Archive for the ‘fitness’ Category

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Mom Bod is a thing that  birthed from Dad Bod. I know this because I read it on twitter and Huffington Post and everything on there is 100  percent  true and accurate and wonderful and amazing and salt-of-the-earth-raw, like the  kale chips I tried to make and almost killed my family from the smell of dying free-range kale.

Brief background, When I turned 39, I decided it would be a fantastic  idea to break into the fitness industry. Yes, a few people who know that I can be a bit sensitive about, um my body, gave me direction and of course I got pissed, took it all the wrong way and said “Ill show the world I can be the next female Billy Blanks. Homeslices of Cheese.” Yes, I said “Homeslices of Cheese”. Needless to say, I certified myself in fitness “stuff”,  including “Insanity”, which ironically I went a little insane with all of it.
… (..my monkeys and circus -No blame on the industry at all..got mad love and mad respect for the fitness industry)

I absorb everything all at once and I am a recovering anorexic; hence, it is easy to connect the dots on how this played out in my life.   I felt unbelievably inadequate  and conversely , I recognized I was more of a “behind the scenes” kind of person.   Finally, in my forties (EARLY FORTIES !!!) , I am okay with not having phenomenal , leadership,  managerial, and “teacher-like” skills. It’s just not my thing,  and that is OKAY. Can you imagine if everyone wanted to be a leader ? or go viral? or be the best? oh wait. Yes, the internet.

I digress. Look, there are so many articles and blogs and experts and diet commercials and foods and trends and kale recipes that are bombarded into the atmosphere, it becomes difficult to know how to stay or progress into a more healthy lifestyle (based on where you are at at this moment ).  I believe that you have to find what works for you. Yoga. Pilates. Dance. Prance. Lift. Shift. Bike. Run..Jog. Crawl. Walk. Paleo. Food Pyramid. Vegan. Vegetarian. Flex-Mex-Italian-Scallion-Caesar-Salad-omg-imhungrywhosecooking.

Take today for example. I used to be an a runner. Then I fell in  love with kick boxing. I don’t like Yoga, I “so you think you can not dance”.   I do not feel like running today because it’s 88 and humid, and   my knees are screaming, so I went to Pinterest and picked a quick 15 minute workout, did very BASIC yoga, played some ‘jamz’ and danced liked no one was watching… (because no one was watching.

For me , I choose exercise based on how it makes me feel and focus less on which body part I am toning and sculpting. I used to be highly consumed with making sure I was targeting all my “trouble spots” and it just got less important as I started to focus on my inner peace, soul and beauty. (WOW that is some ‘Namaste’  type dialogue right here!)

I totally understand the need to attack those love handles and pooch and cellulite , but I am done worrying about what truly has no impact on my overall health. There is not risk associated with having love handles , stretched out stomach skin or cellulite.  Do I want to feel good about myself and my appearance ? Hell Yes. Do I want let the obsession of looking supremely fit and trim take over my life and monitor very morsel of food I ingest  into my body?  Hell no.

Maybe this is a love letter to my love handles, extra skin, cellulite or whatever perceived flaw I have imposed upon my beautiful , amazing , womanly , sometimes reflective white , sometimes “oh CRAP, how did I miss that spot  with sunscreen” ..body. This is a love letter to all my home-girls/moms/ladies/young ladies (and boys/ men because I know society can be rough on you  too ) to take a few  minutes to look in the mirror and say five things you love about yourself and your body.

Also, if your don’t like kale or bison or goji-chia-flax  energy bites or shakes that taste like the ash of the original bubonic plague , IT’S OKAY.  Find what makes you feel healthy and good from the inside to the outside. Trust me, if your make the first move towards choosing healthier options , your body will tell you if what your need daily. And sometime that may be ‘gmo-d inorganic, salty, yet sweet maple bacon Chipotle chipped ice cream.”‘  It’s when we follow what other people tell us how to eat or we exercise in a manner that is truly hurting us because” so and so said it was the best “; is when we go against who we are at our core and THAT person (YOU)  should be “like a boss”, in ALL decisions for our body.

I was inspired to write this blog through the Mommitment Movement, because loving my Mom Bod, helps other Moms love their Mom Bods from the inside to the outside.  When we do not feel confident about our bodies and our lives, it drains out the energy we need to be supportive of each other and be whole to our family.  I honestly can not put that into words as well as I would like, but it’s all inter-wined.  Click the image below to find out more about Mommitment and how every little bit of effort will help unite moms/parents/grandparents/aunts etc, everyone who is helping to raise children!!

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I have gained a few lbs. I will always have food and body image demons.

Here’s the thing..It’s not about  narcissism..I honestly don’t give two shits about what you think of my body. It’s about control, and as a mom of two growing kids in a society where “what’s up is down” with every new food and medical break-through,  it’s a “cotter-jammed” miracle my head hasn’t spontaneously combusted  at the market. Yes , I said cotter-jammed.

When I was anorexic,  I knew I looked like a scary-zombie-Batshit-crazy person. It had nothing to do with my  appearance , and everything to do with being in control because if I could make that number on the scale go down, anything was worth that 33 second blip of relief, even if it was encapsulated  in “Shit, Im on the crazy train now!”.

As a mom,  control over my weight has everything to do with the anxiety I feel  for NOT having control over  the painful obstacles my kids may face in society. I know shielding them from all pain is nonsensical and counter productive, but it  is NOT counter-intuitive.

It’s in my genetic-mom- makeup to hold on until deeper wrinkles set into my “OMG AM I DOING THIS RIGHT?” face.  It’s in my gut to worry about whether or not some bully may crush their spirit at any given time. It’s par  for the course , to wish we could just skip middle school because of all the horror stories unleashed into the cyber atmosphere.

I know it’s counter-productive to obsess over weight as a means to control life. I know this at so many levels I can’t  express in words. I know it’s a combination  of my ADHD that causes me panic because I absorb every health and fitness article as a criticism  towards my own perceived body inadequacies. I don’t  know, why some days , it’s not even a blip on the radar,  and other days , I move my scale all around the house until I receive an acceptable  number. I do know that if I write  “it” out,  I can level my brain to move forward , lighten the eff up, and focus on what really matters…”What’s for lunch today? “

Extreme Health fanatics are driving away the people that need the most help with the catchy article titles below:

“Five foods to NEVER EAT EVER!”

” Eat this and your kids will have cancer for sure! ”

” What are you  feeding your child? ?? They are destined to be drug addicts!”

“Hey! You want flat abs?? buy these teeny tiny portioned containers and you will achieve the success you have always imagined!”

Yes.  I’ve embellished a bit, but sadly , I haven’t embellished  too  much with my titles.

Health is a  mind-body connection and an inside to the outside job.  If the health /wellness /fitness industry used their 50 billion*  dollars a year on promoting a solution for the overall mind-body connection on how to develop a healthy relationship  with food, we would see a major shift in health problems linked to obesity or poor lifestyle choices.

Please stop equating a ripped stomach, cellulite free , and insanely muscular person, as the epitome of health. Every day I see food-policing-posts and medical-black-ops blogs  via the interwebs and it must drive eating-disordered behavior because people truly believe that these “opinions” are FACTS.

I wish someone would do a study on the link between a person who scours the internet for tips on weight loss or how to shed those last 5 lbs, and eating disorders.  There must be a scary link between people who follow unrealistic body imagery with misguided  enthusistic “eat-this-not that”  and  disordered eating and exercise habits. From my experience,  scouring fitness magazines and hanging with people who exercised obessively, fueled my 80 lb-track-running-frame.

For example, I just saw a  fitness person post  – she ate 15 or 20
” health cookies” in one sitting and it was “ok” because she had “flat abs”  a  gazzilion followers applauding this logic.   I also saw another fitness  person post an image of a child smoking , equating this to giving a child sugar.  This “shock and awe”, unrealistic- body imagery  sends a  message that is sure to confuse the vulnerable or the person who has tried everything else and needs to be plastered  with a “call you action”.
Sadly, it’s this type of unbalanced,  injudicious  message  that brings in the most bank and publicity.

