Archive for the ‘humor’ Category
I heart the Bloggess. love her book too xo fabulously funny blog as usual.
Originally posted on The Bloggess:
So! Last week my friend Maile and I went to the Mom 2.0 Summit and it was quite lovely but we decided that instead of posting the typical conference selfies we should change things up a bit and post the most unflattering pictures we could possibly take. We did the first one on the plane and it was so ridiculous that even instagram wouldn’t post it. It might have been a glitch but we assumed it was instagram saying, “No. You don’t mean to post this. Have you been drinking again? We’re cutting you off until you come to your senses.” But we had no senses to come to and we couldn’t stop laughing at the picture and so we shared it on twitter.
Then when we landed we found out that the picture was shared so much that it was the very thing that got the conference hashtag trending. So…yeah.
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this is a reblog from Laughing into the Abyss!!! xo
Originally posted on Laughing into the Abyss:
Next Life, NO Kids is doing this cool #Mommitment (dang, I have to get on the Twitter now, don’t I?) thing to end the Mommy Wars. Whether you have kids or not, the idea behind this movement impacts us all. Check it out–it’s smart and there’s likely going to be a lot of swearing, so you know I’m in. To that end, here is my humble contribution:
There’s no doubting the existence of the Mommy Wars. What I sometimes see and hear mothers doing to one another both online and in person turns me WHITE. Happily, there is a growing chorus of voices saying, in one form or another, that it’s time to cut that shit out.
I submit that there is a broader conflict, the Uterine Wars, if you will. Heated battles include, but are not limited to:
- Who’s using theirs?
- Why or why not?
- HOW DARE SHE?
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sharing anotherblog hope I did this correctly?
this blog touched my heart & soul. beautiful. poignant. honestly. it speaks for itself xo 💓💜💛💚
Originally posted on Drifting Through My Open Mind:
“And I know it aches and your heart it breaks and you can only take so much…. Walk on.” -U2, Walk On
It was my wedding day.
I found myself standing outside the doors to the chapel. My heart was racing. Pressure began building inside and I felt my eyes fill up with tears.
I can’t do this.
Before I could turn and run, the doors were flung open. I was caught off guard as 80 expectant faces turned to look at me. I scanned the crowd…. I saw my family and friends…. I saw my Dad and Stepfather waiting in front of the alter to give me away.
But I was going to have to walk down the aisle alone.
And that’s not how it was supposed to be.
I don’t know how long I paused there. I felt like I couldn’t move.
Then my eyes found Joe. And…
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This title is all encompassing
loved this blog, spot on
Originally posted on The Span of My Hips:
I know, I know, it’s that time of year. The time the diet industry goes into overdrive, salivating over the guilt-ridden masses vowing to finally, finally make that change. Hire that trainer, start that diet. And, by the grace of god, be bikini-ready by May. (Here’s a secret: got a body? Like bikinis? Congrats! You’re bikini ready!)
So it’s no wonder that everywhere you turn you’re hearing about super foods, fallen super foods, new food trends, old food trends, food trends to watch out for. And, my favourite: 10 Leafy Greens Healthier Than Kale.
Kale is pretty darn healthy. It’s got boatloads of fibre, it’s got tons of nutrients, it’s got a surprising amount of protein per calorie, it’s got a high volume:low calorie ratio which helps fill you up if you’re seeking weight loss or maintenance. Yeah, maybe chicory’s got a few more per polyphenols (which do what…
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“— is sick. still hasn’t eaten today. No fever as of this morning but just waiting to see if tomorrow is a possibility. She did get a flu shot this fall..so I’m hoping for the best
I’m emailing all of you bc is she misses school she will miss chorus and school class party and I was also scheduled to volunteer.
I’ll let everyone know by tonight/early morning”
“—– did have his reading log done last week but erased the first block to re write and I didn’t realize he waited a week to pass back in again. He said he would be a zero is there any possible way for him to get seem credit bc he had 75% of it completed as required last week?”
Insert melodramatic closing:
Due to the fact that it’s all about my children and I’m obviously unaware of the 23 other students you and their insane parents you have to deal with daily. I did write nice Christmas cards and delivered small gifts of appreciation as instructed by Huffington Post Parents.
I feel like I should add this is a satirical poke at MYSELF because from the comments section on The Onion , The Oatmeal and Huffington Post in general, people of the inter-webs are
a) extraordinarily cranky and pissed off about EVERYTHING or b) have no earthly understanding of dry humor or satire.
My addled brain:
- I love getting updates about Ghostface Killah on my phone. It makes me feel so connected to my homies in the quaint fishing town in coastal Maine.
- Christmas card address file is a dangerously dysfunctional Matrix of labels:
- I love how I arbitrarily yell “FIVE MORE MINUTES” throughout the house because I don’t have a clue as to what happens in 5 minutes.
- Passive aggressive vagueness cryptic post. if you care , you must share or Shelfie Elfie will make you watch Saving Christmas while eating kale nuggets and Blitzen will get the flu.
- The bass beside me was so loud, I thought def jam aliens had descended upon earth.
- My daughter exacted karma on my head by aggressively showing me how I brush her hair in the mornings. I’m glad my kids understand the concept of “do unto others…
- “The freaking Elf hasn’t moved because she’s paralyzed by the stress of appearing perfectly put-together for the holidays, I think she needs a time out. at Passages. in Malibu.”
- Kohls , why do you taunt me so with your 789,000 billions of disproportionate, your mad stacks of cash and your familial care-free post cards?>
- I am not a Ma’Am, wait, maybe I am. Carry on youth, while I cry my wrinkles into my coffee””
Tags: calendar, funny, humor in parenting, scheduling, scheudle
Oh it’s that time. the Holiday Hoedowns. Secret Santa Elephant Tree Recycle Gala. The” WHEN DID I SIGN UP TO DO THIS?” The, “Should I even try to add WHOLE wheat flour to the Christmas baking again so I can be rejected by my family and end up sobbing with a bag of cookies in the corner?” The “WHY AM I BAKING? because the kitchen looks like an episode of the ‘Blindfolded Chef searches for a Bachelor who can cook”
Due to my ADHD-OCD tinged with the incessant need to plan, pre-plan , over-plan, cancel plans – juxtaposed with my spontaneous and carefree nature, all recorded in hand- written calendarS, glitter adorned journals, smart-phone-gratitude -app-journals, sticky-note-hoarding-piles and this gem:
What was that phrase someone EMBLAZONED ON A GIANT PILLOW FOR ME “Keep it…Keep it…oh darn, what was it (simple.)
