Posts Tagged ‘coffee’

5:30 am Why Is my alarm screaming.


5:31 Who sets the snooze lapse for A minute?

5:32 I elbow my son in the nose. He’s awake. * (see below )

5:40 am Why? Seriously , did I get hired ? Am I supposed to be working?  AM I LATE TO WORK?

5:43  No Seriously. I squint at my alarm. It says “LIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ”. What does that mean?  I’m a jobless, bon-bon eatin’,  Stay-at-Home-Organic-Vegan-co-sleeping-Mom blogger.. Why so early?. and No..I like burgers, bacon and bratwurst so…WHO AM I? and WHAT AM I DOING?

5:50 I walk/jog/crawl  with my  mommy friend (as noted above) and we dish about joint pain and how I haven’t any  desire to be a feminist or activist.

6:30 Today is not a 1 or 2 coffee-cup maker kind of day. I pull out the big guns. Old Faithful. $13.50 Mr Coffee- Wal-Mart Special.. (my only [parenting advice here and ever.  Do not buy the coffee maker that starts with a ‘K’ and ends with a ‘G’.  )

6:32   Kids are wide awake. They have hijacked my silent Facebook time.  Huddled in the “office” because the “wifi ” signal is strongest. Everyday is a technology apocalypse as our “wi-fi” is not up to their snuff. They grate each others’ nerves like a chalkboard on nails. Yes, I said it backwards because their banter is an inexplicable  Screeches that rip into the recesses of a sightly caffeinated soul.

6:47  British\Australian narrated Mine-craft videos reverberate through the house. The kids scream “You are annoying me with that sound,..STOP BREATHING MY AIR.”   I scream “No, GROWN MAN kangaroo JACK from the OUTBACK needs to stop TALKING about Creepers at an elevated decibel level. Doesn’t he know I am trying to ‘narcissicize’ right now?  (Jassercize for Narcissists.)

6:90 (wait, 7:10?) A thunderous crash.  “Her mere presence annoys me, so I kicked her chair”  my son states, like a trial lawyer.

6:1999   “Mommy, brother said I was creepy as Hell” ,my daughter states because she doesn’t brush her hair and it is covering her face, and I admit, as the Movie Reviews for ‘Dead Man Creepin’ , echo in the distance from the tv downstairs, she could use a headband or something. (, we don’t use Brother and Sister, to speak to one another, because that’s creepy…)

7 sometin’ ….  I flee upstairs, coffee sloshing all over our already Food-CSI splattered carpets, grab the mangled IPADS, close them gently (screen wreckage of the past)  and angrily, but gingerly, place them ‘out of reach’.

7 34. Silence.  I hungrily scour through my Blogging Groups.  My eyes dance as I read satirical blogs and laugh uproariously.

7:43 I see a Facebook Comic Post.* It peeks my curiosity. Early morning reading should be comical. I can’t read self-righteous indignation posts before noon.   ….What’s this now? a  Coffee giveaway? Now that’s my JAM.  I start to comment. Per Usual, my comment is abnormally long-winded, so I cut and copy into a blog post.

8:00 Someone wheedles their way into my vision and ask for technology. I give them a Miranda Priestly (Devil Wears Prada) wave.

8:15  Need. food.

8:16 I wash down food with  coffee like Gatorade. “IS IT IN YOU??”  It dribbles down my chin…softly spilling onto my white night shirt, I wore walking/crawling/running. {Yes I wore a bra}    I wipe it off like Serena Williams after Wimbledon. I’m a Coffee champion.   This statement is not in jest. I drink coffee like a sport.

8:20  No-one has asked me where their goggles are located. If I hear “I can’t FIND MY GOGGLES” ONE MORE TIME THIS SUMMER, I will run down the street dressed only in the missing goggles and widowed socks of my Suburban Cluster.

8:23 Well, lest not we rush to haughty pronouncements.  “Where is my charger?, oh you aren’t even going to help me find it? You MOVED it to vacuum last night.”  my son. OBJECTION!

8:34 I stand in front of the pantry, checking the expiration date on the Trader Joe cookie butters. “Damn you Joe, I blame you for everything muffiny on my body”. 

8:53, I don’t know what  a Trenta is, or even if it exists, but I promise you, if you are out there, and you need a home,you will be treated well and used to fuel long hours of Emo-gee Texting and Facebook Grouping.

Love, the self proclaimed Coffee Champion of the world.