I ranged  20 -40 bs lighter (anorexic for a time ) drinking diet soda, way too much booze and smoking cigarettes. Oh and I ran a shit ton of miles. When I wasn’t anorexic,  I was asked   if I was a professional athlete or a ballet dancer. When we use weight and outward body appearance  as the only measurement of health it’s   like judging a car’s safety by its exterior appearance.

Typically my posts are more light hearted and funny. Honestly,  I am 43, my wieght has fluctuated a bit recently and I’m just so f…ING tired of seeing this shit on the Interwebs over and over again, because it makes me feel bad for having love handles for the 2nd time in my life (1st time. I was a baby…OK maybe I had them after babies too :))

I really  try to hold back on “ranting” but a close friend of mine told me that she finds writing  out her grievances  , even in a public forum , to be cathartic.  I go back and forth between being 
open and honest to covering up some of my “pain” with laughter……. Therefore,  please be thankful I’m not blogging my journal entries. ☺

*I’m guessing, but I have written  on this topic before and it’s very close to that number and I’m too laden down my bad eating habits to go look it up right now.😬

Recently my husband and I watched “The Theory of Everything” *( this blog isn’t about the movie, but there is a quote in there that resonated with me with regards to the word – ambitious. or driven. or successful. )

In the movie,  a character is having a conversation with Stephen Hawking and he quietly states, “I am not really ambitious”.  (no spoiler alerts)  Regardless of the fact that British Accents always sound bloody ambitious to me, I thought about that actual statement for quite some time after the movie (and the movie itself, because if it doesn’t stay with you for a bit, you are dead inside).

This character was a sweet , caring, loving individual and made his own contributions to society; irregardless of the societal definition of ambition. It is an internal battle for me as a -stay at home mom, as fulfillment of domestic duties are not associated with success, unless the domestic person is juggling a “successful” career in adjunct to the proverbial tasks of daily domestic labor.

Be more.
Eat better
Exercise more.
Sacrifice more.
Give more.
Buy my product and you will be MORE.
Sell more.
Do more with Less.
Win more.
Schedule more.
Make your children do more.
Make your children do more
with less

Cotton-Grammit. Head Explosion !

This is only a fraction of the message that is being constantly pulsated into our brains with lightening speed via our “out dated” six month old smart phones. Every technology item we purchase is “less of more” , five minutes after we walk out of the store. It makes my Rolodex-information-absorbing-brain throb like bee stung skin and it makes me miss my neon cord-forever girl, phone – I could walk outside and like do shit , with a cord!!

I worked for Corporate America for ten years then subsequently, spent countless hours trying to master part-time incomes that didn’t net a lost profit while raising kids. From these experiences, I learned –
Be thankful for how much you’ve LEARNED, celebrate WHO you have and WHO you are – at this very moment or you will ALWAYS chase “more” with reckless abandonment.

…..And you may acquire the Victor Newman middle-brow-wrinkle-scowl.

I am utterly exhausted from beating myself up for not wanting to be the societal definiton of ambitious.   A  “leader of leaders”,  a DKNY power-suited-boss-woman with stacked heels and Burberry glasses trying to break the glass ceiling.  ( I am sure I am ‘off the mark’ on today’s’ Corporate fashions). I am advocate to improve upon that which makes us a more responsible productive member of society. At the same time, I thrive and value life so much more when I incorporate acceptance into the equation, every, single, day.

Often acceptance is confused with settling or complacency, and contentment with idleness; while success and ambition are associated with self-worth and value. Have you ever been around a person who never stops talking about what they are not “doing”?. (me. somedays , ask my husband ..it’s exhausting for him too). I have made strides in being content with the here and now and I work on the gift of contentment and acceptance , daily.

Have you ever clicked on social media to find a stream of ab-encrusted Mommies planking on a trampoline guard rail, holding three babies, while
podcasting her 60- point-take-away-success-story captioned “What’s your scuse’ bishes? ” (yes. I embellished. Since when is NOT having a 15 pack ab sack and a cellulite less bootie – an ‘scuse’?)

Thanks to society’s relentless equation of “bangin’ bodies = successful, ‘scuse-less’ ,’bitchin’ glass ceiling smashin’ beach babes, I am a tad bit obessed on the matter. I had a therapist make me tear up all my fitness magazines in a session , it was quite theraputic, I highly reccomend this activity.
*I don’t know why I am excessively using air quotes and slang, I apologize to all the grammar experts in advance.

Nonetheless, I associated “lack of ambition” with lazy. I am far from lazy. I have a pretty hefty case of ADD, or ADHD or my hyper-focused-rolo
dex-multi-faceted-thoughts-of-mayhem. I have 50 post notes on any given surface on any given day and at least 15 alarms and reminders on my “outdated smart phone” (outdated because it’s only a year old!!???) I remind myself to disallow ADHD as a crutch or an excuse. It sparks amazing creativity , sensitivity and an ability to see and absorb the world in the most unique way.

Yesterday, I told my daughter I couldn’t go outside and play on a gorgeous day because “I had too much to do, honey”.
I regret that comment and I wish I had just “shut-off” the “BE MORE” voices and went outside with my baby girl.
Thankfully , today is splendiferous and although we have a doctor’s appointment for her possible allergic reaction to to the outdoor rain storm of pollen (a little catch -22 :)) , I will simply be more present with my children today.

Here is my version of ambition and splendiferous because it’s such a fabulous word:

Listen more
Breath deeply
Hear the sounds
Smell the breeze
Eat from hunger
Enjoy your food
Practice self-care
Give because you want too
Take in the surroundings
Remove the garbage
Compete with yourself
Follow your passion
Do what feels right and healthy
See the beauty
Do less of what robs your soul
Do more of what feeds your soul
Replace comparison with gratitude

and

Say splendiferous 50 x in a row :)

1) The Food Police.

I was the captain of this squad a few times in my life and it’s a  miserable SkinnyBitch journey. I don’t want to eat like a caveman, I choose civilization. I don’t want to hear about your macros, I eat from intuition from a healthy mind-body connection. This may include a Bomb-ass-leafy-green-mack-daddied avacado-oed-nut-jobbed salad and other days it may be maple bacon chips. I like my lower ab pooch. In fact, I used to help my son learn to spell the word – absorb-. I kept saying “My abs have an Orb”. I have a 2 pack over a pooch and it’s unique. I like grains and dairy. If you like grains and dairy, eat them unless A DOCTOR WITH A MEDICAL DEGREE HAS DIAGNOSISED YOU WITH AN FREAKING FOOD ALLERGY.
P.S.A =. Anything in excess is bad for you, even kale.

Yes. America has a love affair with processed foods but if you truly want to assist people or need guidance in your health journey , avoid sanctimonious lectures of sensationalism sprinkled with shock and awe cupcake jimmies.

2) People who have zero respect for healthy boundaries.

The people who manipulate and bring guilt coupled with self-pity as a response to the answer : “No”.
Think Kathy Bates from Misery, she clearly missed Oprah’s class on healthy boundaries. Or Rosamund  Pike from Gone Girl for a more contemporary  example.

3) Uber-Ass-Social Media Posts.

I  have ZERO DESIRE to see your butt cheeks and their bouffant-buoyancy in direct correlation with the three-hour squat session at the gym. America is obessed with “dat-azz” and apparently  it needs to be plastered all over social media from your local gym. Too much ass is never a good thing. ☺

4) Unsolicited  Parental Advice.

Imparted wisdom from the Moms who think “they know best”. If a child’s behavior , (or whatever the hell else parents debate via the comments section on facebook  these days )  DOES NOT AFFECT YOUR CHILDREN,  avoid the ‘def-com-WW3-super-mom-thesis’ on the subject .

Also – side note- DONT READ THE COMMENTS SECTION ON ANY VACCINATION -BLOGS or you will weep deeply for humanity.

5) People who think their Political Opinions are FACTS.
Next.

6) Unhealthy mind-set.

We have to feel our feelings and we have to express our emotions  but we do not have to tolerate negative “self-talk.” You are betraying your growth when you push your emotions to the dark side. (yes… like Darth, he really needed positive self-talk-book-on-tapes for the Death Star; before he burned up planets and shit …)

We all have the choice to get help for our anger. There are loads of free services for you if you live in constant disparity , sadness and “flip-your-shit rage.” I work on this one daily.

