Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

obscurity

Posted: March 19, 2015 in humor

Five gazillion peeps haughtily  “viewing” a post on your  facebook page and silenting ignoring sheer brilliance is rejection cloaked in humility disguised as obscurity.

Insert some kind of amazing picture which illustrates this sentiment.

Furthermore,  I’m embellishing. I have a whopping 316 followers so, I guess it would be 5 million not gazillion.

Lessons From the Worst Day Of My Life

Posted: February 17, 2015 in humor

Laurie Free:

this blog touched my heart & soul. beautiful. poignant. honestly. it speaks for itself xo 💓💜💛💚

Originally posted on Drifting Through My Open Mind:

IMG_6876

“And I know it aches and your heart it breaks and you can only take so much….  Walk on.” -U2, Walk On

It was my wedding day.

I found myself standing outside the doors to the chapel. My heart was racing. Pressure began building inside and I felt my eyes fill up with tears.

I can’t do this.

Before I could turn and run, the doors were flung open. I was caught off guard as 80 expectant faces turned to look at me. I scanned the crowd….  I saw my family and friends…. I saw my Dad and Stepfather waiting in front of the alter to give me away.

But I was going to have to walk down the aisle alone.

And that’s not how it was supposed to be.

I don’t know how long I paused there. I felt like I couldn’t move.

Then my eyes found Joe. And…

View original 1,863 more words

Parenting for the Rolodex Parent.

Posted: February 11, 2015 in humor

This title is all encompassing

Laurie Free:

loved this blog, spot on

Originally posted on The Span of My Hips:

I know, I know, it’s that time of year. The time the diet industry goes into overdrive, salivating over the guilt-ridden masses vowing to finally, finally make that change. Hire that trainer, start that diet. And, by the grace of god, be bikini-ready by May. (Here’s a secret: got a body? Like bikinis? Congrats! You’re bikini ready!)

So it’s no wonder that everywhere you turn you’re hearing about super foods, fallen super foods, new food trends, old food trends, food trends to watch out for. And, my favourite: 10 Leafy Greens Healthier Than Kale.

Kale is pretty darn healthy. It’s got boatloads of fibre, it’s got tons of nutrients, it’s got a surprising amount of protein per calorie, it’s got a high volume:low calorie ratio which helps fill you up if you’re seeking weight loss or maintenance. Yeah, maybe chicory’s got a few more per polyphenols (which do what…

View original 457 more words

Emails to teach:

Posted: December 19, 2014 in humor
Tags: , ,

“— is sick. still hasn’t eaten today. No fever as of this morning but just waiting to see if tomorrow is a possibility. She did get a flu shot this fall..so I’m hoping for the best
I’m emailing all of you bc is she misses school she will miss chorus and school class party and I was also scheduled to volunteer.
I’ll let everyone know by tonight/early morning”

“—– did have his reading log done last week but erased the first block to re write and I didn’t realize he waited a week to pass back in again. He said he would be a zero is there any possible way for him to get seem credit bc he had 75% of it completed as required last week?”

Insert melodramatic closing:

Due to the fact that it’s all about my children and I’m obviously unaware of the 23 other students you and their insane parents you have to deal with daily. I did write nice Christmas cards and delivered small gifts of appreciation as instructed by Huffington Post Parents.

I feel like I should add this is a satirical poke at MYSELF because from the comments section on The Onion , The Oatmeal and Huffington Post in general, people of the inter-webs are
a) extraordinarily cranky and pissed off about EVERYTHING or b) have no earthly understanding of dry humor or satire.

You’re welcome.

My addled brain:

  • I love getting updates about Ghostface Killah on my phone. It makes me feel so connected to my homies in the quaint fishing town in coastal Maine.
  • Christmas card address file is a dangerously dysfunctional Matrix of labels:
    oldchristm1-7.
    jackedupformattedones
    wtfarethesedupes?
    blankmartha
  • I love how I arbitrarily   yell “FIVE MORE MINUTES” throughout the house because I don’t have a clue as to what  happens in 5 minutes.
  • Passive aggressive vagueness cryptic post. if you care , you must share or Shelfie Elfie will make you watch Saving Christmas while eating kale nuggets and Blitzen will get the flu.
  • The bass beside me was so loud, I thought  def jam aliens had descended upon earth.
  • My daughter exacted karma on my head by aggressively showing me how I brush her hair in the mornings. I’m glad my kids understand the concept of “do unto others…󾌵󾌲
  • “The freaking Elf hasn’t moved because she’s paralyzed by the stress of appearing perfectly put-together for the holidays, I think she needs a time out. at Passages. in Malibu.”
  • Kohls , why do you taunt me so with your 789,000 billions of disproportionate, your mad stacks of cash and your familial care-free post cards?>
  • I am not a Ma’Am, wait, maybe I am. Carry on youth, while I cry my wrinkles into my coffee””

