If you read through my journal, there are a few common themes that revolve around the same premise. Guilt. Mom Guilt. It’s real and it’s not pretty.
Hence, in my title, this incessant need to DEFEND MYSELF AGAINST THE SILENT VOICES OF CONDEMNATION within the Momville. MomBurb. Momtown. Why do I tense up like a frozen ice cubes (wait, are ice cubes tense?) when I see another Mom at school and I AUTOMATICALLY assume she is a better multi-tasker and her cage-free-low-glycemic-chocolate-chip cookies would move Heaven and Earth straight into the abyss of the next PTO meeting. Where does this come from? Why all the comparing and contrasting and score keeping?
I honestly do not know. Maybe it was my child hood. Maybe it was the anorexia. Maybe it was the alcoholism. Maybe it was because my mom smoked and bottle fed. Maybe it was my Mom threw her pocketbooks out the window for no particular reason except it was a nice day. Maybe it was because I ate ant poison. Maybe it was because I jumped into a giant haystack and was 2 centimeters away from a pitchfork going into my back. Maybe it’s the internet. Maybe it’s Maybelline? Maybe it’s because WE ARE ALL SCARED THAT SOMETHING HORRIBLE IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO US BEFORE OUR CHILDREN ARE GROWN OR TO OUR CHILDREN and if we just listened to the advice from Food Babe on how to organic-up everything, they will be safe and secure FOREVER.
This blog is not about learning how to fit the mold or how to shield off the veil of scrutiny from our peers. This blog is to be okay with who you are right now, and learning how to fit into yourself, drawing from your inner self and pulling out the fascinating qualities that make you ENOUGH for YOUR MOLD. (not the organic mold in your shower..) I understand the power of positivity and gratitude and ‘seeing the glass half full’ with God’s abundance. Moms also need to know it’s okay to not have it all together, not be okay, and accept ourselves FOR WHO WE ARE RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
When my kids are sick, or not adjusting well socially, or having a bad day or bad week, or I just ate an Arby’s meal so fast I almost passed out, or I went outside to scream and hit the trash can with a Nerf baseball bat, I need an “I understand”, from ‘Momrades’ not a thesis of criticism. “Imagine my delight, when I was told, via Facebook comments, I should be using Aunty-Emmies Organic-Kale-Chia-Jelly-Bean-Casserole to cure their Purple Eye,” is not something I hear a lot from my Mom friends. Maybe I am wrong, but no-one seems to be delighted by Facebook Feedback. Maybe the Mom-defense comes from superimposed flawless pieces of knowledge, from superfluous parenting blogging experts, virally tossed air like dust, as they cascade into exaggerated dust bunnies of scolding pronouncements.
Moms and all parents, have incredibly tough jobs, the last thing ANY of us need is to feel like someone is clocking our every move in Momburbia. I get incredibly nervous when I meet a new Mom, especially if she is a working Mom, because I immediately feel like I have provide a graph of my Stay at Home Mom productivity. In my head I’m all like, “Yes, I stay at home, crack open a 40 of Free-Range-Mad-Dog, blaze up my clove-smokes, lie out in the baby pool with my hemp-patchouli-sun-care-coconut oil-tea-cream, and listen to some dope Tupac, while I chill” Instead it goes something like this. “Oh well my husband works 709876 hours a week, and while the kids are in school I clean, cook, fold, consign, write rhymes, write books,nooks and run, walk, jog, yoga-dance-squat-flow, you know like Pink, blog, de-fog, catch frogs, clog, and WOW I admire you so much , love your hair and your nails where did you get that outfit? .. Yeah, something like that. I have no chill.
Maybe it’s because of the labels we delve out amongst our Momrades:
Organic Mom. Working Mom. Stay at Home Mom. Momtrepreneur, Runner Mom. Biker Mom. Dance Mom. Soccer Mom. Fitness Mom. Mad Dog Mom. Mom hiding in the closet eating her unorganic-extra gluten-gmo-infused-cookies, Mom, Vaxer-Mom, Anti-vaxer-mom, Homeschool Mom, Private school Mom, Carpool Mom, PJ Mom, bra-less Mom (that’s me by 3), Mommy Blogger. Mom Coach. Cheer Mom. Helicopter Mom, Free-Range Mom, ..labels. to fit us into categories and molds because anything else is uncomfortable.
What about this:
Understanding Mom. Cancer Survivor Mom. Loving Mom. Beautiful Mom. Mom who does all that behind the scenes work and never asks or thinks she deserves an ounce of recognition, Mom. Single Mom, who just needs someone to say ONCE, “YOU ARE DOING OKAY MOM, Mom. Mom who took that first step to battling her addiction, Mom. Mom who summoned the courage to pack up her bags and leave her abuser, Mom. Mom, who cries herself to sleep because her child is being bullied, Mom. Mom who fought for custody from an unfit Father, Mom. Mom who battles those “silent illnesses” that society dismisses, Mom. Mom, who just buried her child, Mom.
I have been a chameleon most of my life, but little by little, I’m losing the need to morph into what I think people what me to be to “please their expectations”. My head-people repertoire used to be something like this. You drink till you pass out, Game on ! (until I really can’t do that).” Oh You are an athlete? let’s do box jumps!, (until my knee caps pop off and the Doctor says, no you really can’t do that) Oh you think I could really teach hip hop at age 40 , with very little experience, ok Where do I sign over my reality check??? …I want to follow my passions and dreams, but being a Chameleon to seek society’s approval, is what leads me down the rabbit hole of the isolating shrinking violet.
The inspiration for this blog came from the Mommitment Event. The goo of Mommitment is our ability to define on our own terms, what Mommitment means to US and how we treat other MOMS. We each get to choose to support each other; regardless of our parenting styles, and talk to each other kindly and openly,. It’s the ability to be ourselves, without, someone “killing our vibe” because it’s not what we are used too. For me, its stating my opinion, in public or on social media, or in my blog, without another Mom slashing it to bits and telling me why I’m wrong and my voice does not matter, or ignoring it all together, simply because my honesty makes someone feel uncomfortable. Moms should be enough, without the labels, judgment and volcanos of advice that seems to come crashing into your serenity zone, at every twist and turn. Take a minute and think about what you can do to approve and love yourself, your fellow Moms and move forward with an open heart.
Please go to http://www.change.org/p/moms-make-a-mommitment or mommitment.org to see how you make a mommitment.