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profielic1I think I blogged about this before, but I absolutely have zero memory of what I wrote and yes, I could go back and read it.¬† However, one of the 10 things that happen when you turn forty is forgetfulness and lack of patience. ¬† (picture is me 40, husband 38. Yep. I’m a Cougar.¬† you can barely see my lips, see # 1)

On with it:

1) You lose your lip line. I’m not kidding, your face starts to melt into your lip line. Lip Liners are not for youthful people. The entire Lip Liner Industry was targeted for women over 40 who wake up one morning, look in the mirror and say “OMG WHERE ARE MY LIPS??????????????????”

a) Caveat: You LOSE LIP FAT.¬† LIP FAT. That’s NOT EVEN FAIR. God, or Buddha, or your divine being that created you / me, I must ask¬† “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WITH THIS ONE??? Wasn’t there somewhere else on my 40 year old body that you could have taken fat to use for whatever you need fat from my lip to assist the body part with the needed fat from my lip??? I could make a few recommendations? “

2) Spider Veins. Varicose Veins. Bumpy Veins. No, not the pretty ones that show on people who eat the perfect amounts of food and exercise perfectly and have pretty veins that barely show in their arms but kind of show because they are lean and strong. I’m talking veins that APPEAR OVERNIGHT in some cases that look like a cluster of blue bug bites.¬† Or Looks like your children got a hold of a blue sharpie, glue and blue confetti (not shiny or glittery, the dull confetti, the kind that sits out too long in the sun at the craft store and loses all its joie de vivre)¬† and decided to decorate your thighs and legs.

3) Cellulite.¬† Seriously. TRAPPED FAT?¬† Dear Divine Creator. Again, where are we going with this one? Fat being TRAPPED on your body. If the fat is there, isn’t it kind of already trapped?¬† Why do we need to make little pockets for it to stay trapped.¬† Its like Hotel California for FAT??? ¬† Purpose of Cellulite?? –¬† It gives the Celebrity Photo Shoppers a vocation.¬† OR it gives Celebrity Paparazzi something to chase after on the beach so they can hound some thin celebrity and broadcast to the world¬† “LOOK EVERYONE EVEN SHE HAS CELLULITE”¬† Nice.

a) Caveat: I recently took up foam rolling NOT because it’s a healthy and prevents injury.¬† I heard it “got rid of”¬† cellulite and I was all over that like paparazzi on cellulite on celebrities at the beach.¬† I know it does not get “rid of it”, I know the word was “reduces the appearance of cellulite” but in my book “reduces” = “rid of”.

4) Your metabolism? Wave good bye.¬† I had this whole long thing written out but there really is not a whole lot to explain.¬†¬† Scientifically it’s the truth. I had to take a very long and cumbersome test when I was a fitness instructor and the ONE thing that they kept hammering over and over in the “Nutrition” section is the older you get, the more stuff slows down. Period. End of story.¬† I¬† passed the test (barely) but I know I got that answer right. The good news is if you foam roll, you will NEVER EVER get injured, have zero cellulite and can exercise off everything you eat. (I’m joking here…kind of….I’m really counting on this foam rolling stuff to kick in and turn me 20 again)

5) Ladies.¬† Your boobs. Will either go straight down or off to the side. I asked my friend if their was a cure for “armpit boobs.¬† Mine increasingly gravitate toward the side more and more, it seems like on a daily basis. I have to re-adjust them. Hourly. Dudes, I don’t know what happens to your instruments, but feel free to blog and let your 40 year old friends know all about whatever strange phenomenon is occurring¬† on an hourly basis, but keep it classy.

6) If you lacked patience before, expect to lack it even more. I went to very few camps or church gatherings as a child but there was one song I clearly remember¬† “Be patient Be patient don’t be in such a hurry, you will only start to worry, Just remember God has patience too, Just think of all the times others had to wait for you”.¬† The song frankly annoys me because it (as a song ) it invokes memories of people behind me in line, rolling their eyes and shooting me looks of severe disdain.¬† It divinely pops into my head when I am in the line from hell at Walmart or Home Deport or Lowes or Dollar General or DMV or where ever places long lines go to DIE.

