Archive for the ‘mommy’ Category

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I am a Stay at Home Mom. I should just leave that title as such. Yet, I feel it should be justified with, ‘I am a Stay at Home Mom, with a very busy working husband.’

What if my husband worked 10-2? What if he did not work? What if we lived on a modest trust fund, hell ! what if we lived on a PHAT trust fund and we were straight up ballin’ in our crib?  Would you judge me differently? Why do I feel the need to justify my existence and parameters as a SAHM?  Society , Mommy Wars and a bad case of PTCS. ( Post Traumatic Commenting Syndrome = reading too many comments on Huffington Post Parents Blogs).
Are you judging me now of all my urban vernacular?  Word Press is judging me because it’s turning all  my slang words red words with lines and emogees of disdain. 😐

I’m not blaming any one person or group of people for the Mommy Wars, because the blame game is a collateral caveat of the phenomenon itself. Truth be told, if I see a fly-looking-Momma, with perfect hair, gorgeous outfit , amazing accessories and ‘hawt’ stacked heels – my small-insecure-bitchy-voice MIGHT say  to myself.. “Wow, she must have a lot of time on her hands!”
OKAY !! before you get mad- Fly Looking Mommas – the GIANT-non-judgemental -good-voice- says “stop judging Scrappie Momma,  her flyness is not a personal attack on YOUR deodorant shower”  Seriously,  I have mad respect for Fly Looking Mommas, I may be sizing you up for fashion advice because it’s truly a hit or miss for me. I do realize the importance of self-care and feeling good about myself from the internal to the external and that is truly different for every individual, so NO Judgements!!. I’m just being honest and human about the voices in my head. I’m not crazy, I have been tested and I am properly medicated.

I weave in and out of my obscurity and promotion when it comes to blogging, again from my PTCS and insecurity and even more so when the topic is on straight-up-serious-motherhood stuff.   I KNOW how incredibly harsh I rate and criticize myself, I am not sure I am ready for anyone else to do it, so I do kind of revel in my ambiguity because even good attention, scares the flipping shit out of me.   However I do want to impact other moms in sharing my stories in an effort to help them know it’s ok to be vulnerable and unique in your Momness.

I have a twitter account and I decided to test my 140 characters of Momisms and quirky sense of humor.  I tweet and search hashtags as I’m tweeting and I typed in #Mom and #”mommittment” came up, and I thought “What a cool hashtag!”, not really knowing what it “meant” or that it was a movement created by @nextlifenokids on twitter (or @Mommitment duh!!),  Leave it to Scrappie Momma to literally scrap my way into a hashtag!!  I tweeted about 10 or 15 tweets with this hashtag attached to it, mostly quips of streaming-voices-in-head-humor about mom-shenanigans.

@nextlifenokids, messaged me on twitter and graciously explained the  hashtag because there were a lot new moms following and she wanted to make sure she was sending the correct message via #mommitment.  (link to change.org Mommitment petition at bottom of page!!).  She also tweeted and asked me to write a blog after realizing I was a blogger!  In essence, Mommitment is a commitment from all Moms to other Moms to end the Mommy Wars.  (read the entire definition on the petition and sign!)

I think any mom or parent could write an Encyclopedia Britanica on the storm of emotions that broil inside us simply from being a parent. It’s not as simple as waking up and taking care of your child, or sleeping with one eye open, which is how I slept as soon as I have kids to this very day.   Honestly, I am not sure I could even put those “emotions” into any type of simple or completely understandable context.  What I do know, is that the “Mommy Wars” or discontent and strife between different parenting styles , is all rooted from the same place.  The varying levels of emotions parents feel in knowing that even if they do every single effing thing to protect their child from the atrocities of this sometimes, cruel world,  it may not be enough to protect them. So when a Mom flips her shit in a comments section on a Huff Po blog, She’s just scared and it’s not worth proving my momness in a flip-shitting-war over wearing yoga pants to vaccination appointments. 😨 (that’s kind of an exaggeration of various mom duels…:)) It’s more important to spend time and energy through supportive dialogue.

