Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Emails to teach:

Posted: December 19, 2014 in humor
Tags: , ,

“— is sick. still hasn’t eaten today. No fever as of this morning but just waiting to see if tomorrow is a possibility. She did get a flu shot this fall..so I’m hoping for the best
I’m emailing all of you bc is she misses school she will miss chorus and school class party and I was also scheduled to volunteer.
I’ll let everyone know by tonight/early morning”

“—– did have his reading log done last week but erased the first block to re write and I didn’t realize he waited a week to pass back in again. He said he would be a zero is there any possible way for him to get seem credit bc he had 75% of it completed as required last week?”

Insert melodramatic closing:

Due to the fact that it’s all about my children and I’m obviously unaware of the 23 other students you and their insane parents you have to deal with daily. I did write nice Christmas cards and delivered small gifts of appreciation as instructed by Huffington Post Parents.

I feel like I should add this is a satirical poke at MYSELF because from the comments section on The Onion , The Oatmeal and Huffington Post in general, people of the inter-webs are
a) extraordinarily cranky and pissed off about EVERYTHING or b) have no earthly understanding of dry humor or satire.

You’re welcome.

My addled brain:

  • I love getting updates about Ghostface Killah on my phone. It makes me feel so connected to my homies in the quaint fishing town in coastal Maine.
  • Christmas card address file is a dangerously dysfunctional Matrix of labels:
    oldchristm1-7.
    jackedupformattedones
    wtfarethesedupes?
    blankmartha
  • I love how I arbitrarily ¬† yell “FIVE MORE MINUTES” throughout the house because I don’t have a clue as to what ¬†happens in 5 minutes.
  • Passive aggressive vagueness cryptic post. if you care , you must share or Shelfie Elfie will make you watch Saving Christmas while eating kale nuggets and Blitzen will get the flu.
  • The bass beside me was so loud, I thought ¬†def jam aliens had descended upon earth.
  • My daughter exacted karma on my head by aggressively showing me how I brush her hair in the mornings. I’m glad my kids understand the concept of “do unto others…ůĺĆĶůĺĆ≤
  • “The freaking Elf hasn’t moved because she’s paralyzed by the stress of appearing perfectly put-together for the holidays, I think she needs a time out. at Passages. in Malibu.”
  • Kohls , why do you taunt me so with your 789,000 billions of disproportionate, your mad stacks of cash and your¬†familial care-free post cards?>
  • I am not a Ma’Am, wait, maybe I am. Carry on youth, while I cry my wrinkles into my coffee””

Oh it’s that time.¬† the Holiday Hoedowns.¬† Secret Santa Elephant Tree Recycle Gala. ¬† The” WHEN DID I SIGN UP TO DO THIS?”¬† The, “Should I even try to add WHOLE wheat flour to the Christmas baking again so I can be rejected by my family and end up sobbing with a bag of cookies in the corner?” The “WHY AM I BAKING?¬† because the kitchen looks like an episode of the ‘Blindfolded Chef searches for a Bachelor who can cook”

Due to my ADHD-OCD¬† tinged with the incessant need to plan, pre-plan , over-plan, cancel plans –¬† juxtaposed with my spontaneous and carefree nature,¬†¬† all recorded in hand- written calendarS, glitter adorned journals, smart-phone-gratitude -app-journals, sticky-note-hoarding-piles and this gem:

What was that phrase someone EMBLAZONED ON A GIANT PILLOW FOR ME¬† “Keep it…Keep it…oh darn, what was it¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† (simple.)

November 20th¬† I volunteered to help out with a science experiment at my son’s school. I¬† failed all lab experiments in College so I should be a beneficial asset. .. Maybe driving around listening to Journey and Rob Base in my friend’s car with the really LOUD speaker system, during lab, wasn’t the best use of my collegiate time.

November 21st¬† the 56790th orthodontist appointment this month.¬† My son’s expander fell out of his mouth. He denies any starburst consumption as the cause.¬† (‘Da Dun’ SVU music playing..)

November 22nd Nutcracker practice.  I ignored all emails from Dance Director because I assumed  vicariously living through my children through  Hip Hop Dance Class would translate into non-Nutcracker performances because  If it were my Dance Studio, I would do the whole Run DMC Christmas in Hollis Queens Dance Recital, yet maybe why I do not own a Dance Studio. #bizloandenied. Seriously, I am excited for them to be apart of The Nutcracker, sometimes the facetious nature of pointing out my idiosyncrasies, sounds way too sarcastic and flip.

November 23rd, same thing as above but I also have written “Truck $4382648732649873687264¬† payment”,hmmm, what could that mean?

