Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

I’m a Selfish Mom, and I’m Okay With It.

 

sharing anotherblog hope I did this correctly?

obscurity

Posted: March 19, 2015 in humor

Five gazillion peeps haughtily  “viewing” a post on your  facebook page and silenting ignoring sheer brilliance is rejection cloaked in humility disguised as obscurity.

Insert some kind of amazing picture which illustrates this sentiment.

Furthermore,  I’m embellishing. I have a whopping 316 followers so, I guess it would be 5 million not gazillion.

Lessons From the Worst Day Of My Life

Posted: February 17, 2015 in humor

Laurie Free:

this blog touched my heart & soul. beautiful. poignant. honestly. it speaks for itself xo 💓💜💛💚

Originally posted on Drifting Through My Open Mind:

IMG_6876

“And I know it aches and your heart it breaks and you can only take so much….  Walk on.” -U2, Walk On

It was my wedding day.

I found myself standing outside the doors to the chapel. My heart was racing. Pressure began building inside and I felt my eyes fill up with tears.

I can’t do this.

Before I could turn and run, the doors were flung open. I was caught off guard as 80 expectant faces turned to look at me. I scanned the crowd….  I saw my family and friends…. I saw my Dad and Stepfather waiting in front of the alter to give me away.

But I was going to have to walk down the aisle alone.

And that’s not how it was supposed to be.

I don’t know how long I paused there. I felt like I couldn’t move.

Then my eyes found Joe. And…

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Parenting for the Rolodex Parent.

Posted: February 11, 2015 in humor

This title is all encompassing

Laurie Free:

loved this blog, spot on

Originally posted on The Span of My Hips:

I know, I know, it’s that time of year. The time the diet industry goes into overdrive, salivating over the guilt-ridden masses vowing to finally, finally make that change. Hire that trainer, start that diet. And, by the grace of god, be bikini-ready by May. (Here’s a secret: got a body? Like bikinis? Congrats! You’re bikini ready!)

So it’s no wonder that everywhere you turn you’re hearing about super foods, fallen super foods, new food trends, old food trends, food trends to watch out for. And, my favourite: 10 Leafy Greens Healthier Than Kale.

Kale is pretty darn healthy. It’s got boatloads of fibre, it’s got tons of nutrients, it’s got a surprising amount of protein per calorie, it’s got a high volume:low calorie ratio which helps fill you up if you’re seeking weight loss or maintenance. Yeah, maybe chicory’s got a few more per polyphenols (which do what…

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Emails to teach:

Posted: December 19, 2014 in humor
Tags: , ,

“— is sick. still hasn’t eaten today. No fever as of this morning but just waiting to see if tomorrow is a possibility. She did get a flu shot this fall..so I’m hoping for the best
I’m emailing all of you bc is she misses school she will miss chorus and school class party and I was also scheduled to volunteer.
I’ll let everyone know by tonight/early morning”

“—– did have his reading log done last week but erased the first block to re write and I didn’t realize he waited a week to pass back in again. He said he would be a zero is there any possible way for him to get seem credit bc he had 75% of it completed as required last week?”

Insert melodramatic closing:

Due to the fact that it’s all about my children and I’m obviously unaware of the 23 other students you and their insane parents you have to deal with daily. I did write nice Christmas cards and delivered small gifts of appreciation as instructed by Huffington Post Parents.

I feel like I should add this is a satirical poke at MYSELF because from the comments section on The Onion , The Oatmeal and Huffington Post in general, people of the inter-webs are
a) extraordinarily cranky and pissed off about EVERYTHING or b) have no earthly understanding of dry humor or satire.

You’re welcome.

My addled brain:

  • I love getting updates about Ghostface Killah on my phone. It makes me feel so connected to my homies in the quaint fishing town in coastal Maine.
  • Christmas card address file is a dangerously dysfunctional Matrix of labels:
    oldchristm1-7.
    jackedupformattedones
    wtfarethesedupes?
    blankmartha
  • I love how I arbitrarily   yell “FIVE MORE MINUTES” throughout the house because I don’t have a clue as to what  happens in 5 minutes.
  • Passive aggressive vagueness cryptic post. if you care , you must share or Shelfie Elfie will make you watch Saving Christmas while eating kale nuggets and Blitzen will get the flu.
  • The bass beside me was so loud, I thought  def jam aliens had descended upon earth.
  • My daughter exacted karma on my head by aggressively showing me how I brush her hair in the mornings. I’m glad my kids understand the concept of “do unto others…󾌵󾌲
  • “The freaking Elf hasn’t moved because she’s paralyzed by the stress of appearing perfectly put-together for the holidays, I think she needs a time out. at Passages. in Malibu.”
  • Kohls , why do you taunt me so with your 789,000 billions of disproportionate, your mad stacks of cash and your familial care-free post cards?>
  • I am not a Ma’Am, wait, maybe I am. Carry on youth, while I cry my wrinkles into my coffee””