7) Poor self-care.

Taking care of yourself  is the BIGGEST gift you can give to yourself and your loved ones. Society confuses  self-care with selfishness. Do not listen to the voices or the people who tell you to sacrifice self -care FOR ANYTHING.

8) People who do not see the humor in life.

Run. Sprint. Hide. Honestly,  when I was flat-out “broken” by life,  my sister  said one thing that made me scratch my way back out of my hole. “The saddest thing for me, honey, is that you lost your sense of humor and the seriousness of life has destroyed your light”. Yes, life is serious, but if you are blocked from the spark, the laughter,  the beauty – binge watch any of the following:
Big Bang Theory
Blackish
Modern Family
The Goldberg
Fresh of the Boat

or read my blogs. I’m hysterical.

9) Road Ragers.

(metaphorically as well) The world is dangerous (if you don’t have those boundaries! !:)) and there is nothing to gain by engaging with a madman. /or woman if I am to be politically correct. Think Rosamund Pike again because her persona exists and she probably drives a meticulously clean volvo.

10) Excess.

If you never feel mentally full, take time to relish in the memories or be present  or find a happy scent or go hug a puppy. Of course, we all want to live a comfortable life with the blessings of modern day society (remember self-care!!) but check yourself before you purchase that 17th pair of shoe-boot sandals or the 25th pair of “ripped” vintage  jeans because holey jeans and holey boots won’t fill emotional holes. ( and they are extremely impractical and polarzing in various climates. They have an identity crisis. )

Mental health is the foundation for all other health in your body.

peace & love -now go practice one small self -care action!!

I am both relieved and saddened that I have more energy when I am not exercising as if I’m in  the Cross Fit Reebox commercial. As much as I have that badassery  within the tire-flippin’ part of my brain, I have to quiet the competitive  need to burn as many calories as everyone I see on Facebook. Or Run  as many miles.
Or plank as many minutes .
Or break my gammies antique stools. from trying to do Yoga Handstands.
or bake as many super  food power protein Chia seeded coconut ed non GMO cheese it free pancakes.

Moderation comes as easy to me as social boundaries come to Kayne  West. I never learned moderation and I only knew how to live within the extreme manifests of my soul. I was only living when I was burning all 60 wicks of the candle.

Now,  I am most at peace with my soul , when I find fulfillment in the concept of “I am Enough”.  This concept is NOT to be confused with stagnation and complacency, it only means that I can feel more peace by striving for less competition between me and who?,

The younger  version of myself?
The Career  mom?
The Organic mom?
The perfect chocolate chip cookie mom?
The Intellectual mom?
The Mom who isn’t scared of 50 shades of Grey?

No, I am NOT labeling  other moms,  I am labeling what I PERCEIVE  myself to be in my doe-eyed quest for that healthy recipe with the perfect flu fighting antioxidants….

my quest to feel whole.
my quest to scream “I HAVE A JOB!!!”
my quest to fight  against the proverbial chameleon  mold-fitting  stereotype of jello molded suburbia.
my quest to not feel like I’m schizophrenic – ally split  between mom. wife. friend. sister. daughter. mean mom. nice mom. inconsistent mom. messy mom. clean mom.

That’s all.

I’m going to try and “blurp” 3x a week, without giving an “eff” about grammar..verb agreement. & opinions. word count. and just “write”.

We all have bad habits.  My worst habit (right now)  is thinking that if I “miss” something on my phone , the world might implode, as though, I’m an omnipotent-phone-puppet master.  There are some amazing benefits of smart phones, that have helped me tremendously in my life  I simply need to make a few tweaks for balance:

I absorb EVERYTHING as though it is directed at me personally that I need to change in my life. 15 pack abs?  Gifted writing skillzzz? Poetry slam master? Home Business Mogul? Super Mom Pintrest Planner? Kick box Dancing Runner? Yoga-Pilates-Yoda-Mind-Bender? Motivational Speaker who can Rap the Psalms?  Traveling Comedian Nurse to terminally ill patients? Doctors without Borders WHO CREATE Peaceful borders through their Martha-Stewar- Dali- Lammad approach to packing perfect  Bento lunches?

SERIOUSLY !$@!!  I SEE THIS s$/# ON THE INTERNET or the Inter Webs or The Freaking Matrix itself and think “I NEED TO SIGN UP FOR THIS SEMINAR NOW SO I CAN DO THAT THING SO I CAN SAVE THE WORLD FROM THE EBOLANIAN POLAR VORTEX with the ADAM LEVINE PROACTIVE VACCINE”

Ask my husband how many “seminars” I have asked to purchase or how many “careers” I have pursued in our blissful 11 years of marriage. He may have to pull out a counting machine thingy .

You are probably thinking:

a) “You have a God Complex”
b) “You have  ADD”
c) “You need to get a job”
d) “Wow! I am exactly like you”
e) “Here is the number to my shrink”
f) “Have you tried Zoloft?”
g) “Oh Snap! My Kohls Cash EXPIRES TODAY”

Honestly, they are probably all true except I already used my Kohls cash as I had 56 reminders on my phone and 670 sticky notes on my fridge.   Additionally, I  do have many ‘jobs’ and I am never, ever, ever bored.  You will never hear me utter those words “I Am bored”. Have you read my blogs?

For the most part B) (ADD)  trumps most of my “bad” habits. However B) also trumps my good habits and stimulates my creativity AND I’M  convinced I’m the #1 rated sitcom in Heaven based on how I go about my daily tasks. I KNOW! , for certain God is not going to discontinue programming on my ADD, because He is roaring with raucous laughter  and it makes me, ME I’m freaking hysterical, just simply waking up in the morning.:)

I’m so incredibly tired of feeling like I need to be “fixed”. I’m tired of feeling guilty for having severe ADD (I have been tested,  it’s off the charts ).  I REFUSE to use any of my defects, ailments or ADD as a crutch or an excuse for accomplishing my own individual goals. One of which is to write a damn book. I say damn because I have stopped and started for some many innocuous reasons,and it causes me to say “damn” a lot

I do not want to be cured, scanned or medicated. (I do take Zoloft because I have tried life with out it and let’s say, I would be in my bed in a ball of tears or running a marathon every week, without it’s presence in my body, and I am a FIRM believer of pharmaceutical medicine and it’s benefits when it’s used to help people feel emotionally, physically and mentally healthy NOT to mask and drown symptoms like a cheap bandaid)

I digress. My point is, I’m done looking for the “fix” in my phone or thinking that I could “break” someone or something right away if I don’t respond to their text/VM/FB post inbox etc etc etc IMMEDIATLELY ! I AM Enough without my phone and I am not going to change the world through my phone. I can however, bring love, light, inspiration and laughter to people with the aid of my phone if I find the proper balance.

Everyone in the diet/health industry is on this 21-25 day restart/reset/redo program. I think the concept is fabulous because social science dictates that it takes 23 days to make or break a habit (I literally pulled that last sentence out of my a$$, because I am not going to get distracted with Google right now :)). I learned it somewhere, probably from Google, so therefore, it’s true.

My solution  is as follows:

For 23 days, here is my, SIMPLE, 3 step plan:
A) Check Phone in am – 1x for alarm, weather AND NOT CHECK AGAIN UNTIL 10 ( UNLESS C) OCCURS)
B) Pick 2 x a day to respond to texts /gmails/calls/FB etc. yikes. maybe 3, 10AM , 2PM, 9PM
C) Put ringer on daily , so I don’t have to “check” to see if school called about the children  and get sucked in to see what celebrity lost how many pounds while  taking what crazy fruit/seed/hcgglutenfree extract while holding their breath with sugar on their nose for 21 days.

I somewhat recognize the Irony of this post; however like I said, I’m trying to focus on the postive of the smart phone /social media influence; rather than ‘bashing it’ or quitting it all together.

Thanks for your time! Now go check your Kohls Cash!!!

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This is the best passage I have ever read, summarizing the destructive forces perpetuated by diet (and sometimes even health/wellness) industry.   We, who suffer with food (and other) addictions are the collateral damage of constantly being bombarded with advertisements that convince us we “are not enough” so we must eat less, exercise more, produce more, to be more in society.

