Archive for the ‘happiness’ Category

I have been struggling to keep up with word press and blogging so I apologize if I haven’t seen comments or read blogs in a while!!

If I had less ——(I can’t think of a word to capitalize on what exactly less of I need to write more..), I could write all day , but then I would have nothing to write about because my life is the antithesis of boring, which I am grateful for in every single way. My point is, I’m hard on myself because I feel “behind” on my writing and book but it simply comes down to a catch-22 situation. I have adhd, OCD which drives my chaotic time management skills but it’s also the catalyst for my creativity.

A therapist once asked me in a session “Scrappie😆, do you think most Moms spray their child’s backpacks down with lysol everyday after school?”.
I have come a long way since my lysol-backpack-spraying-clorox-hoarding days, but I have a long way to go when on comes to truly letting go some of the control-mechanisms that I thought kept me sane for so long.

Yesterday my son said “You complicate answers to yes or no questions and you provide too much information”. He’s nine. I’m 42. He gets my brain which is amazingly wonderful but also undeniably frustrating when I am trying to discipline and set guidelines because he mashes on my buttons like a two year old in an elevator on a high rise.

that’s all I got. disjointed. a mess. unedited. done.

I’m too tired to write a blog so I “screenshotted” my instagram sentiments.
I felt it blog-worthy.
questions below are rhetorical and somewhat facetious. I know chickens don’t eat grass. I know as much as I want to know about the war on GMO and I am NOT looking for a debate or an argument with the Food Babe groupies. I’m looking for balance, serenity, peace and not feel like my families insides are rotting from cancer because I eat yogurt and cheese and my kids eat sugar.

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In a world that screams “be better, faster, stronger, thinner, happier, healthier, smarter, bouncier, boingier, etc”, we become our own worst critic. I believe in change, but not when it threatens the acceptance of who we are at¬† our core of beautiful personalities, which makes us special, unique, quirky and dynamic.

The most tumultuous battles I fight are with myself are because I’m not measuring up with what “I think” people need me to be doing, saying or being at this very moment.¬† “PEOPLE PLEASING” is a disease and it can literally kill your soul, your creativity, drive addicts to use again, incite aggression and make people mentally breakdown. I know from experience that when I am not being true to myself and my beliefs and I’m “buying in” to what other people are “selling” (metaphorically and literally) and I am not listening to my gut instincts, I end up in situations of regret and resentment.

Yes, we absolutely need to be considerate, kind and strive to help out our fellows. It is the times when we extend ourselves to others in full self abandonment, we end up on an empty gas tank forgetting to “fill~up” the most important person in the relationship equation, ourselves.¬† Self ~ Love does not mean becoming a doormat for others and saying “yes” to every request and demand. People who truly love us want us to say “No” or let our voices be heard.¬† People who thrive on YOUR “people pleasing”, are not loving you, they are using and manipulating you to gain something for themselves.

So why is Funny Lady Scrappie-Momma being so serious? I have been doing a lot of soul~searching, trying to find the real cause of my anxiety. I , like many, suffer from anxiety, depression and “projectile~future~vomiting”. Trust me , its LIGHT YEARS better than it was in my twenties and even thirties.¬† The truth is, the more peace I feel daily,¬† the more PEACE I need to feel daily,¬† and to shut the mental wars in my mind that occur in my brain.¬† I can create a tornado of distress in the middle of a sunshine filled day if I do not keep the “projectile~future~vomit” “inner voices in check.

I grew up with a lot of chaos. I finally provided a glimpse of my horrendous foster care¬† and schizophrenic Mom stories with my son and his response was “Wow, Mom you are the most interesting person I know!”..Wow, what a revelation,¬† rather than feeling shame or trepidation from my roller coaster childhood, I have amazing knowledge, strength and passion I can share my story in hopes to help others overcome barriers to full inner peace. (book!)¬† For me, when I feel peace, my brain is wired to say “OH SNAP, THIS SHIT ABOUT TO GET REAL, WAIT FOR IT SOMETHING INSANE ABOUT TO POP OFF BRO” (because my inner voice is most definitely a hip hop artist) . The reason my brain is wired like this is because for thirty years, it’s exactly how it happened for me!

In my childhood and through adulthood something “popped off” every one, two, to three years without fail. In a mirage of inconsistency, the one driving constant for me was turbulence.¬† Foster care, death, suicide,¬† divorce, alcoholism, anorexia,¬† etc. etc, either circumstantial or of my own , and at the time I thought, innocuous creations.¬† After 18, I definitely would subconsciously create sabotage, drama and mayhem because I thrived on burning the candle with a million ends. I use the terms innocuous and subconscious because I had developed my very own PHD from the”auto-pilot-drama” academy, where I was the student, teacher and graduate, completely oblivious to the sabotage I created for myself and to those around me.

