Posts Tagged ‘humor’

I have been trying to limit my time on Facebook because it sucks my serenity like a Dyson Vaccum Cleaner without the ability to empty the dust.  I spent a mere 20 minutes on Facebook today and listed below are all the horrors I have thus  learned:

1) Dead bunnies at Whole Foods as a meat product.

2) Fake olive oil at Whole Foods AND  PAUL  NEWMAN’S company. I buy Newman’s Own Products  because all their profits go to charity and I can eat as much as I want because “it’s all natural”
. (insert sarcasm re “all natural”…)

3) I do not even shop at Whole Foods and I’m pissed. I do buy Newman’s Own stuff as  aforementioned because of the charity thing. Do not burst my bubble if you are a Newman Whistle blower.

4) A New York times article  about “moral facts not being taught in the classroom.”  I could not read the whole article because I felt as though I might be gaining actual knowledge, culture  and insight.
As my brain cells started to churn with actual interesting information – FROM A LINKED ARTICLE ON FACEBOOK..My shallow fingers danced on  Google for the latest  Kim/Kayne/Queen Bae/Taylor/Iggy scandal or for any GIF of “cats acting like jerks” (because that isht is funny!!) …..just to kill off my confused, educated  and culturally charged brain cells. Phew. That was a close one, Teach.

5) Moral outrage over moral outrage over lack of moral outrage over moral outrage over everyones’ lack of perceived  moral outrage ON FACEBOOK? . Fo. realz.

6) Whistle blowers blowing on whistle blowers inability to blow whistles whilst thinking  EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET IS TRUE.
I watched the end of  “Argo”, three times this weekend because I am homesick for:
rotary phones.
encyclopedias.
natural feathered hair.
fabulous hair without a pintrest board as guidance.
bad movies. (not Argo but fake ‘Argo’)
SMOKING  being  a “bad for you” sexy vice
..For example , Nowadays , if I have a diet coke, I hide,   because my health friends may capture me and make me do keg stands with a celery kale cleanse  smoothies for a week.

I digress.

7) A gym selfie of a ripped couples’ abs  causing  the washboard thingy in my laundry room to uncontrollably   weep in convulsions, all while  consuming the rest of my chocolate and diet coke stash.

8) The comments section on any  article/blog that is not about fluffy puppies and rainbows.

9) Parenting epiphanies. I do NOT understand  how anyone with children have an epiphany.
My Epiphany?
-everyone is alive  not in the ER.
-less than five curse words exclaimed in a twelve hour period
-no one is projectile puking on that one last clean carpet space OR silver lining, -Puker-child makes it to the bathroom AND to the ter-lit. (that’s country for toilet)

10) Cryptic, passive-agressive philosophical posts that end with a prayer. I am pretty sure Jesus does not have time for decoding Facebook  posts and please stop tagging  Him unless IT’S REALLY IMPORTANT.
He’s my co-pilot and asked me to pass along # 10,  via WordPress , not Facebook.

I never know how to end a blog and should Facebook/facebook be capitalized?

my daughter did not care for my rendition of Drake’s  ‘Started from the Bottom” as I was brushing her hair, starting from the bottom so as to avoid tangles.

parental control relinquishment , for me, looks like a coffee virgin after 3 expressos.

winter looks like it had a frat party in our back yard. and I just saw a mosquito.

Target under 20 minutes.

Less than $100.

Used bags & coupons.

Bomb-ass deal on Starbucks coffee.

Resisted the urge to splurge at Ulta.

Laundry NOT in procreation mode.

Lived in the moment by guzzling said coffee down like gatorade while speed-reading Melodie Beattie  meditation book.

Restrained from smooshy-face-furrowed-brow-syndrome-resting-bitch-face tantrum over malfunctioning  technology.

