Posts Tagged ‘humorous’

I started running in the ninth grade. We had to run one mile for Physical Education and I think it took me thirty minutes. I remember being one of the last people to finish and I still remember the look of haughty disdain from the Physical Education teacher. I was a teeny tiny thing with zero athletic prowess.

I continued with running throughout my life, into my adult years and after having two babies. I took some breaks throughout the years after my “Wellness Epiphany Moment” in High School.
Recently I ran a small, 10k and placed third for my age group and it was the first time I had placed in any race in over twenty years. As I ran, I wanted to stop and write down my thoughts. The June southern humidity- spawned from all things that stick and make my eyelashes sweat, spawn a rolodex stream of consciousness and I immediately need to put on paper.
Alarm goes off on Saturday Morning

“oops this must be a mistake?”

5 minutes later.  SEVEN alarms go off at the same time.

“Why did I sign up for this thing back in March, all jacked up on coffee and endorphins from a cool morning run?”

I crawl to the coffee machine and make a giant pot, hoping to link the nectar intravenously. I pour and sit and wait for it to render me human. I look at my watch.

My eyes pop out widely, as I slurp my coffee through a semi-consciousness state.

“OH SNAP. I was supposed to get everyone up an hour ago!”

 My husband stumbles downstairs. We politely disagree as to why no one is organized with AIS. (Asses in seat). My minions ask why I had signed them up to walk the 5k with their Aunt. 


We arrive and I smugly smile at my sister as she is standing in the place she saved for us and warded off all the annoyed race participants who set their alarms appropriately in order to snag an efficient parking space. Oops.

I roll my eyes at the people stretching.  Okay, I roll my eyes at myself because I  rise from the sofa like the cute Old dude from the Movie “UP” while placing my hand on my lower back sighing “I really need to stretch more.”

The Race Guy commences the race.

.04 – I have to pee. Does anyone else have to pee? I have to Pee. Why did I drink so much coffee?

.45 -I still have to pee. Pee. Pee. Did I set my little runner tracker thing?

.46- Why did I wear this fanny-back-pack thing? To carry my giant mini tablet phone? It’s hitting my back like a freight train.

.57 -Everything Hurts. That speed walker just passed me. Why is this dude sweating already? WHY AM I SWEATING ALREADY??

1.0 -If I had signed up for the 5k I would be almost half way through by now. How do marathoners do this? What do they eat? I wonder if I had some Runners Goo Goo, I would feel more energized. With Goo Laced Energy.

1.05- I wish I had finished more of those Yoga Sequences from the Pinterest Yoga Running Lady. And stretched versus rolling my eyes.

1.10- Is that a mosquito biting my back in the same place? Why hasn’t my frieght train fanny-back-pack smothered the mosquito.

1.50 -Okay, I can do this. I am a runner. I’m pacing with Lululemon Lady and she looks pretty serious.

1.55.- I really should not have consumed three Empanadas last night from Happy Havana. It’s not mixing well with the banana and coffee.

1.76 “So watcha watcha watcha want..” My hipster ring tone bellows out form my mini tablet phone crushing my back. I don’t even look. I trust my sister has my kids securely, if not, my husband has his mini tablet phone too.

1.86- No one seems to notice my hipster ring tone so that was an anticlimactic thought.

1.93 I wonder if this Lulelemon Lady is in my age group? Should I start chatting her up about the humidity?

2.5 I would be sprinting if I was in the 5k. Sprinting a 10.50 pace right now.

3.2 ARE YOU KIDDING ME? THIS IS LAPPED? I thought the second part was shady with a slight downgrade of hilly terrain and breezes from a lake nearby?

3.45 oh noooo….NOT THIS HOT STRETCH OF TREELESS DEATH. I AM SWALLOWING THE BLINDING WHITE RAYS OF THE SUN! I grab a cup of water and try to chat with the water people. They are not interested in my musings. I thank them for their kindness in volunteering, and ask where to toss the cup. They point to the ground. I look at them as if to say “I would not deny an opportunity to volunteer and opt out of running right now?”  They do not hear my entrapped ADHD thoughts.

3.89 QUICK, I need a distraction. “Oh wow, that guy’s lawn looks super nice, and he’s sitting on his porch watching us ‘Hi Guy, your lawn looks fabul-fantastic’ no. I didn’t say that. Thinking Counts.

