrying second cousins and such) and just let it go, I actually feel a bit better. To the young-uns, though, I would deter the “partying while sick”, activity.
This blog is like the ridiculous sweater I bought at Anthropologie a few years ago. It was on sale and the sales lady told me "it looks awesome on you." It's the most bizarre sweater, and whether it looked good on me or not, is highly debatable. Like these blogs, I look at them at say "Yeesh, what was I thinking,," or laugh or bath in their cathartic qualities. The sweater stays for the same reasons.