let me break it down:
1) Armageddon of arts, crafts & !$@## . this pic doesn’t do it justice. I dumped it all downstairs & hubby turned on a Mark Wahlberg movie THEN he cut me off from Markie mark because I was just sitting in a pile of art supplies with my mouth gaped open watching tv.
2) a lonely bin of crafty crafts that will not stay like this.
3) the door to this cabinet used to be the door to an episode of hoarders.
4) all the misc &^/#! that needs a home.
5) games in the coffee table container thingy majig that annoys me , due to its massive size versus lack of functionality & the fact that my kids hide their vitamins and trash in it.
Posts Tagged ‘humor in parenting’
Tags: humor in parenting, parenting humor
let me break it down:
Tags: disconnected, humor in parenting
I have been struggling to keep up with word press and blogging so I apologize if I haven’t seen comments or read blogs in a while!!
If I had less ——(I can’t think of a word to capitalize on what exactly less of I need to write more..), I could write all day , but then I would have nothing to write about because my life is the antithesis of boring, which I am grateful for in every single way. My point is, I’m hard on myself because I feel “behind” on my writing and book but it simply comes down to a catch-22 situation. I have adhd, OCD which drives my chaotic time management skills but it’s also the catalyst for my creativity.
A therapist once asked me in a session “Scrappie😆, do you think most Moms spray their child’s backpacks down with lysol everyday after school?”.
I have come a long way since my lysol-backpack-spraying-clorox-hoarding days, but I have a long way to go when on comes to truly letting go some of the control-mechanisms that I thought kept me sane for so long.
Yesterday my son said “You complicate answers to yes or no questions and you provide too much information”. He’s nine. I’m 42. He gets my brain which is amazingly wonderful but also undeniably frustrating when I am trying to discipline and set guidelines because he mashes on my buttons like a two year old in an elevator on a high rise.
that’s all I got. disjointed. a mess. unedited. done.
Tags: comedy, funny, humor in parenting, laughing at ourselves, laughter, parenting humor
1) My kids slept in outfits below and ate cookies for breakfast.
2) My intention was to get everyone to cute little church at and of the road to get OUR PRAISE ON SON!, today…but,
3) I slept in, ate three breakfasts, watched Adam Sandburg close the season of Saturday Night Live instead.
PS, I only let kids watch a teeny snip it, because I’m a good Mom :)
4) I am on my 5th cup of coffee and have accomplished Zero chores or tasks and I have zero plans to drink a healthy greencrimefightingdeathdryinglifechanging smoothie today.
5) I ALMOST deleted my Joel Olsteen tapings to make room on DVR (by accident!!). I just love that guy, I will watch later, on my seventh cup coffee.
6)..I overreacted in yelling at my husband telling him not to overreact at my overeactions. Right? ,sounds like a 10th grade math~philosophy test question.
7) I have been brushing my teeth with a
Tiana and The Frog toothbrush designed for four year olds, all week and my new toothbrush is still downstairs on the kitchen counter.
8) I spent way too much time reading about the JayzSolangeBey Gate conundrum versus reading about our local Political candidates.
9) Wait, I don’t regret # 8. Politics is like brushing your teeth with said tootbrush coated in sand, grit, oreos, and mayonnaise.
10) I literally cannot think of a #10 because I am that unproductive today so I have left my adoring fans with only 9 reasons..maybe 8, because 9 technically does not even count.
Tags: 40s, being 40, comedic writing, comedy, comedy funny mom parent domestic laundry school, family gatherings, forties, forty, funny, humor, humor in parenting, laugh, laugh at yourself, laughing at ourselves, laughter, old age, stream of consciousness, turning forty
I think I blogged about this before, but I absolutely have zero memory of what I wrote and yes, I could go back and read it. However, one of the 10 things that happen when you turn forty is forgetfulness and lack of patience. (picture is me 40, husband 38. Yep. I’m a Cougar. you can barely see my lips, see # 1)
On with it:
1) You lose your lip line. I’m not kidding, your face starts to melt into your lip line. Lip Liners are not for youthful people. The entire Lip Liner Industry was targeted for women over 40 who wake up one morning, look in the mirror and say “OMG WHERE ARE MY LIPS??????????????????”
a) Caveat: You LOSE LIP FAT. LIP FAT. That’s NOT EVEN FAIR. God, or Buddha, or your divine being that created you / me, I must ask “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WITH THIS ONE??? Wasn’t there somewhere else on my 40 year old body that you could have taken fat to use for whatever you need fat from my lip to assist the body part with the needed fat from my lip??? I could make a few recommendations? “
2) Spider Veins. Varicose Veins. Bumpy Veins. No, not the pretty ones that show on people who eat the perfect amounts of food and exercise perfectly and have pretty veins that barely show in their arms but kind of show because they are lean and strong. I’m talking veins that APPEAR OVERNIGHT in some cases that look like a cluster of blue bug bites. Or Looks like your children got a hold of a blue sharpie, glue and blue confetti (not shiny or glittery, the dull confetti, the kind that sits out too long in the sun at the craft store and loses all its joie de vivre) and decided to decorate your thighs and legs.