For example, when I was in the “health and fitness” industry, I was privy to a lot of very healthy moms and their blogs and opinions on what we should be feeding OUR kids.  At some point, I was freaking the eff out on what I was feeding my kids.  As a person with (diagnosed by a doctor) ADHD, going to the grocery store was difficult enough, therefore, going to the grocery store with an arsenal of 5000000 Pinterest pictures of what healthy moms make for their kiddos tattooed into my brain, was enough to drive me bat shit crazy.

I was angry, with everyone.  Why? because I was terrified.  What if the foods I am feeding my children is festering some scary crazy pesticidAL -GMO’d-alien inside my BABIES and WHOSE fault is this apocalyptic child snack nightmare?  MINE?  Pinterest?  the Grocery store ?  Farmers?  my lack of farmland to grow my own food?  I got lost in this cyclical panic of fear until I realized that as long as I was doing the BEST I COULD based on my resources and I needed to turn the scary voices off.

The scary insecurities that roar out of me or any Mom as judgement is truly from pushing down fear, inadequacy, comparison, and “shit !what If I am doing THIS WRONG?” Maybe it is the fact that I never got the manual and I was all like “Maternity Nurse People, this manual says 0-6 months? Where is the rest of the manual????”

Just today as I was blogging this post, another mom asked me:

“What are you writing?”
Me ” a blog on mommitment” and I explained the premise and source.
silence
click. clickity clack. click. tippy tap. (me typing )
Mom ” Do you get paid? ”
Me ” No” and I gibber this long-winded justification of all the
failed part-time Jobs and my busy working husband thesis…….
….and then stopped and said
” I just love to write!”
Mom : ” You could get sponsors”
Me: “Right now I’m satisfied with my mom duties, writing my blog and book”

…And then we both started laughing because we couldn’t stop making each other yawn.

Old bitchy me would have been pissed because I felt soooo judged because she didn’t say “OMG YOU ARE SO FREAKING AMAZING! WOW YOU ARE MY HERO FOR BLOGGING ABOUT MOMS FOR FREE” and jumped up and down with joy. New calm-voices-in head me, welcomed the questions and answers and truly felt like she was just interested in what another Mom was doing while sitting on the dance mom sofa.

For me “mommitment” is all Moms wanting our kids to be “ok”,
not perfect
not bullied
not bullying
away from danger
safe, loved and nurtured.

As moms, if we a feel that we might be doing anything less than perfect and we are “challenged ” by some other mom …the claws come out. I know I’m sensitive to it, but my nails are always broken so I have to channel-my-Victor Newman-middle-brow-wrinkle-scowl into a sympathetic Mom-nod-of-understanding!

Sign the Petition , it takes 10 seconds or less!!

http://www.change.org/p/moms-make-a-mommitment

A Pharmaceutical Haiku:

As I drive thru for pick-up,
I swiftly reach toward
the tunnel of meds
I place my grasp on a
crinkly-gleaming white bag of scripts

“Express pay please” I say, smiling with giddiness ….

I bathe in the knowledge,
Co-insurance hasn’t dawned it’s doom,
a fire-breathing-loophole-face-
palmed-mascara-smeared
wack-a-mole-of-automated-phone
services

yet.

I continue to grin,
to the musical snapping sound,
…A Pharmacist-tech staples,
100-gazillion-thousand page thesis
in teeny tiny fine
squint worthy print

Possible side effects:

-death by break-dancing
-instantaneous limb severance
-morphing into a unicorn centaur
-sudden urges to burp or burpee

I look into the prescription goody bag
Alas!
A bedding of crisp Saffroned zoloft,
Infused with a Crackle of Buspar,
finished with a soussant of Wellbutrin.

The pharmacist tech glances down,
furrows her brow a bit,
discreetly,
waves her boss over….

The phone intercom beeps loudly!
our eyes meet,
the Pharmacist bellows out
a stern caveat-warning in
cacophony
of
static ….