November 20th I volunteered to help out with a science experiment at my son’s school. I failed all lab experiments in College so I should be a beneficial asset. .. Maybe driving around listening to Journey and Rob Base in my friend’s car with the really LOUD speaker system, during lab, wasn’t the best use of my collegiate time.
November 21st the 56790th orthodontist appointment this month. My son’s expander fell out of his mouth. He denies any starburst consumption as the cause. (‘Da Dun’ SVU music playing..)
November 22nd Nutcracker practice. I ignored all emails from Dance Director because I assumed vicariously living through my children through Hip Hop Dance Class would translate into non-Nutcracker performances because If it were my Dance Studio, I would do the whole Run DMC Christmas in Hollis Queens Dance Recital, yet maybe why I do not own a Dance Studio. #bizloandenied. Seriously, I am excited for them to be apart of The Nutcracker, sometimes the facetious nature of pointing out my idiosyncrasies, sounds way too sarcastic and flip.
November 23rd, same thing as above but I also have written “Truck $4382648732649873687264 payment”,hmmm, what could that mean?
Week November 24, my husband informed me we would be leaving for his Mee Maw and Pee Paws EARLY this vacation week because ‘I needs to get to cookin’.’ No I’m just kidding, he did not say this 1950s , stereotypically Southern phrase. He did say we were leaving early, I missed the rest of what he said because the previews for ‘Mocking-JAY-part-1-of-56-HungerGames-omg-jlaw-is-literally-so00000amazing‘ was on the television.
- Additionally, TAKE beautiful candid pictures next to cool barns and pastures, in hipster outfits with our Soap Opera messy-gelled- straight-curly with feathery wisps – gently cascading in the wind and ostensibly, in front of our face, but not – “OMG-PLEASE-GET-YOUR-HAIR-OUT-OF-YOUR-FACE-FOR-THE-PICTURE!!!” — for Christmas cards. Or see what the Kardashians cooked up this year and try to imitate that Goth masterpiece. I love how my computer tries to spell check Kardashian to Guardianship.
December 3rd some kind of appointment for some child in my house AND I signed up to be a Secret Santa helper on the same day on purpose for some reason. I think I actually wrote “intentional” on my calendar.
December 4th, a bunch of automatic payments are coming out of our account because it’s all red and highlighty on my calendar, wait I thought all payments were frozen to boost Holidays sales because that is the primary purpose of the season, cash-money.
December 5th USA? what does that mean? or USAA? ok, o think we owe them something monthly, maybe that thing that protects us from being sued if we drive horrendously in parking lots.
December 6th Dress rehearsal for the Nutcracker AND My daughters chorus concert…rest Assured, I have emailed all affected Directors and thoroughly explained my scheduling plight in grave detail, because essentially, all of these concerts and recitals are ABOUT ME and ONLY ME and collaterally pertains to the scheduling of my family.
December 7th. The NutCracker. It’s gonna be Crunk.
December 8th “alkajdfp987349823″ I can’t read my handwriting. I think it’s someone’s birthday. Oh Snap, my sisters birthday is the 6th. and the 16th. and the 12 and maybe the 8th. I have 3 sisters, so . carry the 1 and…. Usually I just send them their birthday cards when I send the Christmas cards which are all late. It’s the thought that counts.
December 11th. Help a teacher out. Bring in Kale/Quinoa/gluten–dye-soy-dairy-air free Holiday PinTree-cakes drizzled with wheat grass infused compote.
December 13th an appointment on a Saturday? WHO IS THE KEEPER OF THIS CALENDAR?
December 14th. 34500000 sticky notes on the fridge on how I really need to get shopping and wrapping. wrapped up.
I also bookmarked some article in Huffington Post titled “The disease of being over scheduled?” Maybe I will read that in between unknown doctors appointment and Secret Santa on December 3rd. Happy Holidays (Which, as a phrase, is a hot-trending-topic right now on Social Media, get the popcorn out….. )
This statement sums up a piece my personality as it applies to interpersonal relationships. I am shocked when people like me and I am shocked when they do not like me. Lately, I have been struggling with my “writing” career because quite honestly, people behind keyboards “trolling” to comment their “opinions” (opinions is an understatement, it’s more like a life time full of rage) seem to be on the rise lately. I put myself on a timer for Facebook because I get sucked into the comments section on various blogs etc and I’m saddened at how people are just oozing with a vitriol hate towards the author.
Nonetheless , here are some posts that never made it to my Facebook blog page because 1) its not very “viral” (Not sure if that’s the right word?) and doesn’t get much “attention”; therefore when I see “45 people saw your post” and zero people like the post, it really chastises my codependent demons as in they stop hugging each other and start fighting with each other. I do not know what it is about Facebook, even Instagram for that matter, I am extremely affected by the whole “like” aspect. On Word Press, it does not bother me because I feel safe here and for the most part it seems as though we are a community trying to support one another versus tearing each other down from behind a keyboard!
I email myself my status updates that I do not post or screen shot the scheduled posts I deleted before they went live to my 310 “followers”. Listed below are the posts that have succumbed to the misfortune of being exiled to the Island of Misfits:
- You now the humidity is fo realz when your magnets are permanently stuck to their hosts. OR the homemade preschool magnets from 1903 should have been stored safely in the preschool memoirs box.
- The messy pony tail look is highly acceptable for this suburban mom, but poses high risk of inflated-control-anxiety issues when my 7 year old daughter implements the same rudimentary hair skills.
- Sometimes I think I like obscurity too much. WAIT?! Does that make me a superfly-young-hiptser where I can ostensibly wear egregious outfits that are ironically fabulous.