7)¬† You eyelashes¬† leave their home and start a new home on your chin, , jawline , above your “un-lip-lined” lip, and the top of your feet. They move south for pre-Retirement years. No extra description needed here.

8)¬† Every time someone yelled out to you “Use sun screen” and you did not listen – turns into a sunspot, guess where??¬† The same place your eyelash hairs relocate to for their pre-Retirement party. Thus, you have a parade of unwanted hairs and GIANT torpedoed freckles on your upper lip, chin, jawline and feet in addition to the Hotel Calfornia’d cellulite and Micheal’s Craft store veins and so on and so forth.

9) You start giving your parent’s advice.¬† They don’t listen and they ignore EVERYTHING you say to them in form of advice and CHANGE THE SUBJECT TO SOMETHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH HIP HOP MUSIC????? ¬† It’s like some twisted reverse-psychological- punishment for any hell you put them through when you were a teenager.¬†¬† I really think they do it on purpose.

10) You drone on and on about “what happens when you turn 40″.¬† Mall teenagers, people in their “twenties” are mildly annoying, and TRUST me they find “people in their 40’s and above” as equally annoying. It’s just a vicious cycle of annoyance if anytime there is a mix of these ages; Which is virtually, any family gathering.¬† THE only PEOPLE that favor well at family gathering, are babies. So if you over the age of TWO, things just go down hill from there. HEY BABIES AND TODDLERS – Be prepared to be annoyed for the rest of your life. :)

WAIT, I almost forgot. Bonus) Forgetfulness.

WAIT, I just thought of another one when I was loading blog link to instagram.  SELFIES SUCK.

PS.This is ALL in good fun.

 

 

To know me is to love me. Or strongly dislike me. I’m like a hot cup of coffee on a hot day. Hence the name Scrappie-Momma.¬† Where did I get this name from? No, I do not scrap book.¬† I tried and you want to know how much I completed? One page out of a 500 page book my darling husband bought for me after I declared “Oh Honey I can’t WAIT to stay home with the new baby and scrapbook, cook novella cuisine dinners for you nightly¬† and who knows maybe I’ll even start gardening or something really domestic.”¬† You see, I had just signed a generous severance package from a bank I was working at as a Human Resource manager and hubs was a little nervous about what was going to happen after that severance ran out and I was all comfy and cozy with new baby and my fabulous scrap book creations. Clearly we will be able to survive on my crafty “craftmanship” scrapbook creations won’t we?¬† That story to be told another day..¬† He said one of the reasons he fell in love with me was because he thought I was going to be a high powered executive in Human Resources. Oops.

Okay, so now you know Scrappie does not come from scrap-booking.¬† Do you remember the show Friends? Well there was an episode when Phoebe told Monica she was Scrappie or Scrappy (the spell check thingy majiggy keeps saying scrappie is misspelled. whatevs, now this whole sentence is underlined in red..) Anyways, Phoebe told Monica she was Scrappie because Monica “scrapped” her way back in to Phoebes life after Phoebes decided she did not like her! Well that’s kind of me in a nutshell. If I like you and you do not care for my presence, hang around, because I will warm your soul like a hot cup of coffee. You just might need to wait for it to get cold outside (or go into a well air conditioned building) before you actually enjoy my presence.

Today was a typical Scrappie-Momma type of day.¬† I tend to run about 6-8 minutes behind schedule, I am not usually “late” but because of my ability to navigate this fake,extra-time sequence in to all my clocks, and tell myself “oh I have an extra 6-8 minutes” , I’m usually hurriedly completing easy tasks in a frantic fashion.¬† For instance, I have thick hair. No thick is an understatement. I have hair that could be used to make a chain link fence. I could shield bullets with my helmet of hair. I have had it thinned and feathered but it just grows back in thicker and I then I have a thick, overgrown mullet.¬† Ask any hair dresser who has cut my hair they have all exclaimed “DAMN you have a lot of hair,¬† I didn’t realize how thick your¬† hair was, wow, we might need a few more minutes with your next appointment.”¬† OK, maybe they didn’t say Damn, but I can tell from their expression they want to and they also want to charge me more for dulling their scissors with my chain-link metal hair.

