Ten reasons why I have restricted my time on Facebook

No disrespect to Micheal Z dawg, because he’s a genius, but am I the only one that gets anxiety after scrolling on Facebook ? There are things I still love about the platform, and I know I personally have comitted many social media sins,   I’m just a little less than amused, ok maybe Lewis Black annoyed with Facebook.

Lets get to it, these are just a sample of posts that literally give me what my Italian friends calls heartburn or “ahhjidaa?”

1) “The blood of the teeth of my savior shall free you if  and only you share this post”

Seriously, I highly doubt this falls into the WWJD category. (What Would Jesus Do). This is not inspiring. Joel Olsteen that isht down please. We need a nice, soft place to land.

2) “I hate my life”.

My nine year old said this yesterday because he got his feelings hurt by his friend. He was legitimately upset but I explained there is absolutely no reason to be “hatin’.  Its okay to be upset, but If my nine year old can’t say it, nor should you because YOU GROWN.

3) The gym “selfies.”

Every once in a blue moon, we get it, you are in good shape..of course you want to show your high school chums you have an eight pack. Have you ever hear the term “less is more”? It applies to those who feel like we need to be reminded, daily, even hourly, that you have a flat stomach, and are very sweaty from your lift session with Mr. & Mrs. bicep.   Remember “ABS~ENCE’ (from the ab shots)  MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER”

4) The Political diatribes.

I may have to deactivate my account during the 2016 election season. You want to make a difference in politics?..Join Congress. WAIT; no, that won’t work either.

You are simply NOT going to “turn” people into a Republican, a Democrat, a leftie, rightie, a Tea Party crasher, LGBT basher, or a Libertarian Masher by getting unnecessarily douchbaggery towards your fictional opponents ON FACEBOOOOOKKKKK.  Yes!! stand for something, but subtract the summer’s eve product nuances.

5) Insulting  people’s intelligence to make sales or “get them to sign up” for the “life changing x,y,z”.

Yes, absolutely you should promote your business on social media. Its the world we live in today.  My skin~crawling~ irritation is with the “ickiness” of some of the sales tactics. The quickest way I can describe it is after seeing an icky sales posts, I feel like I was bathed in fake maple syrup.
…. I don’t know why I alluded to “fake” versus “real” maple syrup. I grew up in Maine, so I do not want to offend real Maple syrup because it is really good  and maybe even less sticky than the fake stuff.

6) “I just can’t even believe the way some people are sometimes, you know who you are!!!”

Did you mean to text or privately message this to your bestie?

I get passive aggressiveness, I am a  woman, we kind of created it and “own it” once a month, but as a status update?…Thinking “that person” might see the post? And if they do, you really want to duke it out, in front of everyone?

WHICH brings me to..

7) “Well, my daddy’s, sisters husband’s girlfriend’s babie’s, cousin’s daddies brother, is fighting for custody of Uncle Sherman’s, cousin Sally Mae’s ,second cousin’s Rhi Rhas, first cousin’s once removed, babie’s baby. And let me tell you something if they think I’m gonna back down, they don’t know who they dealing with”

1) Wha? b) What exactly are you backing down from? A family reunion in divorce court?

And then there is that comment:

“I will be praying for you,-!”

WHAT ARE YOU PRAYING FOR , ARE YOU GOING TO SCREENSHOT THAT UP TO HEAVEN BECAUSE YOU BEST BELIEVE JESUS WILL BE CONFUSED”

In nutshell, if the family’s dirty laundry is so confusing, you need ancestry.com AND Dr Phil to help sudoku it out, Maybe that’s better left as a chit~chat with your Momma’s cousin’s Aunt’s Daddy’s sister.

8) Trying to scare me with scary, preachy messages on how I need to change my sinful ways.  Again 1) did you mean to text someone and b) stop watching Fox news. Its not that bad.

(My sister watches Fox news so don’t get all ornery; they, like all other 24/7 news coverage get paid to sensationalize, YOU, on the other hand, do not. Refrain and post a picture of a kitty cat saving a kid’s life instead!! )

9) Solange and Jay-z Memes. Just kidding, this recently and it’s CRAZY how memes have accumulated in a 72 hour period.  We are absolutely a nation obsessed with celebrities. I am not immune, I was curious too.  I fell asleep trying to find Solange’s instagram account because I read she deleted ALL her pictures of Beyonce and Jayz. I know, right???  How crazy is that? Oh you mean, How crazy AM I for searching for her instagram account instead of saying sharing #1’s post to save my debauchery filled soul? yeah, I know. Thankfully I was tired.  There were like 25 Solange Knowle’s accounts and I betcha Jesus was kind of curious too so He was busy on instagram.

10) Duck Face Selfies. STOP. STOP. STOP. YOU ARE NOT A DUCK.

This is all meant to funny. I have probably committed all of the above in one shape or form. I am sure I annoy people with my Facebook posts.  Seriously, please laugh, I love Jesus and everyone on Fox news. 🙂

comedy humor

Laurie Free View All →

Laurie Free has two high-spirited children, with the trial lawyer litigation skills, when it comes to basic hygiene, such as teeth. Her patient, loving husband has supported her through all career endeavors, ranging from teaching Hip Hop Fitness,
(and I flunked "swag school") to peppering him with questions such as,
"Why haven't you turned on the 'wifi-gigibyte-hot-spot, and can you find the Gravatar?"

She does not scrapbook and lifted the name from the show "Friends", when Phoebe told Monica she was "Scrappie". She "scraps" her way with gusto into every endeavor. Yesterday she announced "I want to be a Life Coach"
.. Maybe, one day it will be Scrap-booking, till then I hope you enjoy my blog!

10 Comments Leave a comment

    • Lmao. Im afraid that my mother n law will pass out at my blasphemous tone. I would cuss a lot more but she just got a smart phone. 🙂 I think Jesus is pretty fed up with Facebook too 🙂

      • He must be! I’ve got a touchy subject like this waiting in my drafts, but I’m from SUCH a small town and almost my entire newsfeed is “prayers going up!” so I’m being a chicken. I thought this was hilarious, and hopefully your mother-in-law will too!

      • Lol!! Yeah its all im good fun..Im know that people r praying for my soul all the time. in writing bc u want to “reach” people & u have that satirical gene like I do but some people do not & get pissed or some people r literally LOOKING for a fight 🙂 publish it!! Ill support you! But I understand 🙂

  1. Ugh my gym class members always want to take sweaty group shots!! Most I decline to put up once I’m tagged! I am a very spiritual person and my life is happier/better with my knowledge of who I am and what mt potential to become is. So I will post appropriate faith based positive things!
    I TOO do NOT like multi level marketing on FB! Especially those oils that claim to cure everything!! I block people who bash too much and share their love/hate relationships on FB! Or the daily diary of how tired they are! Really?! Who cares! Hm…. I do like humorous stories, and cute pix of dogs n cats, n kids too.

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