- My daily sentiments are sprinkled with facetious glitter and the heartwarming dysfunction of my demons flirting with each other (I did put this on instagram)
- My son understand math that I barely understoond when I was in college, but then when asked asked by his sister for help using the word “her” in a sentence, his response is “Her Butt”. I swear he did not watch the VMA awards with Nikki and Beyonce.
That’s about all I have time for today in writing, I’m keeping my blogs shorter in an effort to spend more time writing my book, and quite frankly, I think people lose interest after about 500 words!
I am trying to avoid Facebook because its just not a great place for me right now (wait? am I contradicting my title!! ?? wait for it…..
THE one thing I have seen going around on Facebook which I think is pretty awesome (outside of “animals being jerks”, kids writing inappropriate essays by accident on diply.com and “smushy” baby faces) is the “I am grateful” posts! Listed below are my 10 things I’m a grateful for right now:
3) Pintrest. I like it. I get good ideas and it’s not full of righteous condemnation or articles that link sugar consumption to cocaine abuse or articles predicting the end if earth via genetically modified marshmallows.
4) My gratitude jar and the fact that the kids don’t quote “get it” and blurt out “funny” responses to for its existence.
5) My kids doing their schoolwork. Yes! they complain, but they are trying their best and that makes me happy.
6) My messy house. Yes, I’m still a little wide-eyed neurotic because there are Legos in my bed and bathroom but it means my children are still young and want me to hug them and give them smooshy kisses. I know this will change.
9) Coffee. I really do not care if people think it is “bad” for you. I’m over that reedunkulous debate. I like it and it’s a morning ritual for me that compliments my soul.
10) The license plate I saw yesterday with the word “ridqulus”. Seriously, I want one.
Lately, a lot of blogs with the topic of “Unwanted Parenting Advice” (UPS) have popped up on my radar. My unsolicited gift of advice for “Perpetual Parenting Advice Givers” (PPAG) is as follows:
Unless your advice or “look of disdain” toward another parent, is TRULY rooted in a place of concern for the well-being of the child/parent, your unsolicited advice is a truly a reflection of YOUR character, not that of the parent or child.
Footnote? for my short blog:
I have like 67859 unfinished blogs , including on from today, I am either too long winded and verbose or too abrupt and vapid. Twitter and Word Press make me want to put forks in my eyes. Do writers ever find their “HAPPY PLACE?” or is it always this tortured abyss of a soul wrenching masterpiece, or my new favorite quote du jour is “a cyclical OCD ADHD projectile future apocalyptic vision of organized anarchy.”
I have about a dozen half written blogs. It has been an eventful summer. I just have not have the fortitude to bring any of them to completion. Medicine changes for Momma. My fiercely independent daughter. My incredibly sensitive and defiant son. A million doctors and orthodontic appointments. The constant looming thought of “Am I doing this correctly?” or “WTF am I DOING?” when it comes to parenting. I quit Facebook for a month because it was sending my anxiety into overdrive. (I will have a delicious blog about that topic) A 10 year old SUV that makes a strange whistling sound from time to time so I just close my eyes and say a little prayer that it will just “go away”.
Divine inspiration cascaded down upon me (ok I know it’s not all about me..but it sure did feel divinely inspired) and I met a fabulous babysitter for my children. She is with them right now and this is literally the first moment since the beginning of summer I have had to type anything out on the computer except for paying bills, sometimes late.. I hope we do not scare her off. Momma needs these breaks.
I saw a instagram photo that said “Write something today, even if it sucks”. So I did. Time to go pay bills. I love my kids dearly and have enjoyed spending every waking moment with them this summer, but I have to admit, I am looking forward to WRITING WRITING AND WRITING when they go back to school. I just could not seem to get the hang of it while they were home with me. My brain does not multi-task, literally AT ALL.
Tags: children, chores, empowering mom, empowering parents, humor, kids, moms supporting each other, parental decisions, parents who support each other, sahm, sahp, working mothers
I recently read an article about how the Whooping Cough was an epidemic in California and in the blog it stated it was a direct result of people choosing to not vaccinate their children. (see link below). I was shocked by the parents’ vehemence towards each other on the topic. Yes, if my child contracted a deadly disease, as a result of being around UN-vaccinated children, and I vaccinated my children, I would be hysterically angry and want to blame the parents who chose to not vaccinate their kids under the ‘herd-mentality’ premise.
However, lately, I decided, when I get inwardly steamed about a controversial subject, I am trying to do the opposite of overreacting and commenting wildly on Facebook. I am trying to bring my inner Dali Lama to the forefront and find a medium in which we can agree to disagree and really try to support each other as we raise our children in this world.
As a society, I feel like parents; women especially, could do a much better job in supporting each other when it comes to how parents chose to provide for and raise their children. There are 500 different scenarios, and I do not think I have to list them all out because any parent that’s pouring love out of their heart to raise their children is a parent I support. Why does it have to be a competition? Why are SAHP (stay at home parents) cast as a certain stereotype and working parents cast as another? There are perks and insurmountable obstacles of all types of scenarios in raising kids. I worked part time on three separate occasions after I had kids, and WE could not make it work as a family. Why the competing forces on this topic?
For the record, I have probably criticized every one of these items in my head or out loud. Through some personal growth, I am realizing that when I criticize another person in general, my own inner insecurities are rearing their monstrous head. My criticisms of anyone or anything, has everything to do with my issues and little or nothing to do with their issues. My point, stop throwing stones in the glass house and start using some Windex together. Let’s try to remove the following preconceived notions and judgement out of our parental interactions:
1) The number and type of extra curricular activities (I.e. sports) their children are involved in and Thankfully , because of some of the work I have done on myself, I’m less likely to parent my children based on “comments” made by other parents.
2) How a parent disciplines their children. Aside from physical, emotional abuse and neglect, how you (or as a family unit) chose to discipline your children is YOUR BUSINESS. You are in the shoes 24/7, not the onlooker.
3) STAYING HOME TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN.
4) WORKING TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN.
Both scenarios have their pros and cons. Stop trying to win the argument because there should not even be an argument anymore. It takes a Village.
5) BEING A SINGLE PARENT. Enough Said. I know my Dad struggled with this feat for many many years and I have the utmost respect for the single parent.