However being “more” in size, means you are less of a human being in the eyes of society. If you truly want to be at peace with yourself from the inside through the outside , read this book and start healing the demons of the part of your soul that tells you ” I am not enough”.

The cyclical nature of extreme  “cleansing”, restricting, dieting, then bingeing fails your mental and physical body because you forget how to recognize true hunger. If you have ever struggled with food, exercise , body image or weight..this is passage is from Geneen Roth’s  “When you eat at the refrigerator pull up a chair!”

…she’s funny too which I LOVE:mrgreen:

This is my one non comical blog post😨 of the month.

I am an exercise-bulimic survivor or anorexic survivor. I was labeled as both by the physicians and nutritionist that treated me during this dark time. These old demons come back sometimes subtly, sometimes fiercely. I also have other “isms” but today, for a short moment,  I will focus on this “minion-to-demon” creature that lies on a hammock in my brain.

The ONE truest thing I have learned about nutrition/food is do not believe the hype.  If it’s too “good” or too “bad” to be true, it probably is or is not the truth. The minute I “restrict” some “food” based on the newest “craze”, (I.e breads grains yes EVEN SUGAR!) is the the minute I go stark raving mad and end up eating more than I needed and eating from emotional pain. I would much rather have a peaceful mind than a perfect body.

I know, “What’s up with the dang air quotes Scrappie?” I have to generalize because the amount of examples I could provide would make my ADHD spin and I would spent the next four hours Googling “the dangers x,y & z food” . I simply cannot spiral into a world where I am paralyzed by food choices. Been There, Done That, it’s really a shitty place to rent.

I apologize to all the waitstaff I interrogated about my food preparation or for scaring my Dad for running at 2am, in the streets of Boston. By myself.  an 80 lb crazed lunatic of defenseless, foodless adrenaline. I thank the Guardian angel that silently ran beside me, helping my twisted ankles heal so I could safely return home, each twilight. I am sure I have more amends to make during my boney reign of terror, but the wide eyed looks of bewilderment on waitstaffs’ and my Dad’s faces alike, are painfully clear  to me right now.

I am  irritated with the health and fitness industry for catering how exercise and restrictive eating makes us  “look” versus how it makes us “feel” and HOW it can help our OVERALL MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH. Of course,  I want to feel good about how I look, but when I see a scantily clad fitness model, butt cheeks hanging out, and flexing with a Carrot Stick in between her teeth captioned “Abs are made in The Kitchen” , it actually makes me nauseous and sad.

I have to rephrase the beginning of the last paragraph. I do not believe you have to practice restrictive eating habits and ‘reedunkulous’ exercise routines to impact your OVERALL MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH. What I am trying to say is, I’m frustrated with this message that is being sent by some leaders in the health and fitness industry. When I do see this type of message, I try to block it from my social media path and try to block it from my brain.

I LOVE intense cardiovascular exercise. Love it. I love to bike, jog, kick box , dance, bur-pees; all of it, and I could become obsessed with any of it , if I do not keep myself in check. I do not love yoga or strength training but I balance a little bit of everything because I know it’s good for my overall health and yes, I must admit stretching and yoga “stuff” feels good if I am perfectly honest with myself.

“What spurred this blog and where am I going with my story? Food shaming on social media.  Yes, you are darn right I’m oversensitive about being over-informed with which foods are going to turn me into a cocaine addict or how my kids are going to get cancer if I make one wrong decision at the grocery store. (yes I am exaggerating).

I am tired  seeing pictures of a Coke can labeled “Obesity” as a parody to their new marketing campaign, in name of “health promotion”.  I do not want to know about the McDonald’s hamburgers that survived  your latest scientific health experiment.

Clean Eating. Who came up with this term?  So anyone that eats out of a “box” or eats “white” flour or whatever is not grown by your restrictive healthy guidelines is eating “dirty?” or “cheating”?? This truly does not seem like a healthy message to send go anyone ESPECIALLY , young adults, who are very active on social media.

One out of five/seven kids go hungry in the US every day*.  The dichotomy between the health/fitness/diet industry and the poverty levels of Americans who do not have enough to eat, makes my head mushy and steam comes out of my ears. Therefore, to stay in the solution and away from the ‘soapboxbitchfest’,  I am going to leave to links that raise awareness on this issue.** (below)

There are more inspirational ways to reach people who need help in learning how to eat healthy and exercise regularly. Food Shaming and making people feel like shit because they are overweight is not inspirational or motivational. Maybe I am the only one who feels like this , but I can guarantee you if there are any other eating disordered (over-eaters, over- exercisers under-eaters etc) people who see this in their news-feed, I’m guessing they are getting pretty annoyed or even retreating into their disease with the “health-scolding” via social media.

This is my “angriest” blog written to date. I HATE to offend or make people angry or especially hurt people’s feelings. Lately I have realized, I will never  grow as a writer if I am constantly worried about people being angry because they did not like my views.  I am not an angry person, but I am passionate and sometimes its difficult to translate that message perfectly.  I attribute this blog to those writers who have inspired me to be more honest, through their passionate blogs; specifically Baby Sideburns, The Bloggess, Rosie Smartie Pants, We don’t Chew Glass, Drifting through My Open Mind and a girl named Sasha who is always commenting on my blog, and I am embarrassed because I can’t find her blog right now, so if you read this , please please link your blog in the comments!!!

No Kid  Hungry:
http://www.nokidhungry.org/problem/hunger-facts

Women’s Health Feed Run, sent to me from a dear runner friend:
http://run10feed10.com/home/?product_code=WMH01&smartcode=#!/main

Bloggers mentioned above who inspire me:

the Bloggess: http://thebloggess.com/

Baby Sideburns:  http://www.chicagonow.com/baby-sideburns

Rosie Smartie Pants: rosiesmrtiepants.wordpress.com

We Don’t Chew Glass: wedontchewglass.wordpress.com

Drifting through my Open Mind:  http://driftingthrough.com/

 
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a picture. bc pintrest keeps just posting my avatar.
 

Conversation I just had with my husband:

Me: “Honey I’m having a ton of anxiety”
Him: sigh
Me: “look at this article on Facebook that shows a brain scan of a cocaine addict versus one of someone who ate sugar from this ‘Fed Up’ Page.”
Him: “It’s  called marketing and SENSATIONALISM”
Me: “But Katie Couric is a director on this documentary”
Him: “Katie Couric is a journalist. Please stop clicking on stuff like this because it makes you insane. Here look at this cute puppy!”
Me:  “I want a puppy! but what if he eats too much sugar and becomes addicted to cocaine.”
Him: Sigh.
Me: “Isn’t this all true if Katie Couric is on the board of directors? It’s gotta be true if Katie Couric directed it..I wonder what Beyonce thinks about all this. Is sugar as bad as cocaine? But I love ice cream!!”
Him: “Stop. Clicking. On. Articles. about Food. Cute. Puppy. Links. Only.
Me”: “But Katie Couric and puppies and I am just trying to talk about my feelings. I have so many feelings!”
Him: Sigh
Me: ” Should I just delete Facebook again because I get sucked into anti-happy-puppy articles?”
Him: No
Me: “But what about Katie Couric, isn’t she always right? and I bet you she doesn’t eat sugar. I bet you her and Kelly Ripa run 150 miles after Pilates every morning and then eat plain Greek yogurt with almonds”
Him: ” It’s Social Media. It’s Media. Everyone has a cause they want you to join. Except for the puppies. Focus on the puppies!”
Me: “oh man, we really should save the puppies shouldn’t we, there are so many unwanted puppies in the world!”
Him: “No we can not get a puppy right now.”
Me: “Ok. Can I sign up for some Pilates classes with Puppies?”

And that my friends, is how and why I simply cannot get sucked into “anti-happy-puppy” articles on social media because we would end up with a lot of puppies and unused Pilates Groupon thingies.

I’m too tired to write a blog so I “screenshotted” my instagram sentiments.
I felt it blog-worthy.
questions below are rhetorical and somewhat facetious. I know chickens don’t eat grass. I know as much as I want to know about the war on GMO and I am NOT looking for a debate or an argument with the Food Babe groupies. I’m looking for balance, serenity, peace and not feel like my families insides are rotting from cancer because I eat yogurt and cheese and my kids eat sugar.