Week November 24, my husband informed me we would be leaving for his Mee Maw and Pee Paws EARLY this vacation week because ‘I needs to get to cookin’.’¬†¬†¬† No I’m just kidding, he did not say this 1950s , stereotypically Southern phrase.¬† He did say we were leaving early, I missed the rest of what he said because the previews for ‘Mocking-JAY-part-1-of-56-HungerGames-omg-jlaw-is-literally-so00000amazing‘¬† was on the television.

  • Additionally, TAKE beautiful candid pictures next to cool barns and pastures, in hipster outfits with our Soap Opera messy-gelled- straight-curly with feathery wisps – gently cascading in the wind and ostensibly, in front of our face, but not –¬† “OMG-PLEASE-GET-YOUR-HAIR-OUT-OF-YOUR-FACE-FOR-THE-PICTURE!!!” — for Christmas cards.¬† Or see what the Kardashians cooked up this year and try to imitate that Goth masterpiece.¬†¬† I love how my computer tries to spell check Kardashian to Guardianship.

December 3rd some kind of appointment for some child in my house AND I signed up to be a Secret Santa helper on the same day on purpose for some reason.¬† I think I actually wrote “intentional” on my calendar.

December 4th, a bunch of automatic payments are coming out of our account because it’s all red and highlighty on my calendar, wait I thought all payments were frozen to boost Holidays sales because that is the primary purpose of the season, cash-money.

December 5th  USA?  what does that mean? or USAA? ok, o think we owe them something monthly, maybe that thing that protects us from being sued if we drive horrendously in parking lots.

December 6th¬† Dress rehearsal for the Nutcracker AND My daughters chorus concert…rest Assured, I have emailed all affected Directors and¬† thoroughly explained my scheduling plight in grave detail, because essentially, all of these concerts and recitals are ABOUT ME and ONLY ME and collaterally pertains to the scheduling of my family.

December 7th. The NutCracker.¬† It’s gonna be Crunk.

December 8th “alkajdfp987349823″ I can’t read my handwriting. I think it’s someone’s birthday. Oh Snap, my sisters birthday is the 6th. and the 16th.¬† and the 12 and maybe the 8th.¬† I have 3 sisters, so . carry the 1 and…. Usually I just send them their birthday cards when I send the Christmas cards which are all late. It’s the thought that counts.

December 11th.¬† Help a teacher out.¬† Bring in Kale/Quinoa/gluten–dye-soy-dairy-air free Holiday PinTree-cakes drizzled with wheat grass infused compote.

December 13th an appointment on a Saturday?  WHO IS THE KEEPER OF THIS CALENDAR?

December 14th.  34500000 sticky notes on the fridge on how I really need to get shopping and wrapping. wrapped up.

I also bookmarked some article in Huffington Post titled “The disease of being over scheduled?”¬† Maybe I will read that in between unknown doctors appointment and Secret Santa on December 3rd.¬†¬† Happy Holidays¬† (Which, as a phrase, is a hot-trending-topic right now on Social Media, get the popcorn out…..¬† )

 

The inspiration from this blog is from Baby Sideburns most recent blog https://www.facebook.com/BabySideburns. She’s a brave soul, I think of her as the Joan Rivers of Momhood.¬† She says what a lot of people are thinking but too afraid to say out loud, including myself.¬† I applaud her bravery and b^%$ack.

It does seem like a monsoon¬† of Lily Pulitzer photo shoots and families who cut sugar out of their diets as a way to protect their children from this cocaine like substance* on the internet in general (not just social media) .¬† When I start to compare and question, I turn to writing and humor. It helps.¬† Here is my ‘tell all’ of the week to allow people to breath and bond with those of us who still feel like we are trying to find ourselves in a myriad of sculpted gym-selfies and Moms holding their quintuplets over their heads like barbells while making gluten-soy-dairy-ingredient-free-granola bars by using their actual washboard abs as washboards to wash the steel-cut oats and cutting the oats with their triceps-of-steel muscles. ALL WHILE using the low-glycemic-core-burning-vegan-paleo-raw molasses they collected from the Organic farm 500 miles away THAT THEY collected on their bike with their babies behind them in BOB Bike-chariots.**

( My son’s language art teacher should use this paragraph as an example of a reedunklous-compound-delcarative-sarcastic sentence!!! or imperative?)

1). In the show The Goldbergs, Murray, the father figure comes home and takes off his pants as soon as he walks in the door. ¬† I do this with my bra, pretty much anytime I am in the house.¬† If “company” arrives, I have headlight covers and if I can not find them, I use other things like band aids and right now at this very minute I have panty-liners on my boobs.¬†¬† I mean, what actually ‘counts’ as a brassiere?¬†¬† I’m blessed that the twins are less than average so I don’t have to worry about the panty-liners performing the service of preventing back pain. ( I know that’s not “their” service..I hope you get the point.)