6)Being A Gay Parent. How is “gayness” affecting the child? or your child? If you associate being “gay” with being perverse, that’s your problem.
7) Home Schooling your Children. Sending your Children to Private School. Sending your children to Public School. I personally could not home school my children because I substituted as a preschool teacher and I learned very quickly that it’s simply not in my DNA and I would be performing an injustice to their education.
8) What type of religion , if any, is taught in the home. I do my best to teach my children what I know, I bought them “cartoon-esque” bibles so they have a basic understanding of Christianity. Essentially it is their decision to believe in what they want to believe in for themselves. I believe in a Higher Power of my understanding, I want them to come to understand what that means to them on their own terms.
9) How many chores your kids do around the house or if they earn an allowance. Again, you are not in the parents’ shoes 24/7, you are the onlooker. What works for some , may not work for others.
10) I’m backtracking a bit, but breastfeeding. I did not breastfeed, I tried and had to stop. No, I am not going to buy another mom’s milk over the internet or even next door. I applaud the women who breastfed and breastfeed. “BREASTFORMATION” (projectile vomiting of information on the benefits of breast milk) is not going tot make a woman who did not breast feed, change her mind on the subject, it’s only going to make the woman feel horrendous about her decision she can not or should not change based on your opinion. Information on the benefits of of Breastfeeding is great for groups and people who want to hear the information. I speak from experience and most moms I know who also did not breastfeed, DID NOT COME UPON THE DECISION LIGHTLY. Many tears were shed over my decision to formula feed my children.
I am around a lot of moms. The most common thing I hear is that they are so tired of being judged and tired of feeling like they are losing themselves in what other people THINK they should be doing. Why are we so damn hard on each other, aren’t we hard enough on ourselves??? Whether you are a strict parent, a funny parent, a fly by the seat of your pants- parent, cook three meals a day for your kid parent, kids were potty trained at 18 months or 5 years, parent, organized pinterest guru parent, handy parent, dramatic parent, etc!!! , I think the worst thing we can do to each other as parents is criticize each other!
Have you hugged another parent today?
* Article on Whooping Cough
No disrespect to Micheal Z dawg, because he’s a genius, but am I the only one that gets anxiety after scrolling on Facebook ? There are things I still love about the platform, and I know I personally have comitted many social media sins, I’m just a little less than amused, ok maybe Lewis Black annoyed with Facebook.
Lets get to it, these are just a sample of posts that literally give me what my Italian friends calls heartburn or “ahhjidaa?”
1) “The blood of the teeth of my savior shall free you if and only you share this post”
Seriously, I highly doubt this falls into the WWJD category. (What Would Jesus Do). This is not inspiring. Joel Olsteen that isht down please. We need a nice, soft place to land.
2) “I hate my life”.
My nine year old said this yesterday because he got his feelings hurt by his friend. He was legitimately upset but I explained there is absolutely no reason to be “hatin’. Its okay to be upset, but If my nine year old can’t say it, nor should you because YOU GROWN.
3) The gym “selfies.”
Every once in a blue moon, we get it, you are in good shape..of course you want to show your high school chums you have an eight pack. Have you ever hear the term “less is more”? It applies to those who feel like we need to be reminded, daily, even hourly, that you have a flat stomach, and are very sweaty from your lift session with Mr. & Mrs. bicep. Remember “ABS~ENCE’ (from the ab shots) MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER”
4) The Political diatribes.
I may have to deactivate my account during the 2016 election season. You want to make a difference in politics?..Join Congress. WAIT; no, that won’t work either.
You are simply NOT going to “turn” people into a Republican, a Democrat, a leftie, rightie, a Tea Party crasher, LGBT basher, or a Libertarian Masher by getting unnecessarily douchbaggery towards your fictional opponents ON FACEBOOOOOKKKKK. Yes!! stand for something, but subtract the summer’s eve product nuances.
5) Insulting people’s intelligence to make sales or “get them to sign up” for the “life changing x,y,z”.
Yes, absolutely you should promote your business on social media. Its the world we live in today. My skin~crawling~ irritation is with the “ickiness” of some of the sales tactics. The quickest way I can describe it is after seeing an icky sales posts, I feel like I was bathed in fake maple syrup.
…. I don’t know why I alluded to “fake” versus “real” maple syrup. I grew up in Maine, so I do not want to offend real Maple syrup because it is really good and maybe even less sticky than the fake stuff.
6) “I just can’t even believe the way some people are sometimes, you know who you are!!!”
Did you mean to text or privately message this to your bestie?
I get passive aggressiveness, I am a woman, we kind of created it and “own it” once a month, but as a status update?…Thinking “that person” might see the post? And if they do, you really want to duke it out, in front of everyone?
WHICH brings me to..
7) “Well, my daddy’s, sisters husband’s girlfriend’s babie’s, cousin’s daddies brother, is fighting for custody of Uncle Sherman’s, cousin Sally Mae’s ,second cousin’s Rhi Rhas, first cousin’s once removed, babie’s baby. And let me tell you something if they think I’m gonna back down, they don’t know who they dealing with”
1) Wha? b) What exactly are you backing down from? A family reunion in divorce court?
And then there is that comment:
“I will be praying for you,-!”
WHAT ARE YOU PRAYING FOR , ARE YOU GOING TO SCREENSHOT THAT UP TO HEAVEN BECAUSE YOU BEST BELIEVE JESUS WILL BE CONFUSED”
In nutshell, if the family’s dirty laundry is so confusing, you need ancestry.com AND Dr Phil to help sudoku it out, Maybe that’s better left as a chit~chat with your Momma’s cousin’s Aunt’s Daddy’s sister.
8) Trying to scare me with scary, preachy messages on how I need to change my sinful ways. Again 1) did you mean to text someone and b) stop watching Fox news. Its not that bad.