Oh it’s that time.  the Holiday Hoedowns.  Secret Santa Elephant Tree Recycle Gala.   The” WHEN DID I SIGN UP TO DO THIS?”  The, “Should I even try to add WHOLE wheat flour to the Christmas baking again so I can be rejected by my family and end up sobbing with a bag of cookies in the corner?” The “WHY AM I BAKING?  because the kitchen looks like an episode of the ‘Blindfolded Chef searches for a Bachelor who can cook”

Due to my ADHD-OCD  tinged with the incessant need to plan, pre-plan , over-plan, cancel plans –  juxtaposed with my spontaneous and carefree nature,   all recorded in hand- written calendarS, glitter adorned journals, smart-phone-gratitude -app-journals, sticky-note-hoarding-piles and this gem:

What was that phrase someone EMBLAZONED ON A GIANT PILLOW FOR ME  “Keep it…Keep it…oh darn, what was it                                               (simple.)

November 20th  I volunteered to help out with a science experiment at my son’s school. I  failed all lab experiments in College so I should be a beneficial asset. .. Maybe driving around listening to Journey and Rob Base in my friend’s car with the really LOUD speaker system, during lab, wasn’t the best use of my collegiate time.

November 21st  the 56790th orthodontist appointment this month.  My son’s expander fell out of his mouth. He denies any starburst consumption as the cause.  (‘Da Dun’ SVU music playing..)

November 22nd Nutcracker practice.  I ignored all emails from Dance Director because I assumed  vicariously living through my children through  Hip Hop Dance Class would translate into non-Nutcracker performances because  If it were my Dance Studio, I would do the whole Run DMC Christmas in Hollis Queens Dance Recital, yet maybe why I do not own a Dance Studio. #bizloandenied. Seriously, I am excited for them to be apart of The Nutcracker, sometimes the facetious nature of pointing out my idiosyncrasies, sounds way too sarcastic and flip.

November 23rd, same thing as above but I also have written “Truck $4382648732649873687264  payment”,hmmm, what could that mean?

Week November 24, my husband informed me we would be leaving for his Mee Maw and Pee Paws EARLY this vacation week because ‘I needs to get to cookin’.’    No I’m just kidding, he did not say this 1950s , stereotypically Southern phrase.  He did say we were leaving early, I missed the rest of what he said because the previews for ‘Mocking-JAY-part-1-of-56-HungerGames-omg-jlaw-is-literally-so00000amazing‘  was on the television.

  • Additionally, TAKE beautiful candid pictures next to cool barns and pastures, in hipster outfits with our Soap Opera messy-gelled- straight-curly with feathery wisps – gently cascading in the wind and ostensibly, in front of our face, but not –  “OMG-PLEASE-GET-YOUR-HAIR-OUT-OF-YOUR-FACE-FOR-THE-PICTURE!!!” — for Christmas cards.  Or see what the Kardashians cooked up this year and try to imitate that Goth masterpiece.   I love how my computer tries to spell check Kardashian to Guardianship.

December 3rd some kind of appointment for some child in my house AND I signed up to be a Secret Santa helper on the same day on purpose for some reason.  I think I actually wrote “intentional” on my calendar.

December 4th, a bunch of automatic payments are coming out of our account because it’s all red and highlighty on my calendar, wait I thought all payments were frozen to boost Holidays sales because that is the primary purpose of the season, cash-money.

December 5th  USA?  what does that mean? or USAA? ok, o think we owe them something monthly, maybe that thing that protects us from being sued if we drive horrendously in parking lots.

December 6th  Dress rehearsal for the Nutcracker AND My daughters chorus concert…rest Assured, I have emailed all affected Directors and  thoroughly explained my scheduling plight in grave detail, because essentially, all of these concerts and recitals are ABOUT ME and ONLY ME and collaterally pertains to the scheduling of my family.

December 7th. The NutCracker.  It’s gonna be Crunk.

December 8th “alkajdfp987349823″ I can’t read my handwriting. I think it’s someone’s birthday. Oh Snap, my sisters birthday is the 6th. and the 16th.  and the 12 and maybe the 8th.  I have 3 sisters, so . carry the 1 and…. Usually I just send them their birthday cards when I send the Christmas cards which are all late. It’s the thought that counts.

December 11th.  Help a teacher out.  Bring in Kale/Quinoa/gluten–dye-soy-dairy-air free Holiday PinTree-cakes drizzled with wheat grass infused compote.

December 13th an appointment on a Saturday?  WHO IS THE KEEPER OF THIS CALENDAR?

December 14th.  34500000 sticky notes on the fridge on how I really need to get shopping and wrapping. wrapped up.

I also bookmarked some article in Huffington Post titled “The disease of being over scheduled?”  Maybe I will read that in between unknown doctors appointment and Secret Santa on December 3rd.   Happy Holidays  (Which, as a phrase, is a hot-trending-topic right now on Social Media, get the popcorn out…..  )