In closing, this blog post started out as a Facebook post on my blog page I lose people after 140 characters and it took on a venue of its own.¬† The only goal I have for myself is to do things that bring me PEACE. I SIMPLY cannot be the Mom trying to outpace other Mom’s in whatever societal race we have created to raise Super Children. I cannot buy into the sensationalistic articles ( if you read them all, which I did for two years as a “health~coach”)¬† ,after all deductions and conclusions of said reading, I surmise facetiously, Organic Kale is the only food that won’t kill us. As Jim Gaffigan so eloquently stated in his recent stand up Obsessed, “Kale tastes like bitter spinach and hair”, and¬† after MANY attempts to try and like Kale, I have to agree. I just don’t like kale.

 

 

 

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I recently saw a few blogs on why Facebook is literally causing depression. I get it.¬†¬† We only show the highlight reel and for someone who may not be having ANY highlight reel to show at this very moment, it is depressing.¬† Its like the time when my husband brought me¬† six magazines of “How Celebrities got their¬† Body back in 2 days After Baby” , after my second child (It truly was honest mistake, really, I told him to grab me celebrity-gossipy-mindless magazines and apparently it was Baby season).

It may be the linked articles to warn people of the dangers of the world that are causing anxiety and depression. Some of them help me; for example, there was one about how to spray my children with vinegar to ward of ticks and  that calmed my bug phobia for about five seconds. There are certain articles that I am very happy to read and there are certain articles I do not  need to be reading because it just feeds  my phobia and anxiety.

Listed below are what goes on behind all my ¬†gleeful pictures.¬†¬† I’m guilty of only posting the highlight reel on Facebook (or Instagram) because that’s human nature. ¬†Although, I do post pictures of toilet paper rolls and paper towel rolls not on their appropriate rod because we are much too busy of a family to be bothered with all that nonsense.

1) My kids only brush their teeth once a day. I’m working on it, it just is what it is right now.

2) I use real cream and drink real coffee in the morning. GASP. ¬† For me, it’s more than coffee, It’s about memories, the aroma, the greetings to my children as I’m pouring a cup “GET UP NOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!”, choosing the perfect cup, the sip/slurp sound, the deep breaths, did I already say the aroma?¬†¬†¬† With the advent of our society fighting obesity (which I think is awesome), people are giving up EVERYTHING but nuts and twigs.¬† For me,¬† ¬† I HAVE to be in the middle of the road, the clown in the passenger seat in the way back of the tiny car, and on the Wall of Gaylord (see Meet the Fockers) when it comes to just about anything.¬†¬† (elaboration below)**

3) I do not sit up straight at the computer.¬† I have improved my posture overall (because it used to be atrocious) but at the computer , when I’m in the zone, like a computer programmer (which I am not AT ALL ,see previous blogs, re computer murderer), I end up slouching , a lot , mostly because I can’t see the screen very well which brings me to …..

4) I really need to be wearing reading glasses because I squint a lot at the computer too; hence the reason why I can’t sit perfectly straight at the perfect distance from the computer.¬† Like right now, I’m really trying, man.

5) My kids are not voracious readers, writers, athletes, “mathletes”, gymnasts,¬† or dancers. They play in the soccer league that gives out trophies for showing up and yes I have read the articles about how “awful” some people think giving out trophies to everyone is for a child. Really? that is what you think is awful with our society?¬† Trust me, my kids face plenty of rejection and obstacles, I am not too worried about “trophy disease” harming their adulthood.¬†¬†¬† My opinion is PUSHING them ¬† 24/7 is only going to backfire.¬† I do involve them in sports etc, and have them read and write some in the summer, but it is light years away from any kind of Tiger Mom style of parenting, or even in my neighborhood for that matter.

6)   I do not have an elaborate chore system for my children.    I keep it extremely basic. No fancy Pint-rest boards of chores with bedazzled clothes pins and 4-D stickers and mishmashes of crafts that mark their achievements in CHORE-LAND.  I HAVE TRIED WITH CHORE-LAND and almost super-glued myself to the chore chart.  We ended up with a skinny lizard (he goes on hunger strikes)  because of Crafty Chore time.   Right now, I have a sticky note on the fridge that indicates, they can earn one dollar for three basic chores, and one of them is cleaning their room which some people think is ridiculous.  I grew up with way more chores than I personally think should have been placed on a young child, and for the most part, it did not really help prepare me for much of anything other than anxiety about germs.