(My sister watches Fox news so don’t get all ornery; they, like all other 24/7 news coverage get paid to sensationalize, YOU, on the other hand, do not. Refrain and post a picture of a kitty cat saving a kid’s life instead!! )
9) Solange and Jay-z Memes. Just kidding, this recently and it’s CRAZY how memes have accumulated in a 72 hour period. We are absolutely a nation obsessed with celebrities. I am not immune, I was curious too. I fell asleep trying to find Solange’s instagram account because I read she deleted ALL her pictures of Beyonce and Jayz. I know, right??? How crazy is that? Oh you mean, How crazy AM I for searching for her instagram account instead of saying sharing #1’s post to save my debauchery filled soul? yeah, I know. Thankfully I was tired. There were like 25 Solange Knowle’s accounts and I betcha Jesus was kind of curious too so He was busy on instagram.
10) Duck Face Selfies. STOP. STOP. STOP. YOU ARE NOT A DUCK.
This is all meant to funny. I have probably committed all of the above in one shape or form. I am sure I annoy people with my Facebook posts. Seriously, please laugh, I love Jesus and everyone on Fox news. :)
Tags: comedy, dental tools, dental work, dentists, georgia, humor, humorous, laugh at yourself, laughing, laughing at ourselves, walking dead, zombies
I wrote this a while ago. I’m catching up on all my handwritten blogs. I have had a lot of dental work lately and my favorite drama on television is The Walking Dead. On with it.
1) You witness a dental team utilize a mini arsenal of mini home improvement and home gardening tools ON YOUR MOUTH. This way, if you every need pet zombies for protection (Michonne, Walking Dead) you can loot a dental office and mimic what you witnesses while people were gardening in your mouth; except, precision and pain alleviation will not be an issues.
2)The dental insurance companies cover one toof. So either you have one really great toof, to use when you become a Zombie during an Apocalypse, or you drained your savings to save the other toofies. Either way, you will have something to work with as a Zombie if you visit the dentist regularly!!! Yes I spelled toof incorrectly on purpose. I do not know why, maybe it’s some kind of rebellious gesture towards Dental Insurance companies for the asinine policy of COVERING ONE TOOF OR ONE QUADRANT of said Toofies.
- Side note. I had ZERO clue on how to spell asinine. So I looked up “assynyne” on google. Apparently it’s very popular name for hip hop groups and rock bands. And YES, I know how to spell toof. Remember, I’m rebelling.
3)Laughing Gas is awesome. So if things start to go south during a Zombie Apocalypse, find a dental office STAT, to hide your posse in and hook yo’self up playah.
- I mean “go south” as it go poorly. Not “move towards the south”. This can be confusing, hence my clarification, because the Walking Dead is filmed in the South, in Georgia. I never really thought of where the term “go South” as in “going poorly” comes from….?
4) Dental people have fabulous teeth. Zombies do not.
5) Dental offices are shiny, nice, sanitized, and play great family friendly movies like “Up” and “Despicable Me”; whereas, any warehouse or church or home you take refuge in during a Zombie Apocalypse, you will most certainly not have said amenities.
6) If you are in a Zombie Apocalypse, make sure you have one of those Novocaine Needles filled with Novocaine. That way if you are about to get bit, you can jab the pre-bit area with said needle and it won’t hurt as much.
“No Pain, you will be slain” You may have to tell your Zombie-Attacker- Non -Human -Walker thing, to hold off for about five minutes until the Novocaine kicks in though…
7) Dental offices are loaded with awesome supplies and weapons to loot during a Zombie Apocalypse, For survivors AND to ward off Zombies. Think about it. Also DON’T FORGET TO ROLL THAT LAUGHING GAS MACHINE WITH YOU WHEN YOU HEAD BACK TO PEOPLE-ALIVE-HUMANS CAMP. Seriously. Don’t leave home without it.
8) If you go to the dental office a lot for surgeries etc, you are prepared for Zombie Attack pain.
9) If it were the Dental People versus Zombies as last people on earth, I would place big money on the Dental People winning. They have great tools, they have great teeth, they know how to keep sanitized and ward of zombie germs and mutations, and they will all be high on laughing gas so it won’t really matter anyways.
10) If you have great dental coverage and stay up to date on all your dental appointments, you will make one hell of a Zombie during an apocalypse, that’s the same as #2 , but that’s all I got.
Tags: chores, comedic writing, comedy, house stuff, humor in parenting, laugh at yourself, laughing, laughter, quirky behaviors
I was going to name this “10 Reasons why you should stop comparing yourself to others” or “10 reasons why there should not be any comparison between the Stay at Home Mom (parent) versus the Working Parent” or “10 Reasons to accept yourself” These are all very important topics, but I really want to bring LAUGHTER into the blogging world. Life is extremely serious, and there are things that need to be taken seriously, and there are amazing writers out there that are writing about very serious things and they all serve of equal importance in this extremely complex Universe. My problem is that my mind is an open web browser and every serious article/Facebook post/ of “you must change NOW”, exploding in the informational highway, I absorb, over analyze and I get so distracted that I can not enjoy what is right in front of me at this very moment.
I KNOW it my opening paragraph is not Chuckle Hut worthy so on with it. Here are 10 reasons why I will laugh at myself, (and Love) , I hope that you can find some time today to make yourself a quick list for yourself to help you love, laugh and accept yourself as to where you are at this very moment:
1) I wear Jackie Onassis dresses and love 1950s clothes, but I also love really ratchet music. Like ratchet ratchet. Like “Rack City” Ratchet. I mean, please, My Easter Dress looked like something out of Betty Crocker’s 1950’s picture-cookbook, all the while the top ten songs on my playlist are about “droppin’ it low”. I will say; however, I do search high and low for the edited versions. I think that counts for something.
2)In continuation with my eclectic music and fashion sense, the song Let Her Go by Passenger makes me boo hoo like a baby. I do not know if it’s because of all the puppies and horses when it first came out or if it’s because it strikes some kind of peri-menopausal-tear-duct-gland or if when it’s played someone is cutting a onion nearby? I don’t know. It just makes me cry. It’s truly a beautiful song.
3) I cannot fold clothes if the floor needs to be vacuumed. For some reason it makes no earthly sense to me to be folding and putting away clothes when the floor is dirty. You can imagine the havoc this wreaks if I get sick or my vacuum dies and my mop is on the fritz. My sister lived with us for a while. She was very “on top” of the laundry. If I saw her folding any stack of laundry, I would IMMEDIATELY, get the vacuum or mop out and start cleaning the floors. I would STOP whatever I was doing or convince her that she did not need to be folding the laundry because I am her sister and she should know I am just weird.
