I find myself stopping a blog or discontinuing or not publishing because I am never quite sure how much information I should delve out there on the internet. I think the struggle for me in writing (and in life) is with my indecisive nature and the good news it’s fueled some Jerry McGuire moments where I am up at 3 am the past few mornings because my brain jolts awake and will NOT turn off.
What do we do when our brain WILL NOT TURN OFF?
Listed below are the 10 decisions or what I like to call “Projectile Vomiting into the future Incidents” that I am churning over in my head like a gerbil. at 3 am.
1) What if I do not protect my children from the evils of the world and bad things happen to my family. I have “gerbalized” every scenario. (New word – gerbalize or gerbalizing is worrisome thoughts running around in one’s head on a gerbil wheel. Webster, come get me!). I am strangely fascinated with the Final Destination movies, and I have seen #1 and #25 (aren’t there like 500 out already) and I have come to the conclusion I should NOT watch movies about FREAK accidents and Death as a Stalker.
2) HOW many extra curricular activities should I sign my kids up for during the school year and how many _______ Mommies am I willing to deal with in this process? Essentially, it is all about MY comfort levels right? (insert sarcasm) Does catapulting off the sofa and ripping the cushions out by their seams count as a sport? Does putting chocolate milk into a WATER GUN and squirting it all over the walls and floor count as a sport? (in my defense, I was not home, my husband was on conference calls, and I was like: “WITH WHO? DR DRE? AND YOUR NOISE CANCELLING DRE BEATS? BC WE BETTER HAVE BEEN BROKERING A 4 BILLION DOLLAR DEAL TO HAVE IGNORED THE CHOCOLATE MILK APOCALYPSE!!!”
3) Have you seen the Goldbergs? Well I find myself saying things like Mrs Goldberg when it comes to the “protection” of my children. These are are from the “memory recall” part of my brain, which is not all “ginkobiloabed” properly:
a) On wrestling: “Did you hear about ________, he had a wrestling accident and now he is just a head on a ventilator”
b) On Halloween: “Don’t forget to bring all your candy to the hospital so we can have it x-ray’d for razor blades”
Yes, these are eerily similar to the things that come out of my mouth. My son has pretty much told the entire neighborhood that I am the most overprotective Mom in THE WORLD.
4) I don’t know if this is a reason but it’s kind of what started this whole blog in a way. Yesterday, I took my daughter to a cheer-leading place to see what is was all about. I was a cheerleader for a small rural High School and I kind of got into all that from an athletic standpoint, but cheering in the rural North versus cheer-leading near the perimeter of Atlanta, Georgia are like meditative Yoga versus Olympic style Cross-Fit. All I can say is I came home and ate a giant bowl of pasta like a Mob Boss because I was so stressed out after that experience. I do not feel, as a family, we are ready for that level of commitment due in part to the “contract wording”: “Your child must be awaiting transport of an iron lung from IRON MAN himself (or the other guy who plays IRON MAN) if she/he is to miss practice”.
5) Due to # 4, I decided that “Intro to Gymnastics” was probably a better place to start. Well , I spent like 5467098 hours on the internet trying to finagle my way through the various schedules in conjunction with my stay at ‘home-mom-bon bon-eating’ schedule. I just counted, I sent FIVE, emails the the poor gymnastics people which openings like this “Wait, we can’t do Mondays because of this?” or “Oh ooops I made a mistake we can do Mondays”? or “No wait, we can’t do Monday’s, can you call me I’m really confused about the schedule”.
6) Seriousness. I know deep down inside 95% percent of my anxiety over raising children and all of this is due to me trying to protect my children from the “bad things” that happened in my childhood. We all have baggage and unresolved dysfunction from our upbringing, and all I really want to do is use my experiences, (good and bad), to provide the best possible childhood for my children and I guess I try to do this (sometimes..) without making ANY mistakes.
7) Ok, so being so ridiculously “self aware” at age 42 to the point that my husband reaches for his cigars every time I try to “feel my feelings” appropriately, I recognize that #6 may have spurred me into a bit of a “I FELL LIKE THE WEIGHT OF THE FREE WORLD IS ON MY SHOULDERS!!” phone conversation with my husband last night. Thankfully my husband is very level-headed and does a great job in making me realize that I’m not making life or death decisions and I just “NEED TO CALM THE EFF DOWN ITS NOT THAT SERIOUS!!”
8) My son just got this mouth-spacer-head-contraption-head-robot type thing in which I have to attach to his mouth nightly (well they said daily too when he’s on the computer or watching tv) and remember to turn a key into the spacer-contraption-thingy so it widens his jaw, and now I have 54895175094128745091274 reminders on my phone, calendar, sticky notes, etc in which to do so. daily. “BUT WHAT IF I FORGET AND HE DOES NOT HAVE PERFECT TEEEEEEEEEEEEETHHHHHH.”
9) I was trying to calculate “something” last night and my phone (the calculator) was upstairs which was far too strenuous to fetch; THEREFORE, I proceeded to write a long division problem out on a piece of scratch paper and realized that I basically forgotten how to complete long division and long multiplication (is that even a thing??) and when I did go to find my phone, it was on top of their college saving statements which then made me realize that college is going to be a BILLION DOLLARS, so unless my husband brokered that contract with Dre from # 2, we are not going to be able to afford college and then I panicked because WHAT IF I CAN’T HELP THEM WITH MATH? AND NOW I’M PANICKING BECAUSE THIS SENTENCE IS A GRAMMATICAL RUN ON NIGHTMARE, SO WHAT IF I CAN’T HELP THEM WITH LANGUAGE ARTS?
10) I have written out ten number 10’s and they all sound really bizarre and I still struggle with the decision of how much to “put out there” on the internet. I definitely do want to share my work with the world but I also have issues in the past with people thinking like they know me extremely well, due to a friendship on social media, and quite frankly, it taps into a lot of codependent dysfunction ( see!!!! I have learned “something” from all my Self Awareness Readings!!!!)
In closing, I’m literally out of words. I think that the run-on sentence of #9 , fried my brain.
comedic writing comedy humor humor parenting humorous laughing laughter marriage moderation mommy parenting sarcasm social media comedic writing funny funny parenting stories heartfelt humor in parenting light-hearted marriage humor mrs Goldberg parenting humor The Goldbergs
Laurie Free has two high-spirited children, with the trial lawyer litigation skills, when it comes to basic hygiene, such as teeth. Her patient, loving husband has supported her through all career endeavors, ranging from teaching Hip Hop Fitness,
(and I flunked "swag school") to peppering him with questions such as,
"Why haven't you turned on the 'wifi-gigibyte-hot-spot, and can you find the Gravatar?"
She does not scrapbook and lifted the name from the show "Friends", when Phoebe told Monica she was "Scrappie". She "scraps" her way with gusto into every endeavor. Yesterday she announced "I want to be a Life Coach"
.. Maybe, one day it will be Scrap-booking, till then I hope you enjoy my blog!