2) My son is not sick and I used my ‘Mom-stinct” to keep him home from school based on mental health.¬† Gasp if you want too.¬† In fact, I JUST said “Hey kid, snatch me up one of dem Chobanis and bring it up to yo Momma”. I guess it’s better than asking him to get me a bottle of Mad-dog? Oh yes for all you “Bless her heart she’s a hot mess” commenters,,, He’s playing Minecraft too. Maybe even Call of Duty.¬† Get over it. (PS I had to get my own Chobani. Pray for me).

3) I re-wash laundry and dishes so I don’t have to “deal with it” right now.

4) I absolutely cannot fold and put away clothes if the floors or toilets are dirty. I don’t care about dust or even the counters…. It’s extremely bizarre. I am sure if you googled on WEBMD there would be a disorder for this type of behavior. Like the loophole in OCD? Maybe OCD for medicricity? OH yes, “MEDI-OCD-RITY DISORDER”¬†¬† = the ability to get some isht done while talking about¬† what you did not get done while referring to the isht you did get done on a daily basis.

5) Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly downtrodden, I become engulfed in blogs/articles about celebrities, who are not ‘nice people’ in real life. I read one about Justin Timberlake¬† and then I got really really sad and ‘let down’ as though I would expect him to be “down to earth” after ACTUALLY BRINGING SEXY BACK TO US! ¬†¬† As long as the Jimmyies (Fallon and Kimmel) stay cool, bro. I also just read a horrific article about Christopher Columbus. He¬† was not a nice person at all (according to this article) STOP. Do not Google. He’s dead. It’s already a holiday. Unless someone in government agrees to swap Columbus¬† Day out with Anderson Cooper Silver Fox day, I am not interested in fighting that fight. (in my book Anderson Cooper really should get the credit for bringing sexy back).

6) I like to drink a large carbonated beverage really fast to see how long and loud I can burp.¬† I am insanely jealous of people who can burp songs. Oh what I would do to be able to burp the lyrics to “Sexy Back.” or burp the news with Anderson Cooper.

7) I do not like Taylor Swift’s music.¬† I would rather listen to Glenn Beck predict the end of the world through a megaphone in my ear while I am trying to go to sleep.

8) Sometimes when I hear lyrics from rappers who talk about being able to “set a cup on dat bootie”, I am insanely jealous of¬†¬† this built-in convenience.¬† I could eat a entire bowl of cereal on my belly, standing-up while pregnant, and that was the best part of both my pregnancies.¬† I have no shame in saying, Peas in da Pod Maternity Shop did not ask me to model for them because of my incessant pregnancy glow and demeanor.¬† I waddled and ‘Swole up’ like a bad batch of botox.¬† My feet permanently grew 1/2 inch.

9) Some people say ADHD is a myth. It doesn’t exist. It’s a excuse for procrastination.¬† Oh my loves, you have not met me.¬† I have tried medicines. Not eating sugar. Not eating. Eating. Drinking =(which did help, but NOT a solution) Yoga. Roga. Moga. Loga. Lola. I have tried it all. Yes, certain things help with this part of my life, but I ABSOLUTELY do not use it as an excuse, I see it as a gift because it does spark creativity and maybe a way to help other people.¬† Although, my husband may see it as a minor annoyance when it’s like an episode of the Sixth Sense in the mornings with every cupboard is wide-open from here to kingdom come and back. I do not see dead people though. Well I see Columbus in a different light now after that article, but I digress.

10) Summer is my least favorite season. I am not a huge fan of “lounging by the pool”.¬† I would much rather be in a hammock, wrapped up in a blanket on a cloudy day reading Stephen Colbert’s “I am America and so can YOU” burping and drinking seltzer water flavored with Skinny Girl Acai Blueberry mix-in (non alcoholic). ¬† Oh and I don’t care for the term ‘Skinny Girl” but dayum, she made a good flavor thingy for waters!

Bonus:¬† The majority of spills, burn marks (before you judge, no it’s not cigarettes, I set the lizards’ heat lamp on the rug BEFORE the timer went off and forgot about it, until I smelled it three rooms away) and accidents on the carpet are from me running around sloshing my coffee every which way but in the cup AND I lose my coffee cup once a day, so there is usually 1 or 2 cups of 1/2 filled coffee cups anywhere at any given time.

*I am being facetious. For those who are new to my blog, I am mostly facetious. I do not think sugar is like cocaine but according to Katie Couric, it is like cocaine and Katie Couric is kind of the Vice President to Oprah so….