4) I have panic attacks at the grocery store when people bag my groceries. I have to literally bite the inside of my cheek. I can’t do self- check out either because I am very very slow and someone usually steps in and “assists” then I am back to the same conundrum. Today I had a little freak out session because the bag person put all my cold stuff in the non cold recycle bags and vice-versa. Yes, I re-arranged all of this before loading into the car. I am sure I gave the person reading her People magazine in the car next to me a huge chuckle.
5) I am a horrendous drive-way driver. Recently, I was at a friend’s house and I literally drove right up over her cable box. It was pretty big. Cable still works in case you were wondering. Oh, and last summer, my husband got a new truck with the back up ALARM system with the giant camera. I am backing up while we are on our annual beach vacation trip (so in my defense I was in a strange driveway) and the camera goes pitch black and the alarm things starts screaming, and I call my husband and ask him “Why is rear aid back up alert flashing on the screen and why is it beeping extremely loud?’ His response; “YOU ARE ABOUT TO HIT SOMETHING!!!” Lo and Behold , there was a GIANT PALM TREE about five centimeters away from the bumper. My friends were laughing so hard they could not even stand up.
6) I do not do well on highways either. I get very tense in “trafficky” situations. It’s not that I become a bad driver, I become a nervous, white knuckled driver. I hate the freeway or interstate. Two funny stories:
a) One time I was with a friend,about 15 years ago , and I switched lanes rather quickly, possibly without using a blinker, because I had not gotten over fast enough due to my tense driving state of affairs. I KNOW, it was not safe, but I was not intentionally trying to be rude or anything. (that counts! Gold star for me!!) Immediately after my maneuver, I looked back and I “thought” all these people were waving and me and I said to my friend , “Do we know all those people behind us?” as I fervently waved my hand out the window and smiled, and she said “Um no, they are not waving at you, they are giving you the bird”.
b) I drove all the way from Maine to North Carolina with my sister when I went to college. Several several times, truckers would pass us and give me the “hang loose” or “chill out” sign in response to my panicked, white knuckled “10 & 2″ on the steering wheel.
7) There is nothing I love more that to drink a huge soda (ok I am trying to be healthier so I have been drinking a lot of seltzer water, I NEED fizz) and let out a giant burp. I like to burp. I feel like it’s cleansing in some ways. Don’t worry I do not do this in public, it’s purely a stay at home mom type of activity. Drinkin Seltzer and Burpin. Sounds like a country or a rap song. Maybe. I even try to sound out a word or something like “Excellent”… I know juvenile, but oh so rewarding.
8) I love to over analyze, ok wait, maybe I love to “shallow analyze” and ask insane questions during movies that sometimes have absolutely no connection to what is actually going on during the movie. This is definitely a blog for later but here are a few quick ones, “Why would she be wearing something like that during an Zombie Apocalypse?” “Do you think they really really love each other deeply or is it a marriage of convenience?” “Do you think she makes smoking look sexy? or is that just me?” (don’t worry I am not going to take up smoking..it was JUST a question). Again, a blog for later.. because I think I should be a movie critic for all those random questions you have in the back of your mind.
9) I am a Messy Perfectionist. I am still trying to determine what that means. It’s just a crazy way to describe my brain and the way I organize “things”. I want things to be perfectly organized, put away and Pottery-Barn-worthy-showcased, but my brain simply does not operate in that manner; therefore the best way to describe how are organize things in my house is “Messy perfectionism”. The level of organization on Pintrest literally makes me want to seek therapy.
10) I lose chapsticks, lip gloss, hair thingies like there is no tomorrow. And so does my daughter. So then when it comes time to “clean up and organize my messy perfectionism”, I will have 4359 pins & hair things in my hair, 45 lip balms in my pocket until I can find their messy home. Sometimes they never make it home depending upon what other “messy perfectionism” project I delve into on my journey.
This was a bit longer than I had anticipated but I hope it gives you a chance to laugh a little and thing of a few reasons why it’s okay to stop, smell the roses and not try to be 500000 steps ahead of everyone else, even yourself.
Tags: 106 & park, B.O.B, BET, beyonce, big bang theory, dance disasters, dance mom, drop it low, funny, funny or die, funny parenting stories, hip hop, humor in parenting, humorous parenting, Jason Derulo, jibber jabber, mom blog, parenting, Trevor Jackson
It’s actually 10 reasons, but the bus is coming, and I promised myself that I would blog or write in my book at least six times a week and well, I want to get this published today so I do not break any more promises to myself, or have to blog or write when my kids are home. I do realize summer is just right around the corner so am I planning to just “not write” for two months?? No, I will have a strict schedule with mandatory writing time for all, six times a week, okay maybe five, okay maybe I will we will count writing out birthday cards to Mee Maw and Pee Paw as writing time. You will see why I want to concentrate on writing this summer with my children, with my # 2.
On with it:
1) As referenced in the above picture , It’s Dress Rehearsal time for dance recital. Let me break down for you what happened last year:
a) I drove my daughter betwixt non-Perimeter and Perimeter Atlanta traffic to a Performing Arts Center that JUST HOSTED A CHICK FIL A CONVENTION. To a Dress Rehearsal. In which I FORGOT TO DRESS MY CHILD IN HER DANCE COSTUME. I did not read the email last year. No, I did not even read the SUBJECT LINE DRESS REHEARSAL !!!!
B) I had to drive all the way betwixt this Armageddon of traffic back home. It was a Friday Spring night. Bass was exploding from every hooped up hooptie and monster mash truck rattling my nerves (Usually I love bass explosions). At one point I got completely lost and tried to turn around in a large parking lot and couldn’t get OUT OF THE PARKING lot, while my son was in the back, I ended up doing doughnuts (unintentionally ) screaming expletives at the top of my lungs. He said and I quote “You really need to relax Mom”.