*Attention! Caveat. -All Self Proclaimed-Judge-Jury-Self-Professed-Perpetual-Parenting Experts.  Yes. My kids are sleeping.    In our bed at 530 am.  I feel the wide-eyed questions creeping into your galvanized hearts of cynical acumen. Do we Co sleep ?  Am I a hippie? Did we breast feed?   Do we home school ? Organic Vegans?I shall not feed the souls who prey on the trivial. On Facebook.  I will not respond to  the guise of “making the world a better place”, one morally outraged, yet unbelievably delusional,  comment at a time. Please don’t get stuck at the 5:30 mark, before you comment.    “Move Along” I say, in my Miranda Priestly voice. Maybe Try Scary Mommy?



My morning started with this text to my husband. I’m sorry if its #tmi as the hipster kids say, but I write what I know. Seriously? I haven’t even had my breakfast and my sister stayed over so the coffee is so strong I was so jittery I could barely snake the toilet, or ter~lit as they say on Swamp Things.  I text-ed him a picture of all the garden tools while we were talking on the phone because I assuredly explained to him the snake tool is NOT IN THE BASEMENT.  Upon further investigation and many sighs on the other end, yes the conversation ended with “Oh, Okay sorry to bother you , yes I see it now”

Next, I head out to the bus stop and lo and behold, I always gather new information about what I have missed as a Non Super Mom. Mind you, the other two moms have three and four children each, I have two so I am always perplexed when I am the one consistently not getting the memos! Okay, maybe the memos do not get perused as carefully as they should on a daily basis. Apparently there was a giant Art and Chorus night for my son’s school at the Academy and the new Community Center (which I did not even know existed till this morning). I promptly emailed his teacher as follows:

  • I missed  _(son’s name)____ art night I got confused bc my daughter’s is tomorrow night and disregarded email bc I thought it was reminder for hers, oops. Is it all week? Can you forward me the email again. So Sorry, :) 

Her Response:

  • Hey Laurie, no it was just last night. All of the art work was displayed and they had a chorus concert. I am sure he will be able to bring home his artwork at some point. Sorry you missed it!

My response:

  • Ok sorry he missed chorus thing.

Needless to say, I was LOVE to be a fly on the wall during lunch in the Teachers lounge as they discuss the email of the week from Ms Laurie Jane.  Considering I called the pediatrician, daily, sometimes thrice daily, when my first born was well, first born, they really should not be surprised I am this insane.  Maybe pediatricians and teachers should all swap and forward on notes about the parents so everyone is on the same page and the expectations are set appropriately as to what to expect from parents. Notice I said parents, because I am most fiarly certain that the teachers worst headache is never an unruly child, it’s the parents like me who , as I have mentioned before, never got the manual from the hospital when the storks delivered the children.

In closing, I found the snake thing, I will try to insert said pictures into this but the phone I own takes these enormous pictures and I can not for the life of me figure out how to edit the pictures properly on Word Press. YES! I know there are many books on how to use Word Press and I have tried reading them all and I usually end up in a nap coma for four hours because 1) I do not understand the books and 2) the make me sleepy.  Tomorrow night is my daughter’s Arts Night. I have 4 pieces of paper and 6 stickies cemented  on various mirrors and appliances , reminding me I have two children and it really should not be this difficult.



































































Not lake tahoe because I have never been. I mean I’d LOVE to go and it probably would be my JAM if I went, but I can not falsely advertise that I went. This relic is one of those “my hubs went to a starbux in Tahoe and brought me home a mug”  type of gifts!

Thank goodness it was not a t-shirt because we have so many t-shirts and I have an unbelievable time parting with t-shirts. I get kind of weepy and “vaclempt” when they get demoted to the rag pile. Yes, vaclempt is an actual word, I gleaned it from my rigorous studies of Saturday Live watching AND just googled it to verify I was using the vernacular correctly. I am pretty sure I utilized vernacular correctly. I am NOT googling it though, because I am short on time, because I hit snooze to many times! Hey that rhymes, maybe I should really rethink my career as a hip.hop artitst. I will put  a pen in it.

THIS is also why Twitter hates me because of the 140 characters rule.  Oh friends, the roads we could go down on why I love coffee!  I blame Twitter for stifling my writing and my creativity. I’ll write a scathing letter to them later today unleashing my disheartened demeanor at how they have completely steered me experience unparralled vicissitudes in life. *

Ahhh, the nectar of the gods, the skip in my step, the warm tingling in soul, the jitters I experience at 10 am because I drank the whole pot, the black crud that burns to the bottom because I did not turn off the burner, wait where was I going with this?

YES, Alas coffee is more than a beverage. Its a morning ritual that esse could be summed up with the sentence “THIS IS MY JAM” , but we all know, I am NOT one of few words.

* I’m joking, I am not writing a letter to Twitter.