7)¬† On the flip side, I’m terrified to let my nine year old ride around the neighborhood with his friends. Most kids my son’s age in are riding their bikes in the neighborhood,¬† and I do not know where I stand with this right now. I trust him, it’s the cars going 75 miles an hour on a a subdivision strip, I do not trust.¬† I am NOT judging the moms that allow their kids to do this at ALL. I know it’s my own fears and¬† trepidations, all I am saying is I am working through this debacle as we speak, right now.

8) I a bit of a “yeller.” Yes, when I get frustrated, especially in the summer, I do yell , maybe at the computer, or at the mess, or even at the kids.¬† I do not scream, or maybe once or twice ;), but I do raise my voice. I try to get down on their level, but I’m human and I get frustrated and I yell.

9) I can not fix my daughters hair. Giant bows fall out. Braids look like dread locks.  9/10, even if I do get it right , she has it all in her face within an hour.

10) Even though I have a phobia of my house being “clean”, it’s usually fairly messy. My kids are messy.¬† It’s very strange, the toilets are sparkling, but my house is kind of messy,¬† compared to images we see on Facebook. I’m guilty , I showed an immaculate picture of my son’s room after I re-organized one fall., Seriously, it stayed like that for five minutes, and then I get frustrated and yes I yell,¬† because their rooms get messy all, the time, but I don’t give them a trophy¬† for cleaning their room.

I guess I need to make an more elaborate chore chart for the whole family.

Footnotes:

* I actually try to use with coconut creamer and coconut sugar mixed with regular cream, (I know it’s highly complicated scenario but have you read my blogs? ) to be “more healthy”.

**Articles, blogs & Memes that center on “perfection”, ¬†“No Excuses”,¬†¬† “Train Lean, Eat Clean”, “ABS are made in the kitchen” ,”Accept nothing less than the BEST”, etc etc, ¬†usually end up hidden in my news feed. I get it, it’s my issue.¬† I am a recovering anorexic and recovering alcoholic. I simply can not get caught up in feeling like who I am or what I am doing is less than what I should be doing at any given time or I will want to go back to bad habits. I applaud the 18 ab~ pack mom with 75 kids who works out¬† relentlessly and runs her own MLM business then captions it with a “What’s Your Excuse” Meme, BRAVO, but it does NOTHING to inspire me.

1) I cried laughing when the teacher/ DJ played Jimmy Buffet’s “Jamaica Mistakia,” at the 3rd grade Luau and “A++hole” & “s**tty” were not edited out. That was hours ago and I’m still laughing uncontrollably. No one else was amused. Actually, I don’t think they heard it which I find EVEN FUNNIER.

2) I did not wear my flowing Luau attire, with my gold~lamey~boot~thong (no, not that kind silly) sandals. I wore shorts that I do not remember being as short last year. Either my legs grew (at age 42??) Or my child bearing hips came in nine years too late. And I wore ridiculously high wedges.

3) My sun glasses are NOT cool. Maybe that’s because I have been banned from buying “designer” shades since I misplace, break or dive off boats with them on my head into giant lakes. That’s another blog. Needless to say, my dollar store shades make me look very non~PTO~ish and quite frankly, I don’t think they protect my eyes. I have a screaming headache either from them squeezing my head or them not even shielding the sun.

4) I asked if I could drink one of the bottled waters, under the snack tent, and I felt like I walked up holding Joe Biden’s hand at a Republican convention.

5) I do not say things like “How are you doing baby doll sugar pie honey sweetie” or “Let’s all make sure we make good choices during musical chairs” I’m like “Whatz up son, don’t act a fool now.”

6) I do not hide my discontent if some kid is mean to my kid. I will speak to your child directly about this matter, and there will be no “oh honey child sweetheart” used in my verbiage. No worries, I do not use profanity, but I’m pretty stern. That’s another blog as well,  but it may reason why I have not been “asked” to run for PTO President.

7) I’m really not that social. Yes, I have friends, and I will absolutely make small talk with other Moms, but I do not greet other gold~-lameyed~sandaled Moms with “Heyyyyyy babycakes sugarplums ITSOOOOONICETOSEEEYOUUUUUU” accompanied by giant bear hugs etc etc..Chances are I know you as “so & so’s Mom” and I’m embarrassed because I should probably know your name by now.