Filled up gas tank before it bellowed out in disdain “GET SOME FREAKING GAS  WOMAN”

Jammed out 30 minutes of kickboxing without giving a shit about “which body part was targeted for my skinny jeans or whatever the eff”. (…can not type the actual cuss word here..  dammit I’ve lost all my South Boston Mark Wahlberg street cred…)

Refrained from rolling my eyes inappropriately in irritation at things that irritate me because I’m easily irritated as denounced from smooshy-face-irritation-syndrome aforementioned.

That’s my marathon,  bitches. So let’s put that on a sticker  and slap  on the back of my bad-ass truck.

betwixt peace & love of course.

Based on this title, you are probably are saying to yourself, “Why do you have a Word-Press account if this is what writing feels like to you?”  I  do not know the answer. I know I LOVE writing. I know that my husband calls me the “computer murderer” so sufficed to say, the “dream-phone-analogy” answer lies between those two answers.   At this very moment, I googled “HOW DO USE SPELL CHECK ON A EFFIN’ SURFACE PRO” and “HOW DO USE SPELL CHECK ON FREAKIN’ WORD PRESS”.  apostrophes and all.

I  love writing. I talked to a close friend yesterday and she asked me what would be the best compliment you could ever receive from someone, and I answered “They “got” my writing, not that they LOVED it, but they “get” my flow, man.”  Again, I do not take any type of feedback well (including compliments) because I over think EVERY-WORD; therefore,  anytime, anyone gives me advice, I search for the underlining meaning, like Nicholas Cage on a Treasure Map Hunt, hence my permanent Nick-Cage wrinkle betwixt my eyebrows.  We also texted later about the subject of writing and we both agreed that Word-press was a damn heart-breaker. Her text was “word press will make you cry”.  I have ended up red-faced, flushed in a puddle of tears boo-hooing over both WordPress and iTunes or any kind of curfufffledschmuffled program.  I take their incessant need to constantly challenge that technically dormant part of my brain to a personal level.  I think I tried to engage iTtunes in a street fight one day.

Please ask me how many books I have ordered from Amazon about how to write a book or how to effectively navigate through word press and I will tell you more than one is too many for this OCD_ADHD raddled technology delinquent brain. I do keep a hand written journal  but I consistently maintained a C- or lower in “hand-writing” during the elementary years.  Last night I just wrote one word sentences in my journal, in the dark because I read a blog on how any kind of light before bed makes it more difficult to fall asleep and of course anything you read on the internet is 100 percent true and accurate and should be applied to your life IMMEDIATELY.

I have written entire stories in my brain while falling asleep, I am constantly “writing” thoughts throughout the day, through my contorted facial movements.  Apparently, the current terminology for “writing thoughts” is affectionately called “resting-bitch-face”, and I may be ground zero for RBF.  Twitter is a fabulous place to practice concise-contorted-facial-movement-writing-RBF-thoughts and if you are fairly obscure and do not have a ton of followers, you are in no inherent danger of starting a “twitter-war” or an media-maggedeon because you tweeted something that virtually offended someone via the cyber-sphere.

I think the most difficult challenge for me in writing every day is I do not transition well between tasks and I might be slightly addicted to sticky-note ‘to do’list. (think Gone Girl MINUS the money and the crazy-hot-bitch-psychosis). Let me give you a head-dialogue example of my brain when it comes to writing and parenting. ( Side note, I am extremely impressed with bloggers who publish a blog-post on a consistent basis because my brain is like a snap-dragon firework (not the Katy Perry Firework kind) when it comes to transitioning between “WHO SPIT THE MOUTHWASH AIMED AT THE LIGHT FIXTURE?”  and “ok, lets PICK one of my 873 writing “ideas” in this file and churn out a blog.  )

Dialogue in my brain:

“Ok! kids on the bus! wow didn’t I just vacuum 33 seconds ago?”

“How many chunks of food do I need to actually throw in trash can or can I jam them in the rechargeable vacuum stick?”

“What is that smell? oh, yes laundry, let me get started on the smelly pile first”

“Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! Alarm”  with the words WRITE BOOK”

“What does this sticky note say?  I think I need to re-write and re-post in a more prominent place so I will actually ‘wash the windows this spring” (yes, wash windows by spring – is on a sticky note., on my fridge..)

