Support and compassion is the antidote for comparison and judgement.
I am a Stay at Home Mom. I should just leave that title as such. Yet, I feel it should be justified with, ‘I am a Stay at Home Mom, with a very busy working husband.’
What if my husband worked 10-2? What if he did not work? What if we lived on a modest trust fund, hell ! what if we lived on a PHAT trust fund and we were straight up ballin’ in our crib? Would you judge me differently? Why do I feel the need to justify my existence and parameters as a SAHM? Society , Mommy Wars and a bad case of PTCS. ( Post Traumatic Commenting Syndrome = reading too many comments on Huffington Post Parents Blogs).
Are you judging me now of all my urban vernacular? Word Press is judging me because it’s turning all my slang words red words with lines and emogees of disdain. 😐
I’m not blaming any one person or group of people for the Mommy Wars, because the blame game is a collateral caveat of the phenomenon itself. Truth be told, if I see a fly-looking-Momma, with perfect hair, gorgeous outfit , amazing accessories and ‘hawt’ stacked heels – my small-insecure-bitchy-voice MIGHT say to myself.. “Wow, she must have a lot of time on her hands!”
OKAY !! before you get mad- Fly Looking Mommas – the GIANT-non-judgemental -good-voice- says “stop judging Scrappie Momma, her flyness is not a personal attack on YOUR deodorant shower” Seriously, I have mad respect for Fly Looking Mommas, I may be sizing you up for fashion advice because it’s truly a hit or miss for me. I do realize the importance of self-care and feeling good about myself from the internal to the external and that is truly different for every individual, so NO Judgements!!. I’m just being honest and human about the voices in my head. I’m not crazy, I have been tested and I am properly medicated.
I weave in and out of my obscurity and promotion when it comes to blogging, again from my PTCS and insecurity and even more so when the topic is on straight-up-serious-motherhood stuff. I KNOW how incredibly harsh I rate and criticize myself, I am not sure I am ready for anyone else to do it, so I do kind of revel in my ambiguity because even good attention, scares the flipping shit out of me. However I do want to impact other moms in sharing my stories in an effort to help them know it’s ok to be vulnerable and unique in your Momness.
I have a twitter account and I decided to test my 140 characters of Momisms and quirky sense of humor. I tweet and search hashtags as I’m tweeting and I typed in #Mom and #”mommittment” came up, and I thought “What a cool hashtag!”, not really knowing what it “meant” or that it was a movement created by @nextlifenokids on twitter (or @Mommitment duh!!), Leave it to Scrappie Momma to literally scrap my way into a hashtag!! I tweeted about 10 or 15 tweets with this hashtag attached to it, mostly quips of streaming-voices-in-head-humor about mom-shenanigans.
@nextlifenokids, messaged me on twitter and graciously explained the hashtag because there were a lot new moms following and she wanted to make sure she was sending the correct message via #mommitment. (link to change.org Mommitment petition at bottom of page!!). She also tweeted and asked me to write a blog after realizing I was a blogger! In essence, Mommitment is a commitment from all Moms to other Moms to end the Mommy Wars. (read the entire definition on the petition and sign!)
I think any mom or parent could write an Encyclopedia Britanica on the storm of emotions that broil inside us simply from being a parent. It’s not as simple as waking up and taking care of your child, or sleeping with one eye open, which is how I slept as soon as I have kids to this very day. Honestly, I am not sure I could even put those “emotions” into any type of simple or completely understandable context. What I do know, is that the “Mommy Wars” or discontent and strife between different parenting styles , is all rooted from the same place. The varying levels of emotions parents feel in knowing that even if they do every single effing thing to protect their child from the atrocities of this sometimes, cruel world, it may not be enough to protect them. So when a Mom flips her shit in a comments section on a Huff Po blog, She’s just scared and it’s not worth proving my momness in a flip-shitting-war over wearing yoga pants to vaccination appointments. 😨 (that’s kind of an exaggeration of various mom duels…:)) It’s more important to spend time and energy through supportive dialogue.
For example, when I was in the “health and fitness” industry, I was privy to a lot of very healthy moms and their blogs and opinions on what we should be feeding OUR kids. At some point, I was freaking the eff out on what I was feeding my kids. As a person with (diagnosed by a doctor) ADHD, going to the grocery store was difficult enough, therefore, going to the grocery store with an arsenal of 5000000 Pinterest pictures of what healthy moms make for their kiddos tattooed into my brain, was enough to drive me bat shit crazy.
I was angry, with everyone. Why? because I was terrified. What if the foods I am feeding my children is festering some scary crazy pesticidAL -GMO’d-alien inside my BABIES and WHOSE fault is this apocalyptic child snack nightmare? MINE? Pinterest? the Grocery store ? Farmers? my lack of farmland to grow my own food? I got lost in this cyclical panic of fear until I realized that as long as I was doing the BEST I COULD based on my resources and I needed to turn the scary voices off.
The scary insecurities that roar out of me or any Mom as judgement is truly from pushing down fear, inadequacy, comparison, and “shit !what If I am doing THIS WRONG?” Maybe it is the fact that I never got the manual and I was all like “Maternity Nurse People, this manual says 0-6 months? Where is the rest of the manual????”
Just today as I was blogging this post, another mom asked me:
“What are you writing?”
Me ” a blog on mommitment” and I explained the premise and source.
click. clickity clack. click. tippy tap. (me typing )
Mom ” Do you get paid? ”
Me ” No” and I gibber this long-winded justification of all the
failed part-time Jobs and my busy working husband thesis…….
….and then stopped and said
” I just love to write!”
Mom : ” You could get sponsors”
Me: “Right now I’m satisfied with my mom duties, writing my blog and book”
…And then we both started laughing because we couldn’t stop making each other yawn.
Old bitchy me would have been pissed because I felt soooo judged because she didn’t say “OMG YOU ARE SO FREAKING AMAZING! WOW YOU ARE MY HERO FOR BLOGGING ABOUT MOMS FOR FREE” and jumped up and down with joy. New calm-voices-in head me, welcomed the questions and answers and truly felt like she was just interested in what another Mom was doing while sitting on the dance mom sofa.
For me “mommitment” is all Moms wanting our kids to be “ok”,
away from danger
safe, loved and nurtured.
As moms, if we a feel that we might be doing anything less than perfect and we are “challenged ” by some other mom …the claws come out. I know I’m sensitive to it, but my nails are always broken so I have to channel-my-Victor Newman-middle-brow-wrinkle-scowl into a sympathetic Mom-nod-of-understanding!
Click the picture to find out more about mommitment!