My point being, I was running late and I was trying to get 4 big chunky necklaces around my neck (CHUNKY CLUNKY jewels are IN my FRIENDS, and Friends from Friends too.) and they all got caught in the chain-links of my hair. I broke one and managed to get two off, but they are mangled and tangled together sitting on my husbands side of the sink for him to fix , after he gets home from a long trip because that was what he was longing to do, after sitting on a plane, and in Atlanta traffic for five hours.  Seriously, how does one BREAK  a necklace in her hair?  Me. due in part because I have mutant-Ly thick hair and due in part because I built in 6-8 minutes of time that never existed in the first place. Typical Scrappie or Scrappy or Crappy behavior.

I made it to my destination a few minutes late but not absurdly late, and my day started to even out time-wise; however, the rush of adrenaline from fighting with my chain-link-helmet-sheild hair or from the 650 cups of coffee, fueled me into wide-eyed Scrappie Momma mode.¬† So I pulled out of a parking lot and admittedly even thought I did glance to the right,¬† I didn’t see the Prius honking it’s horn of justice , no scratch that, laying ON THE HORN for 30 seconds straight,¬† with I think both middle fingers stuck out the window because I had inadvertently cut him/her off. I could not tell the gender because the face was blocked by the affectionate traffic gestures of love. Maybe I was his/her Valentines?¬† I’m not, by any means, condoning my driving skills and I want to apologize to the man/women I cut off, It was NOT intentional.¬† My helmet hair got in the way of my peripherals.

Lastly, I made a stop at TJMAXX Home-Goods because we are re-decorating my sons room and I thought what the heck , they might have some distressed antique /industrial looking furniture that , ok , ok momma really wants and almost tween son could give two shakes of a lamb tale about.¬† I could bring home old hospital furniture and he’d be like “sup” “looks good moms”.¬† Anyways as I was frantically taking pictures (and Texting to my husband who was in a car with his boss) of all the AMAZING DEALS on SOLID WOOD vintage-couture-industrial-shabby-chic-antique pieces that now I was kind of salivating because I was thinking “Hey this might look great in the ……..”¬† I bumped into someone and my Starbucks Soy Latte splashed all over another piece of furniture (do not worry it was not one of the pieces I wanted for my son/living/tea/guest room. Phew.

I am not a person who splashes and doesn’t tell so I did run to the front to alert the very disenchanted staff and management who then proceed to call “Josh” over the paging system:¬† “WE HAVE A CLEAN UP IN THE BACK. SOME LADY SPILLED HER STARBUCKS.”¬† Josh and his attending (I’m not kidding, he had an assistant ) came rushing to my assistance. Thankfully , the splash was still “active” and my latte was made with organic soy milk so, like it was¬† Vegan, Paleo, Atkins, South Beach and Nutrisystem approved¬† AND¬† gluten/pesticide free; therefore it did not harm the furniture. Josh, myself and his attending were all very relieved that I did not scar the cute little end table from Morocco.

In closing, the collateral damage and klutzy sins of Scrappie Momma was atoned for.¬† I said a quick “I’m sorry God I will really try to pay more attention when I am driving and I do have a big ‘no Texting’ sticky note on my dashboard, so please let Jesus know that I do have that sign on my dashboard and I do refer to it quite a bit.” ¬† Although I wasn’t Texting (omg texting isn’t a word yet??, it’s coming up RED as misspelled…) at the time of the Prius-Valentine-Rendevouz- I just hadn’t clipped my helmet back enough.¬† But no excuses, I will do better.¬† Finally, an apology to Josh, and his attending for quickly rushing in to clean up the remnants¬† of my sweet & salty soy latte.¬† I have to admit , I was in mourning the loss of the rest of my latte because that was the frothiest soy latte I had had in a long time.