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In a world that screams “be better, faster, stronger, thinner, happier, healthier, smarter, bouncier, boingier, etc”, we become our own worst critic. I believe in change, but not when it threatens the acceptance of who we are at  our core of beautiful personalities, which makes us special, unique, quirky and dynamic.

The most tumultuous battles I fight are with myself are because I’m not measuring up with what “I think” people need me to be doing, saying or being at this very moment.  “PEOPLE PLEASING” is a disease and it can literally kill your soul, your creativity, drive addicts to use again, incite aggression and make people mentally breakdown. I know from experience that when I am not being true to myself and my beliefs and I’m “buying in” to what other people are “selling” (metaphorically and literally) and I am not listening to my gut instincts, I end up in situations of regret and resentment.

Yes, we absolutely need to be considerate, kind and strive to help out our fellows. It is the times when we extend ourselves to others in full self abandonment, we end up on an empty gas tank forgetting to “fill~up” the most important person in the relationship equation, ourselves.  Self ~ Love does not mean becoming a doormat for others and saying “yes” to every request and demand. People who truly love us want us to say “No” or let our voices be heard.  People who thrive on YOUR “people pleasing”, are not loving you, they are using and manipulating you to gain something for themselves.

So why is Funny Lady Scrappie-Momma being so serious? I have been doing a lot of soul~searching, trying to find the real cause of my anxiety. I , like many, suffer from anxiety, depression and “projectile~future~vomiting”. Trust me , its LIGHT YEARS better than it was in my twenties and even thirties.  The truth is, the more peace I feel daily,  the more PEACE I need to feel daily,  and to shut the mental wars in my mind that occur in my brain.  I can create a tornado of distress in the middle of a sunshine filled day if I do not keep the “projectile~future~vomit” “inner voices in check.

I grew up with a lot of chaos. I finally provided a glimpse of my horrendous foster care  and schizophrenic Mom stories with my son and his response was “Wow, Mom you are the most interesting person I know!”..Wow, what a revelation,  rather than feeling shame or trepidation from my roller coaster childhood, I have amazing knowledge, strength and passion I can share my story in hopes to help others overcome barriers to full inner peace. (book!)  For me, when I feel peace, my brain is wired to say “OH SNAP, THIS SHIT ABOUT TO GET REAL, WAIT FOR IT SOMETHING INSANE ABOUT TO POP OFF BRO” (because my inner voice is most definitely a hip hop artist) . The reason my brain is wired like this is because for thirty years, it’s exactly how it happened for me!

In my childhood and through adulthood something “popped off” every one, two, to three years without fail. In a mirage of inconsistency, the one driving constant for me was turbulence.  Foster care, death, suicide,  divorce, alcoholism, anorexia,  etc. etc, either circumstantial or of my own , and at the time I thought, innocuous creations.  After 18, I definitely would subconsciously create sabotage, drama and mayhem because I thrived on burning the candle with a million ends. I use the terms innocuous and subconscious because I had developed my very own PHD from the”auto-pilot-drama” academy, where I was the student, teacher and graduate, completely oblivious to the sabotage I created for myself and to those around me.

In closing, this blog post started out as a Facebook post on my blog page I lose people after 140 characters and it took on a venue of its own.  The only goal I have for myself is to do things that bring me PEACE. I SIMPLY cannot be the Mom trying to outpace other Mom’s in whatever societal race we have created to raise Super Children. I cannot buy into the sensationalistic articles ( if you read them all, which I did for two years as a “health~coach”)  ,after all deductions and conclusions of said reading, I surmise facetiously, Organic Kale is the only food that won’t kill us. As Jim Gaffigan so eloquently stated in his recent stand up Obsessed, “Kale tastes like bitter spinach and hair”, and  after MANY attempts to try and like Kale, I have to agree. I just don’t like kale.

 

 

 

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I recently saw a few blogs on why Facebook is literally causing depression. I get it.   We only show the highlight reel and for someone who may not be having ANY highlight reel to show at this very moment, it is depressing.  Its like the time when my husband brought me  six magazines of “How Celebrities got their  Body back in 2 days After Baby” , after my second child (It truly was honest mistake, really, I told him to grab me celebrity-gossipy-mindless magazines and apparently it was Baby season).

It may be the linked articles to warn people of the dangers of the world that are causing anxiety and depression. Some of them help me; for example, there was one about how to spray my children with vinegar to ward of ticks and  that calmed my bug phobia for about five seconds. There are certain articles that I am very happy to read and there are certain articles I do not  need to be reading because it just feeds  my phobia and anxiety.

Listed below are what goes on behind all my  gleeful pictures.   I’m guilty of only posting the highlight reel on Facebook (or Instagram) because that’s human nature.  Although, I do post pictures of toilet paper rolls and paper towel rolls not on their appropriate rod because we are much too busy of a family to be bothered with all that nonsense.

1) My kids only brush their teeth once a day. I’m working on it, it just is what it is right now.

2) I use real cream and drink real coffee in the morning. GASP.   For me, it’s more than coffee, It’s about memories, the aroma, the greetings to my children as I’m pouring a cup “GET UP NOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!”, choosing the perfect cup, the sip/slurp sound, the deep breaths, did I already say the aroma?    With the advent of our society fighting obesity (which I think is awesome), people are giving up EVERYTHING but nuts and twigs.  For me,    I HAVE to be in the middle of the road, the clown in the passenger seat in the way back of the tiny car, and on the Wall of Gaylord (see Meet the Fockers) when it comes to just about anything.   (elaboration below)**

3) I do not sit up straight at the computer.  I have improved my posture overall (because it used to be atrocious) but at the computer , when I’m in the zone, like a computer programmer (which I am not AT ALL ,see previous blogs, re computer murderer), I end up slouching , a lot , mostly because I can’t see the screen very well which brings me to …..

4) I really need to be wearing reading glasses because I squint a lot at the computer too; hence the reason why I can’t sit perfectly straight at the perfect distance from the computer.  Like right now, I’m really trying, man.

5) My kids are not voracious readers, writers, athletes, “mathletes”, gymnasts,  or dancers. They play in the soccer league that gives out trophies for showing up and yes I have read the articles about how “awful” some people think giving out trophies to everyone is for a child. Really? that is what you think is awful with our society?  Trust me, my kids face plenty of rejection and obstacles, I am not too worried about “trophy disease” harming their adulthood.    My opinion is PUSHING them   24/7 is only going to backfire.  I do involve them in sports etc, and have them read and write some in the summer, but it is light years away from any kind of Tiger Mom style of parenting, or even in my neighborhood for that matter.

6)   I do not have an elaborate chore system for my children.    I keep it extremely basic. No fancy Pint-rest boards of chores with bedazzled clothes pins and 4-D stickers and mishmashes of crafts that mark their achievements in CHORE-LAND.  I HAVE TRIED WITH CHORE-LAND and almost super-glued myself to the chore chart.  We ended up with a skinny lizard (he goes on hunger strikes)  because of Crafty Chore time.   Right now, I have a sticky note on the fridge that indicates, they can earn one dollar for three basic chores, and one of them is cleaning their room which some people think is ridiculous.  I grew up with way more chores than I personally think should have been placed on a young child, and for the most part, it did not really help prepare me for much of anything other than anxiety about germs.

7)  On the flip side, I’m terrified to let my nine year old ride around the neighborhood with his friends. Most kids my son’s age in are riding their bikes in the neighborhood,  and I do not know where I stand with this right now. I trust him, it’s the cars going 75 miles an hour on a a subdivision strip, I do not trust.  I am NOT judging the moms that allow their kids to do this at ALL. I know it’s my own fears and  trepidations, all I am saying is I am working through this debacle as we speak, right now.

8) I a bit of a “yeller.” Yes, when I get frustrated, especially in the summer, I do yell , maybe at the computer, or at the mess, or even at the kids.  I do not scream, or maybe once or twice ;), but I do raise my voice. I try to get down on their level, but I’m human and I get frustrated and I yell.

9) I can not fix my daughters hair. Giant bows fall out. Braids look like dread locks.  9/10, even if I do get it right , she has it all in her face within an hour.