….desperately-clinging-to my-youth-Beastie-Boys-ring-tone-on-my-colossal-technologically-advanced-smartphone that I am unable  locate ….” oh no!!!, is the school calling?..on CRAP-DRAGON where is my phone”

and so on and whence-forth.

The dialogue in my brain as it pertains to actual writing is  complicated.  It’s filled with self-doubt, ego, confidence, happiness, sadness, peace, butterflies, dragons, George Takei facebook posts, oceans of emotion, and the most evil of all kryptonite to writers, comparison. I am human. Yes, I compare myself to other people. Other moms. Other writers. Other Professionals.  Other people who seem to have their shit so tight that you just want to grab their smart phone and shuffle around their appointments and yell “YO! YOU HAVE BEEN PUNK’D”.

I KNOW ,I KNOW, no-one truly has it all together. In fact I avoid the  “perfectly put together”  persona as much as I conversely avoid hot-messes of drama and high-maintenance persona. I have made tremendous strides in my self-acceptance and catapulted from the comparison trampoline with resplendent careless abandonment more so in my forties, than I ever even DREAMED of in the my teens and twenties.One of the biggest perks of aging is  a exquisite, priceless subscription to “No-f&^%s-given-monthly”* which I welcome with open arms.

In closing, I am content this very minute with where I am in my “writing journey”. I love to read my journal and laugh so hard that I cry because I would be a lobotomized zombie of driveled doom and depressive gloom if I lost the ability to laugh at myself.   The other day I read a passage in which I wrote “Dear God, please help me find two forks to put in my eye at this v’ery moment”  (I was testing out a Cheerleader phase with my daughter and I was a cheerleader in high school so I should be more tolerant)> Thankfully, she likes dance more and I love her dance place, it’s a forkless-in-the-eye atmosphere sans any kind of bye-felicia-talk-to-the-hand-dance-mom-drama.

The great friend I had lunch with the other day  reminds me  “I AM ENOUGH”. She may not say it to me directly or daily, but through actions, her interactions with other women, the way she approaches her life, her writing , raising her kids, her faith, – she teaches me to be  kind to myself , especially when it comes to the passion I have for writing and THAT IS ENOUGH.

Caveat, As I was finishing this blog I yelled “you bring this wrath upon yourselves” in reference to me having to put the game controllers on top of the TV and shut down mine-craft.

* footnote, I stole the “No f*&% given monthly” phrase from the Daily Show with Jon Stewart

If Facebook were woman TEXTING

1) did u see at that lump pic text? SHOULD I SEE A DR?

2) My meal is FANTASTIC, see!! steak-crab-cake-flamin-fusion with a lime-mint-jollyrancher blueberry-choclate-acai-gogi Berry-TINI. It’s FULL of antioxidants.

3)HI! I ATE A PIECE OF KALE! It tasted like a Carmel MACCHIATO, & I LOST 3 LBS & ran 16 miles.

4) IM SO BLOATED. IM GOING to my Zumbatasticstrength CROSSFITish GymACROBATIX..YOGAPILATESWIM class. YOU know when  PINK flies through the air ON ROPES and shit. We do all that while in water so it’s easy on the knees and an AMAZING core workout.

5) I ATE half a bag of chips but they were NOT GMO  modified so it doesn’t count as calories. Did YOU GET THE 56 EMAILs on GMO I TEXTED YOU directly FROM OPRAH.

6) I TEXTED YOU 670 pics of Golden GLOBE FASHION DISASTERS. AND never heard from you. I’m very upset and Journaling.

7) passive agressive cryptic story. sigh. “”What SHOULD I DO???

8) DO YOU LIKE THESE JEANS I FOUND AT FOREVER21 with CUT HOLES in the THIGH & HIP area and strategically placed holes in the knees.

9) WHY HAVE not YOU JOINED THIS MOVEMENT TO END injustices OF OUR WORLD? I sent you 678000866 evites!!!