8) I do not like bouncy houses. They freak me out, so if I were on the PTO, they would be banned. I would nomister the ban,  second the nomination and ban bouncy houses. I would be known as the PTO Mom who ruined School Parties. I strongly dislike clowns as well….Who held hands with Joe Biden stealing bottled waters at the Republican Convention.

9) I just don’t think I have PTO hair. I can fix the front, but the back of my head, usually lacks any type of “stylin'”. I’m always transfixed by how some of these PTO moms look like they had literally every. Piece. Ironed. Flat. OR expertly. Crafted. Into~a ~”messy”~ curl.

10) I kind of have a two hour window on when I feel like Im going to pass out from exhaustion from being around so many children. I’ve tried. I substituted , I even did Vacation Bible School once (Gasp! I know right? I’m kinda shocked I didn’t spontaneously combust in the church recreational room either!!).  I just don’t have the “you aren’t making good choices” fortitude or DNA. Quite frankly, I most certainly did not make good choices as I child. I was kind of a rebel. A free spirit. A clown. (And I strongly dislike clowns!!); therefore I do not think its wise I direct groups of “youngins” in this manner. 

If you know my blogs, you know I still have not received the manual from the hospital whence my children were born, because the only one I have stopped at three months,!!

“Ok kids! Time for your bottle!!!”

Disclaimer. Please. Do. Not. Take. This. Seriously
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1) My kids slept in outfits below and ate cookies for breakfast.

2) My intention was to get everyone to cute little church at and of the road to get OUR PRAISE ON SON!,¬† today…but,

3) I slept in, ate three breakfasts, watched Adam Sandburg close the season of Saturday Night Live instead.
PS, I only let kids watch a teeny snip it, because I’m a good Mom :)

4) I am on my 5th cup of coffee and have accomplished Zero chores or tasks and I have zero plans to drink a healthy greencrimefightingdeathdryinglifechanging smoothie today.

5) I ALMOST deleted my Joel Olsteen tapings to make room on DVR (by accident!!).  I just love that guy, I will watch later, on my seventh cup coffee.

6)..I overreacted in yelling at my husband telling him not to overreact at my overeactions. Right? ,sounds like a 10th grade math~philosophy test question.

7) I have been brushing my teeth with a
Tiana and The Frog toothbrush designed for four year olds, all week and my new toothbrush is still downstairs on the kitchen counter.

8) I spent way too much time reading about the JayzSolangeBey Gate conundrum versus reading about our local Political candidates.

9) Wait, I don’t regret # 8. Politics is like brushing your teeth with said tootbrush coated in sand, grit, oreos, and mayonnaise.

10) I literally cannot  think of a #10 because I am that unproductive today so I have left my adoring fans with only 9 reasons..maybe 8, because 9 technically does not even count.

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I spent a life time doing this, but not anymore.

If I’ve learned ONE thing, make changes to love and accept yourself but do not bend with the societal wind that tells you that you need a product, a thing, a drink, a drug or whatever, to be better.

I’m a slow learner, I’m stubborn, I may make the same mistake a hundred times before I learn the message; YET, this lesson right here, may be the most important one I have learned. Changing your perception of oneself is an inside job and it may be the most important one you ever have in your life!

If you change to be accepted by or be like others ~ it’s like flat ironing your hair, in the shower, while using curl enhancer all at the same time! I plead the fifth as to whether I have attempted the¬† aforementioned shower~flat~ironing insanity.

My kids are pictured because I learn so much from their acceptance of themselves and their unabashedly contentious nature to grab life by the horns and not let GO; no matter who tells them what they can and cannot do,including their MOM!!  aka scrappiemomma!

I aim protect them, I make A LOT OF MISTAKES, I’m impatient, I’m scrappie, I’m messy, sometimes I lack the polished filter that most suburban moms seem to carry around like a pink hammer of grace and poise. I feel like I eff up any type of school event or extra curricular activity as in “Um ? wtf am I supposed to be doing because the hospital manual stopped at three months and I’m flying blind?”( case in point ~ forgetting to dress my daughter in her dance costume, for DRESS REHEARSAL because I apparently I didn’t comprehend even the title of the email “DRESS REHEARSAL”. These types of clueless mom shenanigans happen more frequently than expected, and I don’t even drink….)

I’m drifting off tangent a bit. My point, I try to shield them too much from the aching hurts of the world all while knowing that I have to let them spread their wings to ready themselves for a world that in one breath is as miraculous as it is cruel. I guess what I truly wish, through my unwavering love and guidance, is I never, ever, ever break their tenacious spirit or their acceptance of themselves at their inner core, because, that my friends, is the key to true, inner peace.

My 2 cents today.