10) Even though I have a phobia of my house being “clean”, it’s usually fairly messy. My kids are messy.  It’s very strange, the toilets are sparkling, but my house is kind of messy,  compared to images we see on Facebook. I’m guilty , I showed an immaculate picture of my son’s room after I re-organized one fall., Seriously, it stayed like that for five minutes, and then I get frustrated and yes I yell,  because their rooms get messy all, the time, but I don’t give them a trophy  for cleaning their room.

I guess I need to make an more elaborate chore chart for the whole family.

Footnotes:

* I actually try to use with coconut creamer and coconut sugar mixed with regular cream, (I know it’s highly complicated scenario but have you read my blogs? ) to be “more healthy”.

**Articles, blogs & Memes that center on “perfection”,  “No Excuses”,   “Train Lean, Eat Clean”, “ABS are made in the kitchen” ,”Accept nothing less than the BEST”, etc etc,  usually end up hidden in my news feed. I get it, it’s my issue.  I am a recovering anorexic and recovering alcoholic. I simply can not get caught up in feeling like who I am or what I am doing is less than what I should be doing at any given time or I will want to go back to bad habits. I applaud the 18 ab~ pack mom with 75 kids who works out  relentlessly and runs her own MLM business then captions it with a “What’s Your Excuse” Meme, BRAVO, but it does NOTHING to inspire me.

Shortest Blog ever by Scrappie Momma:

I stopped counting the calories,
I put the scale in the garage,
I refuse to be addicted
To this perfectionist mirage

Everyday can be struggle
Of “omg is this organic??”
Bc every health article I read
Seems to send me into a panic

Health will ALWAYS be a part of me
BC my 9th grade health teacher was Hawt
Ok that’s not entirely true
But I think I just laughed a lot

I’m trying to live in moderation
Break the chains of control that confine me
So if you see me reading a label in deliberation
Tell me its ok, life is a gift, let it go & be free

I rarely blast out rhymes
This literally just popped into my head
I blog most of the time
Possibly, I just lost my Rap Street cred*

My head is a Rolodex in the wind
Where I control the uncontrollable around me
Somewhere I learned enjoying food was a sin
But thankfully I’m slowly learning  to just BE

I have no clue how to end a poem
The words don’t flow as easily
Just a quick glimpse I have shown
& help my day go more readily

 

* Kind of an inside joke, a lot of aspiring rap artists follow me on twitter. I mean not a lot, but enough where I’m wondering if Scrappie Momma is being mistaken  for Lil Momma or Drop Dem Rhymes Momma?  Who knows, I just hope there is no misconception that I have 1) any street cred because I grew up on farms,  a fishing village and in Shaker Heights Ohio, and 2) that I can rap, because I do try and it’s horrendous.

profielic1I think I blogged about this before, but I absolutely have zero memory of what I wrote and yes, I could go back and read it.  However, one of the 10 things that happen when you turn forty is forgetfulness and lack of patience.   (picture is me 40, husband 38. Yep. I’m a Cougar.  you can barely see my lips, see # 1)

On with it:

1) You lose your lip line. I’m not kidding, your face starts to melt into your lip line. Lip Liners are not for youthful people. The entire Lip Liner Industry was targeted for women over 40 who wake up one morning, look in the mirror and say “OMG WHERE ARE MY LIPS??????????????????”

a) Caveat: You LOSE LIP FAT.  LIP FAT. That’s NOT EVEN FAIR. God, or Buddha, or your divine being that created you / me, I must ask  “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WITH THIS ONE??? Wasn’t there somewhere else on my 40 year old body that you could have taken fat to use for whatever you need fat from my lip to assist the body part with the needed fat from my lip??? I could make a few recommendations? ”

2) Spider Veins. Varicose Veins. Bumpy Veins. No, not the pretty ones that show on people who eat the perfect amounts of food and exercise perfectly and have pretty veins that barely show in their arms but kind of show because they are lean and strong. I’m talking veins that APPEAR OVERNIGHT in some cases that look like a cluster of blue bug bites.  Or Looks like your children got a hold of a blue sharpie, glue and blue confetti (not shiny or glittery, the dull confetti, the kind that sits out too long in the sun at the craft store and loses all its joie de vivre)  and decided to decorate your thighs and legs.

3) Cellulite.  Seriously. TRAPPED FAT?  Dear Divine Creator. Again, where are we going with this one? Fat being TRAPPED on your body. If the fat is there, isn’t it kind of already trapped?  Why do we need to make little pockets for it to stay trapped.  Its like Hotel California for FAT???   Purpose of Cellulite?? –  It gives the Celebrity Photo Shoppers a vocation.  OR it gives Celebrity Paparazzi something to chase after on the beach so they can hound some thin celebrity and broadcast to the world  “LOOK EVERYONE EVEN SHE HAS CELLULITE”  Nice.

a) Caveat: I recently took up foam rolling NOT because it’s a healthy and prevents injury.  I heard it “got rid of”  cellulite and I was all over that like paparazzi on cellulite on celebrities at the beach.  I know it does not get “rid of it”, I know the word was “reduces the appearance of cellulite” but in my book “reduces” = “rid of”.

4) Your metabolism? Wave good bye.  I had this whole long thing written out but there really is not a whole lot to explain.   Scientifically it’s the truth. I had to take a very long and cumbersome test when I was a fitness instructor and the ONE thing that they kept hammering over and over in the “Nutrition” section is the older you get, the more stuff slows down. Period. End of story.  I  passed the test (barely) but I know I got that answer right. The good news is if you foam roll, you will NEVER EVER get injured, have zero cellulite and can exercise off everything you eat. (I’m joking here…kind of….I’m really counting on this foam rolling stuff to kick in and turn me 20 again)

5) Ladies.  Your boobs. Will either go straight down or off to the side. I asked my friend if their was a cure for “armpit boobs.  Mine increasingly gravitate toward the side more and more, it seems like on a daily basis. I have to re-adjust them. Hourly. Dudes, I don’t know what happens to your instruments, but feel free to blog and let your 40 year old friends know all about whatever strange phenomenon is occurring  on an hourly basis, but keep it classy.

6) If you lacked patience before, expect to lack it even more. I went to very few camps or church gatherings as a child but there was one song I clearly remember  “Be patient Be patient don’t be in such a hurry, you will only start to worry, Just remember God has patience too, Just think of all the times others had to wait for you”.  The song frankly annoys me because it (as a song ) it invokes memories of people behind me in line, rolling their eyes and shooting me looks of severe disdain.  It divinely pops into my head when I am in the line from hell at Walmart or Home Deport or Lowes or Dollar General or DMV or where ever places long lines go to DIE.

7)  You eyelashes  leave their home and start a new home on your chin, , jawline , above your “un-lip-lined” lip, and the top of your feet. They move south for pre-Retirement years. No extra description needed here.

8)  Every time someone yelled out to you “Use sun screen” and you did not listen – turns into a sunspot, guess where??  The same place your eyelash hairs relocate to for their pre-Retirement party. Thus, you have a parade of unwanted hairs and GIANT torpedoed freckles on your upper lip, chin, jawline and feet in addition to the Hotel Calfornia’d cellulite and Micheal’s Craft store veins and so on and so forth.

9) You start giving your parent’s advice.  They don’t listen and they ignore EVERYTHING you say to them in form of advice and CHANGE THE SUBJECT TO SOMETHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH HIP HOP MUSIC?????   It’s like some twisted reverse-psychological- punishment for any hell you put them through when you were a teenager.   I really think they do it on purpose.

10) You drone on and on about “what happens when you turn 40″.  Mall teenagers, people in their “twenties” are mildly annoying, and TRUST me they find “people in their 40’s and above” as equally annoying. It’s just a vicious cycle of annoyance if anytime there is a mix of these ages; Which is virtually, any family gathering.  THE only PEOPLE that favor well at family gathering, are babies. So if you over the age of TWO, things just go down hill from there. HEY BABIES AND TODDLERS – Be prepared to be annoyed for the rest of your life. :)

WAIT, I almost forgot. Bonus) Forgetfulness.

WAIT, I just thought of another one when I was loading blog link to instagram.  SELFIES SUCK.