3) Cellulite. Seriously. TRAPPED FAT? Dear Divine Creator. Again, where are we going with this one? Fat being TRAPPED on your body. If the fat is there, isn’t it kind of already trapped? Why do we need to make little pockets for it to stay trapped. Its like Hotel California for FAT??? Purpose of Cellulite?? – It gives the Celebrity Photo Shoppers a vocation. OR it gives Celebrity Paparazzi something to chase after on the beach so they can hound some thin celebrity and broadcast to the world “LOOK EVERYONE EVEN SHE HAS CELLULITE” Nice.
a) Caveat: I recently took up foam rolling NOT because it’s a healthy and prevents injury. I heard it “got rid of” cellulite and I was all over that like paparazzi on cellulite on celebrities at the beach. I know it does not get “rid of it”, I know the word was “reduces the appearance of cellulite” but in my book “reduces” = “rid of”.
4) Your metabolism? Wave good bye. I had this whole long thing written out but there really is not a whole lot to explain. Scientifically it’s the truth. I had to take a very long and cumbersome test when I was a fitness instructor and the ONE thing that they kept hammering over and over in the “Nutrition” section is the older you get, the more stuff slows down. Period. End of story. I passed the test (barely) but I know I got that answer right. The good news is if you foam roll, you will NEVER EVER get injured, have zero cellulite and can exercise off everything you eat. (I’m joking here…kind of….I’m really counting on this foam rolling stuff to kick in and turn me 20 again)
5) Ladies. Your boobs. Will either go straight down or off to the side. I asked my friend if their was a cure for “armpit boobs. Mine increasingly gravitate toward the side more and more, it seems like on a daily basis. I have to re-adjust them. Hourly. Dudes, I don’t know what happens to your instruments, but feel free to blog and let your 40 year old friends know all about whatever strange phenomenon is occurring on an hourly basis, but keep it classy.
6) If you lacked patience before, expect to lack it even more. I went to very few camps or church gatherings as a child but there was one song I clearly remember “Be patient Be patient don’t be in such a hurry, you will only start to worry, Just remember God has patience too, Just think of all the times others had to wait for you”. The song frankly annoys me because it (as a song ) it invokes memories of people behind me in line, rolling their eyes and shooting me looks of severe disdain. It divinely pops into my head when I am in the line from hell at Walmart or Home Deport or Lowes or Dollar General or DMV or where ever places long lines go to DIE.
7) You eyelashes leave their home and start a new home on your chin, , jawline , above your “un-lip-lined” lip, and the top of your feet. They move south for pre-Retirement years. No extra description needed here.
8) Every time someone yelled out to you “Use sun screen” and you did not listen – turns into a sunspot, guess where?? The same place your eyelash hairs relocate to for their pre-Retirement party. Thus, you have a parade of unwanted hairs and GIANT torpedoed freckles on your upper lip, chin, jawline and feet in addition to the Hotel Calfornia’d cellulite and Micheal’s Craft store veins and so on and so forth.
9) You start giving your parent’s advice. They don’t listen and they ignore EVERYTHING you say to them in form of advice and CHANGE THE SUBJECT TO SOMETHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH HIP HOP MUSIC????? It’s like some twisted reverse-psychological- punishment for any hell you put them through when you were a teenager. I really think they do it on purpose.
10) You drone on and on about “what happens when you turn 40″. Mall teenagers, people in their “twenties” are mildly annoying, and TRUST me they find “people in their 40’s and above” as equally annoying. It’s just a vicious cycle of annoyance if anytime there is a mix of these ages; Which is virtually, any family gathering. THE only PEOPLE that favor well at family gathering, are babies. So if you over the age of TWO, things just go down hill from there. HEY BABIES AND TODDLERS – Be prepared to be annoyed for the rest of your life. :)
WAIT, I almost forgot. Bonus) Forgetfulness.
WAIT, I just thought of another one when I was loading blog link to instagram. SELFIES SUCK.
PS.This is ALL in good fun.