“Make sure you don’t spill any – it’s a federally controlled substance and you cannot get a refill until it’s time…”

..he stared at me
glasses on the bridge of his nose
“Ah yes!”
as I absorb the subtext,

“NOT for any Momtocktails”

……..or he knows I’m incredibly clumsy.

Mr. pharmacist,
I got you.
Momma knows the drill.

Full disclosure:
The federally controlled substance is not for me , it’s for a family member. For those or receive updates on my blog, and know me, I am not drinking or utilizing any controlled substances. I am just taking a incredibly , painful stab at poetry..After careful review and many attempts, I think I’m going to stick to blogging and my book.

I should have learned from my feeble attempt at understanding poetry. My 3rd grade teacher asked us to write and summarize the words to a famous poet from 18th/19th century and I choose Whodini’s – Five Minutes of Funk.
Man, I love that song.

Recently my husband and I watched “The Theory of Everything” *( this blog isn’t about the movie, but there is a quote in there that resonated with me with regards to the word – ambitious. or driven. or successful. )

In the movie,  a character is having a conversation with Stephen Hawking and he quietly states, “I am not really ambitious”.  (no spoiler alerts)  Regardless of the fact that British Accents always sound bloody ambitious to me, I thought about that actual statement for quite some time after the movie (and the movie itself, because if it doesn’t stay with you for a bit, you are dead inside).

This character was a sweet , caring, loving individual and made his own contributions to society; irregardless of the societal definition of ambition. It is an internal battle for me as a -stay at home mom, as fulfillment of domestic duties are not associated with success, unless the domestic person is juggling a “successful” career in adjunct to the proverbial tasks of daily domestic labor.

Be more.
Eat better
Exercise more.
Sacrifice more.
Give more.
Buy my product and you will be MORE.
Sell more.
Do more with Less.
Win more.
Schedule more.
Make your children do more.
Make your children do more
with less

Cotton-Grammit. Head Explosion !

This is only a fraction of the message that is being constantly pulsated into our brains with lightening speed via our “out dated” six month old smart phones. Every technology item we purchase is “less of more” , five minutes after we walk out of the store. It makes my Rolodex-information-absorbing-brain throb like bee stung skin and it makes me miss my neon cord-forever girl, phone – I could walk outside and like do shit , with a cord!!

I worked for Corporate America for ten years then subsequently, spent countless hours trying to master part-time incomes that didn’t net a lost profit while raising kids. From these experiences, I learned –
Be thankful for how much you’ve LEARNED, celebrate WHO you have and WHO you are – at this very moment or you will ALWAYS chase “more” with reckless abandonment.

…..And you may acquire the Victor Newman middle-brow-wrinkle-scowl.

I am utterly exhausted from beating myself up for not wanting to be the societal definiton of ambitious.   A  “leader of leaders”,  a DKNY power-suited-boss-woman with stacked heels and Burberry glasses trying to break the glass ceiling.  ( I am sure I am ‘off the mark’ on today’s’ Corporate fashions). I am advocate to improve upon that which makes us a more responsible productive member of society. At the same time, I thrive and value life so much more when I incorporate acceptance into the equation, every, single, day.

Often acceptance is confused with settling or complacency, and contentment with idleness; while success and ambition are associated with self-worth and value. Have you ever been around a person who never stops talking about what they are not “doing”?. (me. somedays , ask my husband ..it’s exhausting for him too). I have made strides in being content with the here and now and I work on the gift of contentment and acceptance , daily.

Have you ever clicked on social media to find a stream of ab-encrusted Mommies planking on a trampoline guard rail, holding three babies, while
podcasting her 60- point-take-away-success-story captioned “What’s your scuse’ bishes? ” (yes. I embellished. Since when is NOT having a 15 pack ab sack and a cellulite less bootie – an ‘scuse’?)