C) There is much more to this story, but it does provide an amazing glimpse as to why I DID NOT GET THE MANUAL.
2) I’m not sure if you can read this but this is a breakdown of some type of standardized testing my son had recently on writing skills. I burst into tears when I got the scores back because he “did not meet expectations” in nearly 90 percent of the categories, and I am a “writer” and it truly is all about ME and I live vicariously through my children. I think I also had really bad PMS OR I am in some type of peri-menopausal purgatory because I am much more emotional two weeks before and after that time of the month, which is basically 365 days of the year. Thankfully, I showed my extremely level headed husband WHO DID INDEED GET THE MANUAL and said “I do not understand any of this jibber jabber* either, our kids are smart, quit stressing, hey how’s that book coming? are we going to be able to retire in Ft Lauderdale because you will be like that lady who wrote all the Harry Potter books?” Oh my poor poor husband. No, he shouldn’t listen to my jibber jabber* either. Quite frankly I do not think he does listen to much of it.
3) I was going to take a picture for #3, as I just got though vacuuming five pieces of destroyed chicken fingers that I had made from the book Deceptively Delicious , where you try to hide vegetables in the kid’s food. I probably should have foreseen these type of shenanigans when I saw the word “flax seed” as an ingredient. I am not sure I even like flaxseed but I put it in all my food because I read it helps get rid of cellulite. Okay, NO I didn’t read that but I inferred it from the reading because it’s one of the new “superfoods” like “chia seeds” (I like) “chai tea” (I like) “kale” (strongly hate) and every freaking wheat barely foo foo grass from here to China. I digress. Consequently, My stubbornly honest daughter told me it and I quote the nuggets “were disgusting Mommy, just disgusting” and burst into tears. My sensitively innocent son, told me he ate all five pieces. Refer back to beginning of paragraph. No disrespect to Jessica Seinfield, (who wrote Deceptively Delicious, I have tried a lot of the recipes and let’s just say I had to freeze all the chicken because that will be my lunch for the next 356 days. I made like a quadruple batch because I most certainly thought it would be a huge hit.
4) Sometimes, I watch “106 & park’ on BET, in the evenings when they are doing their homework to make sure my Bootie Explosion play list is currently up to date with every “drop it low shawty” jam. Here are a few lyrics I find quite entertaining right now. Yes, I should be hovering over them (my kids, not the Bootie Jams) with a plate of warm cookies, but Momma needs her jams. (“not jellies, jams like JAMZ” or “Jam on it son”) And notice I said “Sometimes.” Although I think Lil Bow Wow is the cutest thing in the world, I do not have time to watch “106 & Park” every night. Please notate these JAMMIN lyrics:
Jason Derulo’s “Talk Dirty to me”
“Been around the world, do not speak the language, but your Booty don’t NEED SPLAININ”
I wonder if my booty don’t need much splainin’ or does my booty leave much to be splained? (that’s me thinking, in non italicized)
Trevor Jackson and B.O.B “Drop It, Drop it, Drop it where you are”
” and she finna drop it low in Bobby Rae BootCamp, Hopping out the old school, let the door slam, She got a fistful, call her Lindsay Both hands”
” Radio say speed it up, and I just go slower,
high like treble, puffin on them mids,the man ain’t never seen a booty like this,
and why you think you keep your name rollin on my tongue, cause when you want to smash I just write another one,
I SNEEZED ON THE BEAT, AND THE BEAT GOT SICKER (THIS IS ME SCRAPPIE, OMG HOW DOPE IS THAT LINE RIGHT THERE!!) .
etc etc etc
5) I say things like “Pretend you are grown like me and your child does not listen to you and you have to ask them 10000000000007 ways to Sunday to clean their room. every. day., how would that make you feel??” I do not think my kids are ready for all the philosophically laden, therapeutic jibber jabber, but it sure as hell does make me feel better to ask them really long questions just to hear myself jibber jabber.*.
*I gleaned the term jibber jabber from the Big Bang Theory, Penny Always tells Sheldon he needs to quit with the jibber jabber.
More jibber jabber on this topic ..later.
Tags: comedy, doer, donter, eminem, funny, humor in parenting, humorous parenting, irony, jogging, laughter, lyrics, mlm, pain and gain, parenting humor, quips of wit, sarcasm, satire, till i collapse
Ill be a passionate, limited filter, motha-jogger, loud~mouthed, edgy, overprotective, fierce warrior, scrappy survivor till I collapse.
And btw that song is my new fave jogging song , . I say jog because I don’t “run” anymore..so maybe I’m not that much of a bad ass.. ‘mae’ juzalil’ (maybe just a little…)
I’m up with the “doers” & over achievers because we gave our kids TOO MUCH FRESH air yesterday and those fools talking about “mommy? MOMMY I’M UP MOMMMY”. My daughter literally woke me up to tell me ” I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM” I shot up in wide eyed “HOLY SHIT GRAB THE PUKE BUCKET SPOCK” panic mode, but thank you lord of the Mondays, she just had to tinkle like a princess.
So yeah, I’m fired up like all these insane motivational speakers hash-tagging the shit out of “doer”, and all those “successories” that make me want to put a hot fork in my eye hole like those bad asses on the Walking Dead. I loathe the term “doer”, I have actually convinced a friend we need to make t-shirts that say “Be a doer”, on the front and “not a donter” on the back, because well, I love irony and sarcasm. And sadly, I will probably motivate people to be even more successful , Oh CRAP, Now I am a motivational writer, with my fancy slogans, (that I stole) and tshirts…. please use pay pal account below to pay 2gs for this seminar.*
I’m fired up to write my ass off this week. Not in here, per-say, so do not expect any more of my fabulous, insightful, motivational, “wide-eyed” “doer” filled blogs. I need to get more accomplished on my book because I think I might be losing brain cells with every time I’m woken up to attend to bathroom duty, find my little pony duty, I had a nightmare because you let me watch the Piranha movie duty or I can’t sleep because you let me drink 6540 Dr peppers duty (albeit anything is better than HOLY SHIT SPOCK BEAM UP THE VOMIT RECEPTACLES duty)… Yes, I’m not even trying for Mom of the Year , so suck it Supermoms. I just want my kids to grow up and be peaceful human beings. Hence, my decision to let my son watch some of the Piranha movie, I thought, “How could this harm his psyche?:”, oh shit. He may never go in a lake again. I may never go in a lake again, Have you seen that freaking movie?? I’m having nightmares now!