**(which by the way, we tried this, and neither my husband or I lasted a mile, kudos to those who run or bike with their babies in rickshaws)

 

Obscurity

Posted: September 19, 2014 in humor
Tags: ,

This statement¬† sums up a piece my personality as it applies to interpersonal relationships.¬† I am shocked when people like me and I am shocked when they do not like me.¬† Lately, I have been struggling with my “writing” career because quite honestly, people behind keyboards “trolling” to comment their “opinions” (opinions is an understatement, it’s more like a life time full of rage) seem to be on the rise lately. I put myself on a timer for Facebook because I get sucked into the comments section on various blogs etc and I’m saddened at how people are just oozing with a vitriol hate towards the author.

Nonetheless , here are some posts that never made it to my Facebook blog page because¬† 1)¬† its not very “viral” (Not sure if that’s the right word?) and doesn’t get much “attention”; therefore when I see “45 people saw your post” and zero people¬† like the post, it really chastises my codependent demons as in they stop hugging each other and start fighting with each other. I do not know what it is about Facebook, even Instagram for that matter, I am extremely affected by the whole “like” aspect. On Word Press, it does not bother me because I feel safe here and for the most part it seems as though we are a community trying to support one another versus tearing each other down from behind a keyboard!

 

I email myself my status updates that I do not post or screen shot the scheduled posts I deleted before they went live to my 310 “followers”.¬† Listed below are the posts that have succumbed to the misfortune of being exiled to the Island of Misfits:

  1. You now the humidity is fo realz when your magnets are permanently stuck to their hosts.  OR the homemade preschool magnets from 1903 should have been stored safely in the preschool memoirs box.
  2. The messy pony tail look is highly acceptable for this suburban mom, but poses high risk of inflated-control-anxiety issues when my 7 year old daughter implements the same rudimentary hair skills.
  3. Sometimes I think I like obscurity too much. WAIT?! Does that make me a superfly-young-hiptser where I can ostensibly wear egregious outfits that are ironically fabulous.
  4. My daily sentiments are sprinkled with facetious glitter and the heartwarming dysfunction of my demons flirting with each other (I did put this on instagram)
  5. ¬†My son understand math that I barely understoond when I was in college, but then when asked asked by his sister for help using the word “her” in a sentence, his response is “Her¬† Butt”. I swear he did not watch the VMA awards with Nikki and Beyonce.

That’s about all I have time for today in writing, I’m keeping my blogs shorter in an effort to spend more time writing my book, and quite frankly, I think people lose interest after about 500 words!

10 things I’m grateful for right now!

Posted: September 16, 2014 in humor
Tags: ,

I am trying to avoid Facebook because its just not a great place for me right now (wait? am I contradicting my title!! ?? wait for it…..
THE¬† one thing I have seen going around on Facebook which I think is pretty awesome (outside of “animals being jerks”, kids writing inappropriate essays by accident on diply.com and “smushy” baby faces)¬† is the “I am grateful” posts! Listed below are my 10 things I’m a grateful for right now:

1) Shelter
2) Food
3) Pintrest. I like it. I get good ideas and it’s not full of righteous condemnation or articles that link sugar consumption¬† to cocaine abuse or articles predicting the end if earth via genetically modified marshmallows.
4) My gratitude jar and the fact that the kids don’t quote “get it” and blurt out¬† “funny” responses to for its existence.
5) My kids doing their schoolwork. Yes! they complain,  but they are trying their best and that makes me happy.
6) My messy house. Yes,¬† I’m¬† still a little wide-eyed neurotic because there are Legos in my bed and bathroom but it means my children are still young and want me to hug them and give them smooshy kisses. I know this will change.
7) Forgiveness.
8) Spirituality
9) Coffee. I really do not care if people think it is “bad” for you. I’m over that reedunkulous debate. I like it and it’s a morning ritual for me that compliments my soul.
10) The license plate I saw yesterday with the word “ridqulus”. Seriously, I want one.

Perpetual Parenting Advice Givers or PPAG

Posted: September 5, 2014 in humor

Lately, a lot of blogs with the topic of “Unwanted Parenting Advice” (UPS) have popped up on my radar. My unsolicited gift of advice for “Perpetual Parenting Advice Givers” (PPAG) is as follows:

Unless your advice or “look of disdain” toward another parent, is TRULY rooted in a place of concern for the well-being of the child/parent, your unsolicited advice is a truly a reflection of YOUR character, not that of the parent or child.

 

Footnote? for my short blog:

I have like 67859 unfinished blogs , including on from today, I am either too long winded and verbose or too abrupt and vapid.¬† Twitter and Word Press make me want to put forks in my eyes.¬† Do writers ever find their “HAPPY PLACE?” or is it always this tortured abyss of a soul wrenching masterpiece, or my new favorite quote du jour is “a cyclical OCD ADHD projectile future apocalyptic vision of organized anarchy.”