10) I DECIDED TO GIVE PINTREST A STAB and craft, decorate and practice zen stuff. I have pinned 678, 000,000 tp my 6000 boards. LET”S DO THIS PINTREST 2015

11) I hate Pintrest.

I just spent 1.5 hours on the inter webs researching the best face creams because the news is so unbelievably depressing, every sponsored ad on Facebook is how to get, stay or be HAWT for the damn Holidays  all while mastering the program of bolstering your Super Mom-treprenuer productivity by 70000% and Pin all “dis” on Pintrest.

I have no desire, none whatsoever, to “eat a sensible snack” before Mee Maws Cheese on Cheese topped with Cheese Macaroni and Cheese Lovers (with a side of butter) casserole is served.  Why on God’s Green earth would I want to fill in the spaces of my stomach with a kale smoothie before Mee Maw sets down a delicious spread of hot bubbly extra gluten , extra dairy, extra carb-o-rific casserole in front of my gleaming eyes and rumbling stomach? As much as I try to eat healthy, I will be dammed if I am going to eat a meal, before a meal, to avoid over-eating at said second meal.

If I see one more article on how MomtreprenPintrestuer Molly Mae, defies the time-space continuum by mastering bento lunches,  890 recyclable crafts and home schools her gifted eldest cat Freddie, all while penning her Momster Mania novel, I might actually just eat gluten straight out of the bag and throw my aspartame laden soda away. in the trash.

Due to the onslaught of violent CNN outbreaks and incessant gym-selfies, I told Facebook “I don’t want to see this anymore” meaning anything other than Grumpy Cat.  I was also referring to the 7987th sponsored ad with a wide-eyed, fluffy haired, sweaty model asking me if I had the fortitude to be the new strong which was the old skinny. Wait what?   Additionally, I could gain the knowledge on how to acquire an abdomen so tight I would evenhandedly put Spanxx out of business.  To which Facebook asked me 6570 more questions as to why I had the audacity to question the strong, yet tiny model who ironically bolsters the “new skinny of strong” image of 7% body fat while also trying to convince me sugar was the new cocaine.

Does your brain hurt now? I understand because my brain hurts too.  I thought what better way to clear the wreckage of a scowl hangover on Facebook, then to search for an anti-aging serum for my tired face.  (Additionally I also went down memory lane for a “throw back” Thursday photo and realized that all the fat I had in my face, had sunk to various levels throughout my body, leaving lots of chalices and crevices for extra Facebook Scowling ).

Did you know that last year I had hyaluronic acid injected into my knees due to fact that my feet turn in (making an already short person, shorter, Thanks G-Dawg)  which in return wore out the cartilage in my knee caps?  Did you also know that it’s this same hyaluronic acid that Dr Oz SWEARS reverses the aging process by 5678 years, 2 children and too many helpings of Mee Maws Cheesy mac?  Did you also  know that my Ulta Coupons and rewards was burning a hole in my email because there was only 7 days left till Christmas???

Inevitably, this adventure led me to a search for the perfect skin care regimen that would rewind time, set back the clock, and revitalize the youth cells in my scowling Facebook face. SIGN ME UP.  1.54 hours, 2 Jim Gaffigan You tube clips, 23 squinting, scowling coupon entry attempts, later, I am the proud owner of face cream that will make my husband think he traveled through the Lake House time travel movie when he comes home from his business trip!

 

We all have bad habits.  My worst habit (right now)  is thinking that if I “miss” something on my phone , the world might implode, as though, I’m an omnipotent-phone-puppet master.  There are some amazing benefits of smart phones, that have helped me tremendously in my life  I simply need to make a few tweaks for balance:

I absorb EVERYTHING as though it is directed at me personally that I need to change in my life. 15 pack abs?  Gifted writing skillzzz? Poetry slam master? Home Business Mogul? Super Mom Pintrest Planner? Kick box Dancing Runner? Yoga-Pilates-Yoda-Mind-Bender? Motivational Speaker who can Rap the Psalms?  Traveling Comedian Nurse to terminally ill patients? Doctors without Borders WHO CREATE Peaceful borders through their Martha-Stewar- Dali- Lammad approach to packing perfect  Bento lunches?