PS.This is ALL in good fun.

 

 

2013-08-11 13.08.52

serenity

I wish I had a slew of funny things to write but lately I haven’t felt ha ha funny but I have sure the hell felt “holy shit what’s happening to me?” funny. I am back at Doctors office because of anxiety caused by medicine changes. Literally every side affect I am NOT supposed to have, I am having pretty much regularly. I do NOT want to be here going through another medicine change, my only silver lining is there have been periods of laughter, so I shall bullet point them to help me out of whatever the hell “this ,” is:

  •   Conversation with my sister:”I  am having/ all the “call your doctor immediately ” side effects EXCEPT for the homicidal and suicidal ones, you think I should make a Doctors appointment?”
  •   Changing the bathroom scale battery because I was convinced it was weighing me heavy, ended up crumpled in tears because I gained two lbs in two seconds after a freaking battery change.
  • Harassing the Vitamin Shoppe woman for a reason as to why I feel like I have PMS all  the time and what pill will make me fill like a twenty year old again. Let me phrase this., help me feel like I did when I felt like a normal twenty year old, so maybe about 1/4 of the time when I was twenty, what pills do you have that will bring that 25% of the normalcy back to my life 100% of the time? ….Then telling her how much I love Quest bars. Then telling her I just want to not be bloated all the time.. Then buying a case of Quest bars….
  • The frantic calls to my husband repeating all my craziness and him saying , “ok honey, just relax, um, are the kids ok?” , knowing he must tread lightly on my hormonally bloated mind.
  • Scouring the Kohls website for hours trying to find an athletic bathing suit that will make me not feel like I’m feeling because in the dark recesses of my mind, as if a freaking awesome athletic looking two piece, will drastically change my life and even up my hormones.
  • My take away on freaking bathing suits.  Either they are made out of dental floss (and not even the thicker weaved kind you buy if you have gaps between your teeth like I do) or they are designed for a 99 year old woman going on a cruise. There literally is not much to chose from for us 40 year old people who are struggling with the incessant gravitational pull upon our , well, entire body, “Oh hello there boobies, Nice to see you there ON THE FLOOR?”

I am almost certain, you are thinking “holy shit this chick is vain”. No, I have been through this before and “this” unequivocally has NOTHING TO do with what I look like or number on the scale. This has everything to do with control.  Yes, I might be somewhat of a controlling person. I’m not Type A because I am disorganized, but I do wipe the toilet bowls down with Clorox wipes daily, but on the other hand my house is never Better Homes picture ready, there is a lot of stuff everywhere, BUT the toilets are CLEAN, so I suppose I am a type C personality? No, I do not know what that is either, I just made it up.

I am a controlling person when it it comes to my feelings. I do not like feeling like my emotions are on a roller coaster. In a way, it’s good for me because it helps me process the  “emotion” rather than stuffing or drinking or not eating or whatever other “ism” I partook in the past  when I had a feeling rather than, huh, actually feel a feeling. Good God this sounds like a self help blog, but it truly is not a self help blog, unless it helps you feel better then by all means, my pay pal account number is……………………….

My take away from today is that I am human. My hormones are most likely out of whack. My Doctor said “Um, your changing medicines so yes my child you are going to be bloated” and gave me that motherly look of  “Cot Jam when is this freaking woman going to grow up !!!”.    I am going through a bit of a rough patch. I am not shallow. Yes I do care about my weight because I want to “feel” good about myself but most importantly I want to be healthy in a normal non obsessive way and there are periods of time where I feel like this is impossible. The solution for me today is as follows:

  • No more “fitness or cleanse” fix/detox/restart or whatever their called- browsing.  None. I like my exercise regime , I eat as healthy as I possibly can based on my resources/time etc, and I do not give a shit if my body “has adjusted to it” and I’m not ripped like Jillian.
  • Love my mother loving love handles.  They are a part of me.
  • Wake up and be thankful for all the amazing people in my life
  •  Put first things first, inhale serenity like I’m 20 and it’s my last Marlboro ultra light on earth
  • PUT THE DAMN SCALE IN THE BAYLINER-BOAT IN THE GARAGE

So when my husband comes home and says , “Why is the Scale in the boat?” I can whip out my feelings chart and tell him exactly why the scale is in the boat, on and “Yes, honey the kids are alright.”
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Pictured. Scale in boat next to anchor.

 

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Do not fret young padawans, I shant quote the lyrics from the riveting One Direction ballad. This is the story of my life and our life because ‘we country’. Seriously, you can take the people out of the country but you cannot force them to relinquish their country ways.   We, ok ok, I (just me) have been known to wipe counter tops with my “Nike Just Do It” tshirt (as instructed by the shirt btw) in a hurry to unveil the actual countertop.  We keep the dern boxes my sons legos come in because and I quote from my husband and my son “those will pay for college”, Good because I was hoping to use the 529 accounts to buy an Island and be highlighted on HGTV “Island Hunters” (obsessed with that show btw. Please if you get a chance watch Island Hunters, you will find yourself wondering, “What exactly do this people “do” for a living such that they are buying up islands now? )

Pictured here is my husband’s attempt at drying out his tennis shoes. In his defense he did use the drying bracket thingy that came with the dryer but it  almost broke dryer. The irony of this can best be summed up by telling you my husband is the “Serv Safe Chief.’ He works in the food industry and I have lost count if how many looks of disdain have been cast my way for my abhorrent kitchen behaviors. Yes, the Nike t-shirt cleaning tactic would in his top two, the other is when I set the coffee creamer spoon on the counter versus a paper towel. *

If you have read other blogs you might be confused because I may have confessed to obsessive behaviors , some of which include and addiction to  Clorox wipes. I do not get it either. I will wipe the bathrooms down , 5665788 times a day with proper wiping gadgets, but Nike t-shirt rags (that are still being worn) and shoes on the candle on the kitchen table do not bother me one bit.

The story of our lives is one of organized chaos. Polarizing children that love me so much one minute they are still wrapping their tiny little hands around me. Ten seconds later “I am never speaking to you again” and slammed doors are echoing through or Nike~candled~counter~washed house (I don’t think shoes in pictures are Nikes, I doth apologize profusely- whatever brand I have thus shunned). We are a house of “perfect imperfections” (Johnny Leg, you hit the nail on the head with that one) , subtle nuances integrated with rebellious bedlam.  A rowdy circus juxtaposed against fabulous rainy Sunday afternoon naps.

Thank God I have the pictured paragons of excellence to keep our house in order!

image

Please take note of toilet paper roll.. How is this part of this warrior brigade!? And I do not know why there are beach towels hanging on banisters. We do not own a pool and we do not live on the beach and it is not warm enough to go to the pool. Also , I’m pretty sure it’s been a couple since either one of my children have had a shower or bath…

* The alternative to setting my spoon on the paper towel is letting in jingle around in my cup all day which is by far much more annoying to him, I can most assuredly inform you I have received feedback on my spoon stealing coffee up antics as well…..

First off, I’d like to say, or apologize to my three followers, wait maybe it’s two, I’m sorry it takes me so long to get another blog posted, and I’m not minimizing the amount I appreciate YOU.  I do write a lot, but it’s on stickies, journals, notepads and the whole process of getting it put into computer is one that does get lost in the shuffle of my ADHD mind and life.  I’m NOT complaining, and I will aim to do better.  I had a laptop but for all you parents of ‘younins’ out there, Minecraft stole it’s heart and  soul and crucified the “heart” drive into a withering mess that even the boys at Geek squad cried a little when I took it in to be “fixed”.  Yes I mean heart drive.  (Hence why Geek Squad rejected my application of employment.)

This topic has been on my brain ever since I stopped teaching fitness classes and decided to stop paying the fee to be a health/wellness Coach.*  It’s not like I woke up one morning and said “I AM DONE”. Decision making was something I generally scored as average or as my husband might say “Good GOSH Grapes woman, make up your mind!” OK OK, He doesn’t say Grapes, I’m not sure he said Gosh either. Maybe sometimes there could be an expletive in this sentence because, I usually go to him with all my decision making conundrums, which come up frequently.   Stay tuned, because I will have some blogs that outline some of the fabulous “notes” I have written him when my feelings were “hurt”. Usually those notes end up by the coffee pot.  They are fun. really fun.