Starbucks tomorrow? I promise, I will look both ways before turning out onto the street and I will not bring my frothy delight-fulness into any home goods or boutiques.  Peace and Happy Early Valentines Day!

I had to google the word “placation” because I was not 100 percent sure if it was the “tion” form of the word placate.¬† Let me just tell you I love the word “placate” because it sounds so¬† Joan-Crawford-Mommie-Dearest,¬† “DON’T PLACATE ME WITH YOUR WIRE HANGERS”¬† I know she doesn’t say that, but good grapes you know that is what she suggested she say to the script writer dude.¬†¬† On the other hand, I desperately can not stand to be placated or outwardly insulted with some form of phrase like “oh, yeah that’s totally a no brainier, you should do it” and I say this with the utmost inflection being on “brainer” & “you should do it” (To get the full effect on how I’m saying this out loud to myself, google Californians on Saturday Night live.¬† Ok ,I’ll wait.¬† Yeah, that’s how I am saying it.¬† When any sales person utters the word “no brainer”, I stare at them like scary kids with no eyes in those paranormal movies , turn around and walk out.¬†¬† Or I suggest they sell to actual Zombies who¬† have lost most of their brain power.

I coined this term because I feel like “nice” people who are not necessarily door mats, but truly try to see the good in other people fall victim to episodes of “Passive Aggressive Placation”.¬† I’m going to do my darnedest to give examples without being a total bitch, because I do consider my self a “nice” person but I also own a bit of snark, or scrappiness if you will. Truth needs to be told about people who are “serial-killer-nasty” ; one moment¬† a charming savant of manners and compliments while altruistically robed in a ‘Snugee’ of “ratchetness”, cheap polyester and barbed wire accolades.¬†¬† Passive Aggressive Placation is my kryptonite.¬† It turns my face red , I will flip my head around so fast, start snapping and hip-walking with the “let me tell you something” phrase frothing¬† out of my mouth like the foamy desirableness of a Carmel Machiatto. (ok spell check keeps telling me that Machiatto should really be the word Machination)

Passive Aggressive Placation is really the tool of annoying and sometimes even¬†extremely successful Sales People.¬† It’s the inauthentic dumfounded shock and awe on the sales person’s face when they have spent their incredibly precious time desperately providing “high Key” covertly disguised as a “low-key” sales pitch and you politely decline. To which they respond: “Oh, I”m flabbergasted that such an extremely well-educated¬† gorgeous, brilliant, young lady would pass up on such an incredible deal”.¬† Saying “no” to hot-shot sales people, is like saying “no” to a smart-mouthed over-privileged teenager who is learning how to manipulate their parents.¬† They know if they go bat-**** crazy , there is no dice, but if they play it “cool” and back-hand compliment the hell out the situation, there is a chance that “no” will turn into a “yes”.

My favorite do or die sales pitch is the: “There are only 50 items/spots left and time is running out, your life is a mess, you need this, tap into that savings account NOW! what are you WAITING FOR?”!

“UM, for my common sense to kick in to realize that what you are charging is asinine¬† Or

“Um, for my common sense to kick in to realize that you have only had this promotion running for 1 day”

No, No, that’s not even the passive aggressive placating part.¬† It’s the part where they close the actual deal down and say “NO MORE LEFT”¬† and then magically 24 hours later, 400 items etc are suddenly available.¬† I get it, supply and demand; hence, welcome to the rave party of underhanded sales. “If you do not act now, your life will be sucked into a deep, black hole of despair, desolation, and depression. The three Ds or darkness will cascade upon you forever UNLESS you sign up for this one~-time, short lived offer of glow stick freedom enmeshed in the giant “mosh” pit of enternal financial bliss, do you have your pay pal account available?”

