Support and compassion is the antidote for comparison and judgement.
We can not point blame in the Mommy Wars, because the blame game is a collateral caveat of the phenomenon itself. Truth be told, if I see a well dress Mom, with perfect hair, gorgeous outfit , amazing accessories and ‘hawt’ stacked heels – my small-insecure-bitchy-voice MIGHT say to myself.. “Wow, she must have a lot of time on her hands!”
The GIANT-non-judgmental-good-voice- says “stop judging!!”. Her appearance is not a personal attack on my deodorant shower and Old Navy Jean shorts. I may be sizing you up for fashion advice because it’s truly a hit or miss for me. I do realize the importance of self-care and feeling good about ourselves is that is truly different for every individual, so NO Judgements!!. I’m just being honest and human about the voices in my head. I’m not crazy, I have been tested and I am properly medicated.
I weave in and out of my obscurity and promotion when it comes to blogging, because of harshly I judge MYSELF. I am not sure I am ready for anyone else to do it, so I do kind of revel in my ambiguity because even good attention, scares me. However I do want to impact other moms in sharing my stories in an effort to help them know it’s okay to be vulnerable and unique in your own parenting style.
I think any mom or parent could write an Encyclopedia Britannica on the storm of emotions that broil inside us simply from being a parent. It’s not as simple as waking up and taking care of your child, or sleeping with one eye open, or getting them on a ‘schedule.’ The only person that is on a relative schedule right now, is our 3 month old puppy, and that’s a stretch. (Well my kids are in school..so that helps ..).
The “Mommy Wars” or discontent and strife between different parenting styles , is all rooted from the same place. The varying levels of emotions parents in trying to protect their child from the atrocities of this ever changing world, where tragedy appears in your “news feed”, every. single. day. When I see it I ask myself “am I DOING THIS CORRECTLY????, what if I am making grave mistakes and harming my children inadvertently??”.. So when a Mom flips her shit in a comments section on a Huff Po blog, She’s just scared she may not be “doing it right” either. Hurt and Scared People, tend to try and Hurt and Scare other people.
For example, when I was in the “health and fitness” industry, I was privy to a lot of very healthy moms and their blogs and opinions on what we should be feeding OUR kids. At some point, I was out on what I was feeding my kids. As a person with (diagnosed by an actual doctor) with ADHD, going to the grocery store was difficult enough, therefore, going to the grocery store with an arsenal of 5000000 Pinterest pictures of what healthy moms make for their kiddos tattooed into my brain, was enough to drive me bat shit crazy.
I was angry, with everyone. Why? because I was terrified. What if the foods I am feeding my children is festering some scary crazy pesticidAL -GMO’d-alien inside my BABIES and WHOSE fault is this apocalyptic child snack nightmare? MINE? Pinterest? the Grocery store ? Farmers? my lack of farmland to grow my own food? I got lost in this cyclical panic of fear until I realized that as long as I was doing the BEST I COULD based on my resources and I needed to turn the scary voices off.
The scary insecurities that roar out of me or any Mom as judgement is truly from pushing down fear, inadequacy, comparison, and “shit !what If I am doing THIS WRONG?” Maybe it is the fact that I never got the manual and I was all like “Maternity Nurse People, this manual says 0-6 months? Where is the rest of the manual????”
Just today as I was blogging this post, another mom asked me:
“What are you writing?”
Me ” a blog on mommitment” and I explained the premise and source.
click. clickity clack. click. tippy tap. (me typing )
Mom ” Do you get paid? ”
Me ” No” and I gibber this long-winded justification of all the
failed part-time Jobs and my busy working husband thesis…….
….and then stopped and said
” I just love to write!”
Mom : ” You could get sponsors”
Me: “Right now I’m satisfied with my mom duties, writing my blog and book”
…And then we both started laughing because we couldn’t stop making each other yawn.
Old bitchy me would have been pissed because I felt soooo judged because she didn’t say “OMG YOU ARE SO FREAKING AMAZING! WOW YOU ARE MY HERO FOR BLOGGING ABOUT MOMS FOR FREE” and jumped up and down with joy. New calm-voices-in head me, welcomed the questions and answers and truly felt like she was just interested in what another Mom was doing while sitting on the dance mom sofa.
For me “mommitment” is all Moms wanting our kids to be “ok”,
away from danger
safe, loved and nurtured.
As moms, if we a feel that we might be doing anything less than perfect and we are “challenged ” by some other mom …the claws come out. I know I’m sensitive to it, but my nails are always broken so I have to channel-my-Victor Newman-middle-brow-wrinkle-scowl into a sympathetic Mom-nod-of-understanding!
Click the picture to find out more about mommitment!