4.97 So close. I’m so close. I think the 7 miles I ran in December is really helping me right now, oh shit, I’m speed walking.

5.45 I’m pacing with my Dad. Or a guy that looks like my Dad. Wait does his t-shirt say “GOT BEEF?”

5.78 I’m breathing really loud. I’m annoying my own damn self with my untrained, labored breaths right now.

6.20 I can see the finish line. I’M SPRINTING SO FAST (9.89MPH) I’m passing “GOT BEEF?’- DUDE’
I CROSS THE FINISH LINE, with my eyes closed.

I give everyone giant hugs and slurp water as I also dump on myself, like a Victoria’s Secret model after a Cabo shoot. I look over and see ‘Lululemon lady’ beaming with her family. My face is that fabulous-flushed-cardio-pink. My neat pony-tail-running-bun flails off to the both sides of my face. I am in my happy place. What brings you to your happy place?

running sm (359x640)

I just read a blog about how French Parenting is superior to American Parenting. According to this article* . We give our children too many snacks and try too damn hard.

As I’m writing this, I’m staring at my Snack Arsenal from Target and my kids had Pringles for dinner, and maybe breakfast. (Its summer break here, so calm down). I’m officially over parenting comparisons, Mommy Wars and juxtaposition of the working versus stay at home parent. Seriously, It’s gone European Viral now.

Here is a snapshot of my wildly spoiled indulgent American Parenting. I wouldn’t change it for every baguette or hot buttered croissant in France and I freaking love French pastries.

1) My son came up stairs while I was half asleep and said “Hey Mom, watch this ” and blew a Spitball at me.
“Isn’t it cool, I made a Spitball machine out of all the straws and tissue in the house” as he wipes his nose on his sleeve.

2) My daughter woke me up in the dead of sleep by coughing into my face. “Mommy I have a bad cough.  fix me”

3) Operation Treadmill Explosion is our version of the Bourne Identity.
My son put my exercise core ball thingy on the treadmill , hit the highest mileage and elevation , until it exploded into core bits. I will NEVER have that six pack of ‘mommy abs’ now

4) My kids hide their dirty clothes with masterful deception rather than just placing them in the dirty laundry hamper. I’m pretty sure French kids do their own laundry while singing French camp songs.

5)  Screen Time. I don’t set limits. It works itself out for the most part.
Gasp away.

6) I miss my kids when they are at school but I have full -blown-splotched –chest-panic-attacks when I think about snow days and summer breaks. Apparently the French are just relaxed about everything and everyone when it comes to parenting. Isn’t the word anxiety a derivative of a French word? Googled it. 16th century France ya’ll.

7) Stomach viruse day is always on “French-anti-Snack Day” which means they ate full meals and the all messy home-cooked-bathed-in-acid-non-snack food, ends up  on the one clean spot of carpet or my head. French will-away stomach viruses with their philosophical views or they catch the vomit in their berets.

8) My kids think kleenex and general hygiene is kryptonite  for their soul. Isn’t the word handkerchief French?

9) American Children recognize their power in numbers. French children quietly make cupcakes while their parents work.

10) American children dance when they eat and they dance on their food like it’s prey. If they don’t like the food , they don’t eat the food and fully express their complete whiny American admonishment for any meal I put- ‘le-petite’ – effort into, especially if it’s French-ish themed like homemade ‘pomme-frites’.

I love my American Parenting style and every parenting expert advice article I see on the internet is met with the glaring whites of my eyes. Yes, that sounds pretty haughty and bourgeoisie (which I just Googled spelling), or ‘bougee’ as we Americans say about people who “try too hard” to elevate their “social class”.


In conclusion, Please insert some philosophical french retort here as all my snack-eatin’ time has french-fried the recesses of my brain which houses four years of French class.

Cest Tout Chiennes.