Thanks to society’s relentless equation of “bangin’ bodies = successful, ‘scuse-less’ ,’bitchin’ glass ceiling smashin’ beach babes, I am a tad bit obessed on the matter. I had a therapist make me tear up all my fitness magazines in a session , it was quite theraputic, I highly reccomend this activity.
*I don’t know why I am excessively using air quotes and slang, I apologize to all the grammar experts in advance.

Nonetheless, I associated “lack of ambition” with lazy. I am far from lazy. I have a pretty hefty case of ADD, or ADHD or my hyper-focused-rolo
dex-multi-faceted-thoughts-of-mayhem. I have 50 post notes on any given surface on any given day and at least 15 alarms and reminders on my “outdated smart phone” (outdated because it’s only a year old!!???) I remind myself to disallow ADHD as a crutch or an excuse. It sparks amazing creativity , sensitivity and an ability to see and absorb the world in the most unique way.

Yesterday, I told my daughter I couldn’t go outside and play on a gorgeous day because “I had too much to do, honey”.
I regret that comment and I wish I had just “shut-off” the “BE MORE” voices and went outside with my baby girl.
Thankfully , today is splendiferous and although we have a doctor’s appointment for her possible allergic reaction to to the outdoor rain storm of pollen (a little catch -22 :)) , I will simply be more present with my children today.

Here is my version of ambition and splendiferous because it’s such a fabulous word:

Listen more
Breath deeply
Hear the sounds
Smell the breeze
Eat from hunger
Enjoy your food
Practice self-care
Give because you want too
Take in the surroundings
Remove the garbage
Compete with yourself
Follow your passion
Do what feels right and healthy
See the beauty
Do less of what robs your soul
Do more of what feeds your soul
Replace comparison with gratitude

and

Say splendiferous 50 x in a row :)

mom poem text

Posted: February 25, 2015 in mommy, moms
Tags:

One of my closest mom friends sent me one of those “your the best mom and I love you- please forward to 9 moms ..”

so o sent her my on the-fly-made-up-poem, just to switch it up a bit.

Roses r red
Violet r blue
No school today
Which is crazy boo
the roads are bare
My kids are INSANE
I try to not care
because my poems are lame
you are the best MOM I KNOW
you love so much
YOU gave them snow
and took them sledding
even though it was a just a lil snow
I admire your strength
I admire your candor
nothing rhymes  strength
dammit. same with candor
I love our jokes about carbs
and our ability to be real. yo
you never come at me with barbs
you are the truest mom I know (yo)
you are funny, loving & kind
and you run to elevate your behind
I wish you loved next door
so we could pin items on pintrest
to which we all equally ignore
Don’t ever compare yourself
to society’s definition of ‘super mom’
I look to you for advice & support
and your  talks always keep me calm
I love u!

I am both relieved and saddened that I have more energy when I am not exercising as if I’m in  the Cross Fit Reebox commercial. As much as I have that badassery  within the tire-flippin’ part of my brain, I have to quiet the competitive  need to burn as many calories as everyone I see on Facebook. Or Run  as many miles.
Or plank as many minutes .
Or break my gammies antique stools. from trying to do Yoga Handstands.
or bake as many super  food power protein Chia seeded coconut ed non GMO cheese it free pancakes.

Moderation comes as easy to me as social boundaries come to Kayne  West. I never learned moderation and I only knew how to live within the extreme manifests of my soul. I was only living when I was burning all 60 wicks of the candle.

Now,  I am most at peace with my soul , when I find fulfillment in the concept of “I am Enough”.  This concept is NOT to be confused with stagnation and complacency, it only means that I can feel more peace by striving for less competition between me and who?,

The younger  version of myself?
The Career  mom?
The Organic mom?
The perfect chocolate chip cookie mom?
The Intellectual mom?
The Mom who isn’t scared of 50 shades of Grey?

No, I am NOT labeling  other moms,  I am labeling what I PERCEIVE  myself to be in my doe-eyed quest for that healthy recipe with the perfect flu fighting antioxidants….

my quest to feel whole.
my quest to scream “I HAVE A JOB!!!”
my quest to fight  against the proverbial chameleon  mold-fitting  stereotype of jello molded suburbia.
my quest to not feel like I’m schizophrenic – ally split  between mom. wife. friend. sister. daughter. mean mom. nice mom. inconsistent mom. messy mom. clean mom.