Till I Collapse bitches.
“Cause sometimes you just feel tired,
Feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength
And just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up
And not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.”
*I stole the term “donter” from.the movie Pain & Gain”. “DOER” I gleaned from “doing” multi-level marketing, not once BUT TWICE! Yeah, 2xs a charm right?
Tags: alone time, beyonce, comedic writing, darryl, hershel, hip hop, horror movie genre, horror movies, husbands, joel osteen, jon stewart, kids, kings of comedy, parenting advice, passive agressive behavior, political humor, public speaking, rack city, running, stephen colbert, talking on the phone, tdawg, The birds, unsolicited parenting advice, walking dead, writing, zombie apocolypse, zombies
I never really wrote a bio for my Word Press account so here is a quick summary.
I do not like to talk on the phone. I express myself best through words. Yes that means my texts and emails are cumbersome and thesis ridden and I over explain the crap out of everything. This doesn’t mean I don’t talk on the phone or have fabulous conversations , it’s jut not my go-to activity. I express myself best when I am writing. I get tongue tied in conversations and if it’s public speaking, I sweat so profusely, I could probably sell it as a weight loss product like those wrap things. I have a picture but I am not sure if I am ballsy enough to show the armpit Armageddon that occurred on my bright orange shirt after “public speaking”.
I love hip hop all kinds, preferably more old school , something with a good beat and devoid of incessant degradation. Unfortunately, most people that do not actually listen to hip hop think that all hip hop is degrading and full of debauchery and sin. Yes, some of the main stream songs , can be quite dreadful and that is unfortunate, but we live in a complex world. I actually do quite like the song Rack City. Yes, it’s about Strip clubs and yes I listen to it while I’m running and it makes me run faster. I will add I do listen to the clean version so Pearly Gate Gold Star for me! (I do not know why I capitalized that , but I also LOVE and ADORE Joel Osteen, so I’m a bit of an oxymoron at times..I even hear him saying “Oh Lori, (bc he wouldn’t say it Laurie being from Texas and all) “we are all Gods Children and he loves you so and wants the best for you”…. and he would kind of close his eyes when he’s talking to me, if you haven’t seen him preach, It’s pretty cool. I like him. He preaches about hope versus telling the congregation they are going to burn in Hell if they do not donate their life savings or listen to songs like Rack City. *
I am sensitive, passionate , and I have zero directional sense. I mean ZERO> . If I was told I had to make my living via post office routes or bus drive, we would all starve, and your mail and children would be in Siberia. If you look at me wrong, I may try to process why you looked at me wrong for longer amounts of time than a normal person would process as to why you looked at me wrong. If we venture into “hot topic” land, I do see red on three items, unsolicited advice about my family or child rearing ways, political righteousness, and passive aggressiveness. Yes, I have parenting flaws, I am not political ( I have ZERO desire to talk about politics, unless it’s with Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert) and I have I have ZERO TIME to try and figure what your pout-ridden-passive aggressive comment means to me. Luckily most of my close knit friends are up front and honest or just love me so much they never have any issues with me. L.O.L. **
I abhor horror movies; especially about the devil, but I love Zombie Apocalypse genre and I am a huge fan of the Walking Dead. I love the scenery, the cinematography, the artistry, the plot twists and wondering how the lawns stay mowed during an Apocalypse, T Dawg was my favorite, then Hershel, and now Darryl. Unfortunately in an Apocalypse, they like to kill the favorites. One day I would most definitely like to play a Zombie, preferably in the Walking Dead but I haven’t quite got the voice raspy thing down yet. Yes, I am practicing right now. My other favorite horror genre is old movie horror genre, no guts & brains though (oxymoron!) specifically movies like “The Birds”. I liked it because I loved saying “Bodega Bay” like the actresses in the movie, they made smoking fabulous and owned wicked smart suits and exquisitely coiffed hair. (no I don’t smoke but I did and I get it.)
I love a change of seasons, books, shows and movies that make me cry and laugh from my soul, my family (I know cliche but I would be remiss if I did not mention my fams), good food (I like healthy food but if it tastes like the twigs and the earth, I cannot do it), home baked goods from a bakery that uses five ingredients at most, the smell of coffee in the morning, lawn mowers in the summer, intense thunderstorms,young people with their drop tops and loud music, screaming Beyonce songs in the car till my voice hurts, alone time, AND some social time (I have to be balanced in this category or I will go nuts) . I am NEVER bored. When people say they are bored, they need to vacation in my head. Luckily, my kids rarely say it, so I must be doing something right…
Lastly, but not least, I LOVE comedy. Without laughter , I could not survive. It saved me. My teenage years were tumultuous and The Cosby Show got me through some of my roughest times. I had horrific post par-tum psychosis after my first born and The Kings of Comedy was on re-run for 3 months straight while I climbed out of some of my darkest days. My sister told me “You have lost your sense of humor” when I was an anorexic runner in my twenties and that statement propelled me in to recovery (and the fear of dying..) Ok!, I know! this is supposed to be somewhat humorous but I am trying to demonstrate how humor help catapult me out of depression and malady.
This is a snip it of me. Thanks for reading, I have nothing witty to close with because my kids just got off the bus and I just heard “MY EYE MY EYE MY EYE YOU POKED ME IN MY EYE IT HURTS…”
* Rack City Footnote: Seriously, what’s super funny, is someone did a parody on it and it was called Math City, well you really have to listen to the song to appreciate why this is so funny. So when I listen to Rack City, I almost get the giggles so bad, I have to stop running. Interval training tactics? …. And if you listen to the song and hate it, don’t blame me, I didn’t write it. If I did, I’d be on Island Hunters , buying up some Islands and blogging about being on Island Hunters and owning Islands so we would not be having this conversation in my head.
** Diabolically, I used to be passive aggressive with hubs in earlier years. He shuts that mess down quick.