*French Parenting blog:

Conversation I just had with my husband:

Me: “Honey I’m having a ton of anxiety”
Him: sigh
Me: “look at this article on Facebook that shows a brain scan of a cocaine addict versus one of someone who ate sugar from this ‘Fed Up’ Page.”
Him: “It’s  called marketing and SENSATIONALISM”
Me: “But Katie Couric is a director on this documentary”
Him: “Katie Couric is a journalist. Please stop clicking on stuff like this because it makes you insane. Here look at this cute puppy!”
Me:  “I want a puppy! but what if he eats too much sugar and becomes addicted to cocaine.”
Him: Sigh.
Me: “Isn’t this all true if Katie Couric is on the board of directors? It’s gotta be true if Katie Couric directed it..I wonder what Beyonce thinks about all this. Is sugar as bad as cocaine? But I love ice cream!!”
Him: “Stop. Clicking. On. Articles. about Food. Cute. Puppy. Links. Only.
Me”: “But Katie Couric and puppies and I am just trying to talk about my feelings. I have so many feelings!”
Him: Sigh
Me: ” Should I just delete Facebook again because I get sucked into anti-happy-puppy articles?”
Him: No
Me: “But what about Katie Couric, isn’t she always right? and I bet you she doesn’t eat sugar. I bet you her and Kelly Ripa run 150 miles after Pilates every morning and then eat plain Greek yogurt with almonds”
Him: ” It’s Social Media. It’s Media. Everyone has a cause they want you to join. Except for the puppies. Focus on the puppies!”
Me: “oh man, we really should save the puppies shouldn’t we, there are so many unwanted puppies in the world!”
Him: “No we can not get a puppy right now.”
Me: “Ok. Can I sign up for some Pilates classes with Puppies?”

And that my friends, is how and why I simply cannot get sucked into “anti-happy-puppy” articles on social media because we would end up with a lot of puppies and unused Pilates Groupon thingies.

I wrote this a while ago. I’m catching up on all my handwritten blogs.  I have had a lot of dental work lately and my favorite drama on television is The Walking Dead. On with it.

1)  You witness a dental team utilize a mini arsenal of mini home improvement and home gardening tools ON YOUR MOUTH.  This way, if you every need pet zombies for protection (Michonne, Walking Dead) you can loot a dental office and mimic what you witnesses while people were gardening in your mouth; except, precision and pain alleviation will not be an issues.

2)The dental insurance companies cover one toof.  So either you have one really great toof, to use when you become a Zombie during an Apocalypse, or you drained your savings to save the other toofies. Either way, you will have something to work with as a Zombie if you visit the dentist regularly!!!  Yes I spelled toof incorrectly on purpose.  I do not know why, maybe it’s some kind of rebellious gesture towards Dental Insurance companies for the asinine  policy of COVERING ONE TOOF OR ONE QUADRANT of said Toofies.

  •     Side note. I had ZERO clue on how to spell asinine.  So I looked up “assynyne” on google. Apparently it’s very popular name for hip hop groups and rock bands.  And YES, I know how to spell toof. Remember, I’m rebelling.

3)Laughing Gas is awesome.  So if things start to go south during a Zombie Apocalypse, find a dental office STAT, to hide your posse in and hook yo’self up playah.

  •  I mean “go south” as it go poorly. Not “move towards the south”. This can be confusing, hence my clarification, because the Walking Dead is filmed in the South, in Georgia.  I never really thought of where the term “go South” as in “going poorly” comes from….?

4) Dental people have fabulous teeth. Zombies do not.

5) Dental offices are shiny, nice, sanitized, and play great family friendly movies like “Up” and “Despicable Me”; whereas,  any warehouse or church or home you take refuge in during a Zombie Apocalypse, you will most certainly not have said amenities.

6) If you are in a Zombie Apocalypse, make sure you have one of those Novocaine Needles filled with Novocaine. That way if you are about to get bit, you can jab the pre-bit area with said needle and it won’t hurt as much.

No Pain, you will be slain”  You may have to tell your Zombie-Attacker- Non -Human -Walker thing, to hold off for about five minutes until the Novocaine kicks in though…

7) Dental offices are loaded with awesome supplies and weapons to loot during a Zombie Apocalypse,  For survivors AND to ward off Zombies. Think about it. Also DON’T FORGET TO ROLL THAT LAUGHING GAS MACHINE WITH YOU WHEN YOU HEAD BACK TO PEOPLE-ALIVE-HUMANS CAMP. Seriously.  Don’t leave home without it.

8) If you go to the dental office a lot for surgeries etc, you are prepared for Zombie Attack pain.

9) If it were the Dental People versus Zombies as last people on earth, I would place big money on the Dental People winning.  They have great tools,  they have great teeth, they know how to keep sanitized and ward of zombie germs and mutations, and they will all be high on laughing gas so it won’t really matter anyways.