SERIOUSLY !$@!!  I SEE THIS s$/# ON THE INTERNET or the Inter Webs or The Freaking Matrix itself and think “I NEED TO SIGN UP FOR THIS SEMINAR NOW SO I CAN DO THAT THING SO I CAN SAVE THE WORLD FROM THE EBOLANIAN POLAR VORTEX with the ADAM LEVINE PROACTIVE VACCINE”

Ask my husband how many “seminars” I have asked to purchase or how many “careers” I have pursued in our blissful 11 years of marriage. He may have to pull out a counting machine thingy .

You are probably thinking:

a) “You have a God Complex”
b) “You have  ADD”
c) “You need to get a job”
d) “Wow! I am exactly like you”
e) “Here is the number to my shrink”
f) “Have you tried Zoloft?”
g) “Oh Snap! My Kohls Cash EXPIRES TODAY”

Honestly, they are probably all true except I already used my Kohls cash as I had 56 reminders on my phone and 670 sticky notes on my fridge.   Additionally, I  do have many ‘jobs’ and I am never, ever, ever bored.  You will never hear me utter those words “I Am bored”. Have you read my blogs?

For the most part B) (ADD)  trumps most of my “bad” habits. However B) also trumps my good habits and stimulates my creativity AND I’M  convinced I’m the #1 rated sitcom in Heaven based on how I go about my daily tasks. I KNOW! , for certain God is not going to discontinue programming on my ADD, because He is roaring with raucous laughter  and it makes me, ME I’m freaking hysterical, just simply waking up in the morning.:)

I’m so incredibly tired of feeling like I need to be “fixed”. I’m tired of feeling guilty for having severe ADD (I have been tested,  it’s off the charts ).  I REFUSE to use any of my defects, ailments or ADD as a crutch or an excuse for accomplishing my own individual goals. One of which is to write a damn book. I say damn because I have stopped and started for some many innocuous reasons,and it causes me to say “damn” a lot

I do not want to be cured, scanned or medicated. (I do take Zoloft because I have tried life with out it and let’s say, I would be in my bed in a ball of tears or running a marathon every week, without it’s presence in my body, and I am a FIRM believer of pharmaceutical medicine and it’s benefits when it’s used to help people feel emotionally, physically and mentally healthy NOT to mask and drown symptoms like a cheap bandaid)

I digress. My point is, I’m done looking for the “fix” in my phone or thinking that I could “break” someone or something right away if I don’t respond to their text/VM/FB post inbox etc etc etc IMMEDIATLELY ! I AM Enough without my phone and I am not going to change the world through my phone. I can however, bring love, light, inspiration and laughter to people with the aid of my phone if I find the proper balance.

Everyone in the diet/health industry is on this 21-25 day restart/reset/redo program. I think the concept is fabulous because social science dictates that it takes 23 days to make or break a habit (I literally pulled that last sentence out of my a$$, because I am not going to get distracted with Google right now :)). I learned it somewhere, probably from Google, so therefore, it’s true.

My solution  is as follows:

For 23 days, here is my, SIMPLE, 3 step plan:
A) Check Phone in am – 1x for alarm, weather AND NOT CHECK AGAIN UNTIL 10 ( UNLESS C) OCCURS)
B) Pick 2 x a day to respond to texts /gmails/calls/FB etc. yikes. maybe 3, 10AM , 2PM, 9PM
C) Put ringer on daily , so I don’t have to “check” to see if school called about the children  and get sucked in to see what celebrity lost how many pounds while  taking what crazy fruit/seed/hcgglutenfree extract while holding their breath with sugar on their nose for 21 days.

I somewhat recognize the Irony of this post; however like I said, I’m trying to focus on the postive of the smart phone /social media influence; rather than ‘bashing it’ or quitting it all together.

Thanks for your time! Now go check your Kohls Cash!!!