That’s all.

I’m going to try and “blurp” 3x a week, without giving an “eff” about grammar..verb agreement. & opinions. word count. and just “write”.

If Facebook were woman TEXTING

1) did u see at that lump pic text? SHOULD I SEE A DR?

2) My meal is FANTASTIC, see!! steak-crab-cake-flamin-fusion with a lime-mint-jollyrancher blueberry-choclate-acai-gogi Berry-TINI. It’s FULL of antioxidants.

3)HI! I ATE A PIECE OF KALE! It tasted like a Carmel MACCHIATO, & I LOST 3 LBS & ran 16 miles.

4) IM SO BLOATED. IM GOING to my Zumbatasticstrength CROSSFITish GymACROBATIX..YOGAPILATESWIM class. YOU know when  PINK flies through the air ON ROPES and shit. We do all that while in water so it’s easy on the knees and an AMAZING core workout.

5) I ATE half a bag of chips but they were NOT GMO  modified so it doesn’t count as calories. Did YOU GET THE 56 EMAILs on GMO I TEXTED YOU directly FROM OPRAH.

6) I TEXTED YOU 670 pics of Golden GLOBE FASHION DISASTERS. AND never heard from you. I’m very upset and Journaling.

7) passive agressive cryptic story. sigh. “”What SHOULD I DO???

8) DO YOU LIKE THESE JEANS I FOUND AT FOREVER21 with CUT HOLES in the THIGH & HIP area and strategically placed holes in the knees.

9) WHY HAVE not YOU JOINED THIS MOVEMENT TO END injustices OF OUR WORLD? I sent you 678000866 evites!!!

10) I DECIDED TO GIVE PINTREST A STAB and craft, decorate and practice zen stuff. I have pinned 678, 000,000 tp my 6000 boards. LET”S DO THIS PINTREST 2015

11) I hate Pintrest.

I feel like my brain is in this perpetual world of trying to find myself. A writer?  A blogger?  A stream of conscious writer-murderer?  A compound-sentence destroyer?  A mother? A wife? A sister?  A daughter?   A maid?  A laundry avoid-er?* A celebrity factoid expert? A closet wanna-be-back-up dancer for Missy Elliot? A Nae Nae-dance-you-tube-watcher?

I know it’s all about balance , but the internet and “advice columns” and the such, make you feel like their is something wrong with you if your not chasing success driven opportunities like a thirteen year old chasing down the band members of One Direction.  We all can’t be elite or at the top of our game all day, everyday; yet society will not let you get away at thinking this simple thought even for a second.

For me, success  is doing something everyday to help people feel better about themselves  through my writing and  daily interactions. (even if it’s a tiny act of kindness) ..  And maybe try to knock out the ‘Nae Nae’ from time to time when I finally do get around to folding and putting away laundry.  Above all, I absolutely chase a sense of inner peace completely absent of anxiety,  more than I chase society’s definition of success. True serenity crashes  against the grain of  today’s modern woman.  Therefore, there is this perpetual tug of war in my brain “to get it all done, SON” and “Its OK to hit the wrinkle shield button several times”

Through my daily readings/ interactions and even from myself, I find one common theme, especially with woman.  We are failing at something. ( our weight, our bodies, our career, our marriage, our life , our eating habits)  or they are working so hard to keep it all together and stay fifty steps ahead of everyone else that they do not seem to have time to enjoy life or a bowl of ice cream without feeling guilty because they have ingested  “empty calories”. – (Whoever came up with the term ’empty calories???’)

I find that when there is insurmountable pressure to be the best or act our best 100% of the time, this carves the way for some very dark, lonely days with the shades drawn like a vampire, eating ice cream and feeling guilty because you did not choose the bowl of  undressed super food kale. (I had a lady verbally give me the recipe for an OIL FREE dressing that she puts on her Kale , I was like WHAT IS THE POINT?, but I smiled and nodded because I know all to well the feeling of trying to stay inside the rigid guidelines of what a 43 woman should or should not enjoy for food  on a daily basis.)