10) If you have great dental coverage and stay up to date on all your dental appointments, you will make one hell of a Zombie during an apocalypse, that’s the same as #2 , but that’s all I got.




Do not fret young padawans, I shant quote the lyrics from the riveting One Direction ballad. This is the story of my life and our life because ‘we country’. Seriously, you can take the people out of the country but you cannot force them to relinquish their country ways.   We, ok ok, I (just me) have been known to wipe counter tops with my “Nike Just Do It” tshirt (as instructed by the shirt btw) in a hurry to unveil the actual countertop.  We keep the dern boxes my sons legos come in because and I quote from my husband and my son “those will pay for college”, Good because I was hoping to use the 529 accounts to buy an Island and be highlighted on HGTV “Island Hunters” (obsessed with that show btw. Please if you get a chance watch Island Hunters, you will find yourself wondering, “What exactly do this people “do” for a living such that they are buying up islands now? )

Pictured here is my husband’s attempt at drying out his tennis shoes. In his defense he did use the drying bracket thingy that came with the dryer but it  almost broke dryer. The irony of this can best be summed up by telling you my husband is the “Serv Safe Chief.’ He works in the food industry and I have lost count if how many looks of disdain have been cast my way for my abhorrent kitchen behaviors. Yes, the Nike t-shirt cleaning tactic would in his top two, the other is when I set the coffee creamer spoon on the counter versus a paper towel. *

If you have read other blogs you might be confused because I may have confessed to obsessive behaviors , some of which include and addiction to  Clorox wipes. I do not get it either. I will wipe the bathrooms down , 5665788 times a day with proper wiping gadgets, but Nike t-shirt rags (that are still being worn) and shoes on the candle on the kitchen table do not bother me one bit.

The story of our lives is one of organized chaos. Polarizing children that love me so much one minute they are still wrapping their tiny little hands around me. Ten seconds later “I am never speaking to you again” and slammed doors are echoing through or Nike~candled~counter~washed house (I don’t think shoes in pictures are Nikes, I doth apologize profusely- whatever brand I have thus shunned). We are a house of “perfect imperfections” (Johnny Leg, you hit the nail on the head with that one) , subtle nuances integrated with rebellious bedlam.  A rowdy circus juxtaposed against fabulous rainy Sunday afternoon naps.

Thank God I have the pictured paragons of excellence to keep our house in order!


Please take note of toilet paper roll.. How is this part of this warrior brigade!? And I do not know why there are beach towels hanging on banisters. We do not own a pool and we do not live on the beach and it is not warm enough to go to the pool. Also , I’m pretty sure it’s been a couple since either one of my children have had a shower or bath…

* The alternative to setting my spoon on the paper towel is letting in jingle around in my cup all day which is by far much more annoying to him, I can most assuredly inform you I have received feedback on my spoon stealing coffee up antics as well…..



Not lake tahoe because I have never been. I mean I’d LOVE to go and it probably would be my JAM if I went, but I can not falsely advertise that I went. This relic is one of those “my hubs went to a starbux in Tahoe and brought me home a mug”  type of gifts!

Thank goodness it was not a t-shirt because we have so many t-shirts and I have an unbelievable time parting with t-shirts. I get kind of weepy and “vaclempt” when they get demoted to the rag pile. Yes, vaclempt is an actual word, I gleaned it from my rigorous studies of Saturday Live watching AND just googled it to verify I was using the vernacular correctly. I am pretty sure I utilized vernacular correctly. I am NOT googling it though, because I am short on time, because I hit snooze to many times! Hey that rhymes, maybe I should really rethink my career as a hip.hop artitst. I will put  a pen in it.

THIS is also why Twitter hates me because of the 140 characters rule.  Oh friends, the roads we could go down on why I love coffee!  I blame Twitter for stifling my writing and my creativity. I’ll write a scathing letter to them later today unleashing my disheartened demeanor at how they have completely steered me experience unparralled vicissitudes in life. *

Ahhh, the nectar of the gods, the skip in my step, the warm tingling in soul, the jitters I experience at 10 am because I drank the whole pot, the black crud that burns to the bottom because I did not turn off the burner, wait where was I going with this?

YES, Alas coffee is more than a beverage. Its a morning ritual that esse could be summed up with the sentence “THIS IS MY JAM” , but we all know, I am NOT one of few words.

* I’m joking, I am not writing a letter to Twitter.