Unfortunately, sleep deprived or insomniacs are plagued with the “Do you desperately hate your life that you are sitting there in your jogging pants, covered in Cheetos, hating yourself for eating Cheetos and wearing ugly jogging pants, well! sign up now with a start up fee of ____ and I guarantee you will love your life again” ¬†¬† ¬† It’s also used in the billion dollar diet industry¬† coupled with the “I guarantee you will lose weight if you try this fabulous innovative new product”. * ¬† I could write a BOOK on incessant onslaught of fitness crazes, fads, pills, shakes etc that reign down upon us like skittles in those psychedelic skittles commercial. It’s absurd!!! And I’m not immune,¬† I like to exercise, I have bought some of the stuff to stay MODERATELY fit; however, if I scroll through certain health magazines or websites, Moderate is NOT GOOD ENOUGH WOMAN!. ¬†¬† According to the fitness revolution, if I can’t wash my undies on my washboard abs,¬† apparently I need more products and I certainly need to eat more twigs and less cheetos. ¬† No wonder people do not want to start an exercise program!¬†¬† I see this fitness phrase a lot “What’s your excuse?”¬†¬† I think some one needs to respond “YOU ARE SCARING ME”. ¬† If I see one more female lift up their shirt to show their abs and the bottom of their boobs in a effort to “sell” fitness, I am going to try and wash my undies on my 2.5 pack and tell them “I want my money back, it didn’t work”. **

I know we can all think of how this type of behavior affected us or affected us.¬† The creepy boss who said things like “I’m your biggest fan but…”¬† No, you are not my biggest fan. That’s creepy and why start a sentence like that and use the word “but”, just give me the feedback and do not be a douche-bag. (according to my grammar check, douche-bag should be hyphenated). ¬† Or the obnoxious supermom who says things like “Bless your heart, you look really stressed & tired, have you read Baby Wise or do you eat too much gluten and saturated fat? I did all that and look at me! I’m a size zero and baby girl is sleeping through the night!” ¬† Really sweetheart,¬† how about, “Let me give you a hug because I understand what you are going through and I’d rather be nice to you versus a condescending , lip-glossed, twig-eating ______”

When I had my first child, HIS THIRD MONTH of LIFE, I hadn’t gone back to work and¬† a mom (I don’t know if she worked or not, well maybe at being obnoxious) asked me “WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY” ¬†¬† Um, well now I’m going to cut up creepy pictures of you and poke black holes in the eye slots and say voo doo doo doo prayers¬† in them while I eat my giant stash of Dove Chocolate bars (and cheetos bc I love cheetos; thus, why I have mentioned them several times and guess what? they have an “all natural brand”¬† which means I can lose weight WHILE I’m eating them because they are negative calories…), because apparently I’m not productive enough for you to ask me rational, polite questions.¬† Yeah I said voo doo doo doo prayers.¬† People who are passively aggressively placating invoke voo doo doo doo doo behavior.

How bout you, what’s your example of passive aggressive placation?

Footnotes for asterisks*

* The entire health industry does not fall into this category, therefore no disrespect to the health industry as an industry per-say..(grammatically that sentence was crappy but I’m trying to a make a point on sleazy sales gimmicks , not “out” any hard working fitness and health professionals who really do care about the public good)

** again, attraction marketing, I get it. Of course you should show of those abs! But do it in a way that’s not so obnoxious.¬† Wear a cute FULL COVERAGE ATHLETIC bra top, there really is no need for you to lift up your shirt. None.¬† This isn’t Spring Break in Cancun.¬† Google “cute athletic bras” and I guarantee you will find something G rated that I do not have to hide from my children if I’m scrolling Instagram with my kids sitting next to me.

“whats your excuse”

  • During my mad-vacumming blitz I got lodged in between the tank of a washing machine and corner of a wall and couldn’t UN-lodge myself for a good 3 minutes. I utilized my limited YOGA skills to slither out of this domesticated Jason Bourne laundry def-com crisis.
  • A massive robo blitz call went out to all parents of all schools in our area stating “your child is absent”. I did not know it was a system-glitch and hyperventilated until almost passing out while calling all the schools to reach a busy signal. Thankfully, I received the update via a text from kind friends, before face-planting on the tile.
  • My latest complaint to I-tunes is headed “Every-time I try to fix a playlist, download music or even click on the I tunes Icon,, I reach for a fork, in which I plan to stick in my eye”

Good Day.