In this journey of trying to find MYSELF, my purpose in life, I have decided that my two  goals in writing especially, is to   1) make people LAUGH  2) inspire people to feel enough with who they are at the core (this does not mean “never change”, this means inspire people to accept their strengths and their flaws and make changes to improve their overall mental and physical health as THEY HAVE decided, not decided by society).

Lists of 5 or 10 things do well in the blogging sphere because it helps center people on certain topics that they can relate too individually or pull them together in commonality.   Without further ado, Here are ten funny “things” that have happened lately to invoke laughter  and inspire you to be yourself, laugh at yourself and not beat yourself up for making mistakes or being less than perfect:

My husband and I went to NYC with some friends. It was awesome (I would write a travel blog on my adventures, but (a) I do not do well at loading pictures( b) I am not a travel blogger, and you would be asleep by now). …BUT I do like to tell funny stories about traveling so my first 6 funnies will be from this trip:

  1. I did not even blink or bat an eye in confusion when my friend suggested that we visit Alcatraz when we visited the Statue of Liberty.  And I have been to San Fran. So I should know that Alcatraz is not on the East Coast. I was like “OMG LET”S DO THAT!”
  2. It was in the mid 80s (end of September) and even though I checked the weather, I still brought coats, boots and heavy sparkly jeans.  I was hot. I made a hurried purchase at Express for cooler clothes, while the sales clerk sold me tons of stuff I did not need to stay cool for the next 24 hours, then I saw the look of “WTF ARE YOU DOING?” on my husband’s face and returned it all to the same sales clerk who was like “WTF ARE YOU DOING! YOU CRAZY TOURIST?”
  3. I love scones and I love NYC bakeries. Hell, I love bakeries.  I was on a 24/7 mission to eat a scone at every bakery we walked past daily.  And we walked a lot.
  4. I love Falafel.  I kept saying “OMG I have got to get some Falafel from one of the street food vendors.  But I was too full from eating scones every 35.5 seconds.  So I come home form NYC and buy everything to make Falafel.
  5. I bought so many baked goods at a bakery that the New Yorker behind me asked if I was going on a picnic.
  6. I HAD to go running in Central Park just to say “I ran in Central Park!”.  Even though my feet hurt and  it felt like Georgia and I can run in the hot humid sun anytime I want in Georgia, I just had to go running in Central park. I barely made one mile and I was like “WTF ARE WE DOING?                      —————————————————————-Since I have been back from New York, here are funny mishaps:
  7. I left my journal at a pizza joint this week OVERNIGHT before I remembered the next day.  I literally said (when I called to see if it was there) “I hope you guys didn’t sit around reading it.”  Like I am a celebrity or something.
  8. Our orthodontics payment came out as “cash withdrawal” in a far away land and I PANICKED , and most certainly tried to convince the bank operator that someone was siphoning money from our account before she asked “Is there  someone in your house who may have braces?”   ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.   Ok.
  9. I find that when I separate laundry, my categories have changed from the generic, lights, whites and other colors to “extremely smelly and dirty,”to “kind of dirty and smelly too”, “yes indeed, this pile can wait another week”
  10. When I get irritated, frustrated the song “Momma said Knock you Out” (LL COOL J)  pops into my head and I am instantly calmed.  I just hope the Dali Lama approves of this mediation tactic.

Bonus.  I have the windows open and the air conditioning on and our downstairs closet door will not close because it’s full of flip flops and closed-toed-shoes.  October is a confusing month.

 

 

 

*   (apparently I had to make up the word avoid-er ecause the proper noun for a person who avoids things does not exist? or does it?  I googl-ed “noun for avoiding things” and I broke Google. I guess googl-ed is not a word either.  Maybe I should work for Websters and help beam new words from the annals of crazy suburban blogging into being.