I have been trying to limit my time on Facebook because it sucks my serenity like a Dyson Vaccum Cleaner without the ability to empty the dust. I spent a mere 20 minutes on Facebook today and listed below are all the horrors I have thus learned:
1) Dead bunnies at Whole Foods as a meat product.
2) Fake olive oil at Whole Foods AND PAUL NEWMAN’S company. I buy Newman’s Own Products because all their profits go to charity and I can eat as much as I want because “it’s all natural”
. (insert sarcasm re “all natural”…)
3) I do not even shop at Whole Foods and I’m pissed. I do buy Newman’s Own stuff as aforementioned because of the charity thing. Do not burst my bubble if you are a Newman Whistle blower.
4) A New York times article about “moral facts not being taught in the classroom.” I could not read the whole article because I felt as though I might be gaining actual knowledge, culture and insight.
As my brain cells started to churn with actual interesting information – FROM A LINKED ARTICLE ON FACEBOOK..My shallow fingers danced on Google for the latest Kim/Kayne/Queen Bae/Taylor/Iggy scandal or for any GIF of “cats acting like jerks” (because that isht is funny!!) …..just to kill off my confused, educated and culturally charged brain cells. Phew. That was a close one, Teach.
5) Moral outrage over moral outrage over lack of moral outrage over moral outrage over everyones’ lack of perceived moral outrage ON FACEBOOK? . Fo. realz.
6) Whistle blowers blowing on whistle blowers inability to blow whistles whilst thinking EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET IS TRUE.
I watched the end of “Argo”, three times this weekend because I am homesick for:
natural feathered hair.
fabulous hair without a pintrest board as guidance.
bad movies. (not Argo but fake ‘Argo’)
SMOKING being a “bad for you” sexy vice
..For example , Nowadays , if I have a diet coke, I hide, because my health friends may capture me and make me do keg stands with a celery kale cleanse smoothies for a week.
7) A gym selfie of a ripped couples’ abs causing the washboard thingy in my laundry room to uncontrollably weep in convulsions, all while consuming the rest of my chocolate and diet coke stash.
8) The comments section on any article/blog that is not about fluffy puppies and rainbows.
9) Parenting epiphanies. I do NOT understand how anyone with children have an epiphany.
-everyone is alive not in the ER.
-less than five curse words exclaimed in a twelve hour period
-no one is projectile puking on that one last clean carpet space OR silver lining, -Puker-child makes it to the bathroom AND to the ter-lit. (that’s country for toilet)
10) Cryptic, passive-agressive philosophical posts that end with a prayer. I am pretty sure Jesus does not have time for decoding Facebook posts and please stop tagging Him unless IT’S REALLY IMPORTANT.
He’s my co-pilot and asked me to pass along # 10, via WordPress , not Facebook.
I never know how to end a blog and should Facebook/facebook be capitalized?