It all started when I  joined a rather large gym and took this sassy, funky, kickboxing class.  I fell in love with the first “jab cross pound pound” to some heart thumping – Lil Jon- club-remix;  where, I felt like I was at the club, but in actuality my babies were in day care and I had my Umbros on (yes I think I wore Umbros from college when I started going back to the gym, don’t worry all you fashionable gym people, I upgraded my wardrobe a tad as the years wore on, insert cute winking smiley face here). Also no one was vomiting in the bathroom from too many Hagar (sp?)  shots or my wedges weren’t sticking to the floor of sloshed Budweiser.  All the club music fun without having to soak your clothes in tide for a week.  Well, if you sweat as much as I do (apparently to the point where it causes medical concern, that comes up later in the blog :)) , you might have to soak your workout clothes in tide, just no club “stench” to overcome.

I had arrived. I was officially a bad ass. I was a dancing fighter.  Usher meets Million dollar Baby. Michael Jackson meets Missy Elliot meets J Lo from the movie ENOUGH.  I simply did not give a french fry if I was burning off french fries or if I was working out my “abs”.  It was SO FREEING. I was having a freaking blast and I really felt “okay” for the first time since there were 5000 people looking at my “hootie hoo-hoo-haw” because my first child decided he was going to hang out for a bit…. and my obstetrician look like John Stossel. So um yeah that.   Also, let’s just say  I DID NOT EXCEL AT ALL at new mommy-hood.  Like we are talking D minus, minus. I blame the fact that my parents didn’t have more babies for me to practice nor did I have enough babysitting jobs with little babies.  It’s really all their fault. (insert facetious-ism, seriously, some people think I’m being serious when I’m being diabolically ironic.)   More on that topic way later, Maybe another blog.

I felt like I had entered into some kind of “West Side story/Micheal Jackson Thriller-I’M BAD” remix video while I was kicking some serious “bootie.”  It actually was not “dance” per say, it choreographed in a way that punches synchronized so succinctly with every heart thumping bass , I literally felt I was inside the MATRIX of kickboxing and Lawrence Fishborne had me “downloaded” into some Jiu-Jitsu-Lil-Jon-Dub-Step-ReMix. I do not think I ever told the instructor this, but there were several times I started crying in her class (tears of joy) because of all the incredibly motivational cues she we would shout out during class.  I did  not turn into a blubbering post menopausal mess, I got choked up because I was so freaking inspired and I simply did not feel like I was at “the gym”.    She would say things like “You got up and got out of bed and You are here!!! be proud of yourself”  or “You aren’t here to just change the outside of your body you are here to change your body from the inside out.” I’m paraphrasing due to the fact that it was several years ago.  The bottom line is, she made me feel like I was exercising for the right reasons. “What the eff does “exercising for the right reasons mean???? Laurie Jane??”   Please, hang with me…this might be one of my longer blogs but it’s worth it because hopefully it will make you laugh and possibly alleviate stress in your life if you are struggling with a decision.

I had a tremendous amount of guilt with my membership because I did not work AND I  felt like I didn’t deserve it as a “stay at home mom”.  Looking back, I had severe post par-tum delusions after my first child, and mildly depressed after my second, I actually was just depressed. I hate typing that out because most of the world thinks that shit is controllable and it’s mind over matter. If you do think that depression can be controlled by just flipping a switch, please do more research.   I digress, the POINT I AM TRYING TO MAKE,  Is this instructor alleviated the insane, ridiculous guilt  I felt from going to the  FREAKING GYM! (I’m just not a the point where I can drop the actual f bomb in my blogs. A lot of successful bloggers let it all out…again I blame “others” for this..(diabolically ironic!!)  I’m still wondering if “shit” is too much…but I’ll edit later. Maybe).

Fast forward a couple years, taking a variety of classes, with this particular class and mixed martial arts classes being something I was drawn to on a consistent basis, I decided that I wanted to become a fitness instructor.  Yeah I know. At that time, I was 38.  I do not know what I was thinking either.  This was the best and worst decision I had made at that time.  How can that be?  It was the best decision because I truly learned how to perform a task that I did not possess natural skills to perform on a consistent basis.  I may have excelled at taking fabulous classes at a gym, but TEACHING fitness classes was almost the antithesis of taking them,  and I had to go through this process to figure out it was not something that pulled from my natural strengths and abilities.  I am not saying that you should shy away from difficult tasks, ignore your weaknesses or avoid putting yourself out of your comfort zone.  I am saying that if you are so far out of your comfort zone it is negatively affecting every aspect of your life, you may want to rethink the journey or path  you have embarked upon.

To elaborate upon it being the best decision in my life.  I learned SO MUCH about myself, the fitness “world” and how I interacted with other people. and MOST IMPORTANTLY I have a new found respect for Beyonce.  We besties now. “Hi B!!!” –  Beyonce, can move in ways that I would end up in the Emergency room if I attempted, and SING, like really SING from the vast recesses of her lungs ~WHILE-  AT THE SAME TIME – NOT LOOK TIRED.  I was say things like “punch jab punch punch kick jab etc”, while performing as said such tasks (not even singing like my bestie Beyonce or  ‘bootie’ maneuvering in any way shape or form) and would be so exhausted and “HANGRY” by the end of class, I would almost fall into my food at night.  To illustrate my “not looking tired point above”….. I had a participant ask me one day  if I was “Okay” and look deeply concerned for my overall well-being.    She recommended I get my thyroid checked because I was literally drenched in sweat and could barely speak after class.  This was kind of my first clue that maybe the outer Pluto rings of my comfort zone was not necessarily the best place for this 40 something Mom of two high spirited children and one very busy working husband.   Next time you go to class and you think the instructor doesn’t appear to be working hard enough, or start to get all critical,  think really long and hard before you give feedback. I use to run crazy 90 degree hill trail races in college and even got trophies for it, okay it was a small college, BUT STILL. I thought I was in damn good shape and it kicked my ass.  So I learned a TON about learning something from scratch and the black hole space that comes after your comfort zone. Insert Winking smiley face jumping emoticon here.

As for it being the worst decision, maybe that’s unfair terminology for myself; yet, there were many times I was in self inflicted tears of frustration because I never felt “good enough” or that I measured up to my counterparts.    I guess I should have known better with my eating disordered past that I was not as tough as I thought I was in deflecting the ‘self obsessiveness’ that the industry as a whole seem to manifest upon my psyche. I thought I could shut those voices down but inevitably the cons started to outweigh the pros.    As a competitive runner, it completely consumed me and I suffered health consequences from malnutrition and electrolyte unbalance and heat exhaustion because I did not have enough fat on my body to properly function and cool myself. Huh, Maybe that’s why I sweat so much now. Anyhow,  Sounds dramatic, but true and it will be in my memoirs..  Henceforth, so on and so forth,  I felt like at every twist and turn I had to monitor what I put in my body , I was over training,  and it was negatively affecting myself and my family.

As a caveat to my career in fitness I decided to become a “Health Coach” and used   Multi-level Marketing fitness shakes and DVDS  as an adjunct to promote this way of life.   I know it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out which company I chose to align with ; however, there are currently a
large amount of these companies.   It’s not important because the company itself had nothing to do with my decision to stop participating in this field.   However, the somewhat convoluted and  pervasive “online coaching atmosphere” of SOME of the Coaches,  in SOME of these companies, (not just the one I was apart of) did have something to do with my decision. I have re-written this section like six times. The first time I wrote it, I ended up sounding like Lewis Black on the Jon Stewart show and I have been told that extreme sarcasm comes over quite poorly, unless it’s delivered by Lewis Black himself.

Instead of providing a  montage of all the things that grated my nerves like tweezers on a chalkboard, slowly and screechy, (I’m sorry¿ was that image bothersome?) I will try to summarize in one small paragraph without sounding indignant.( Fun Fact here, I was going to use the word resentful,  but I feel as thought it’s overused.  Anyhow, I go-ogled the synonyms for resentful and low and behold the FIRST Google search that “popped up” was “resentful Beyonce”  What???  Who is resentful at my BFF??? and how can anyone be resentful at the woman who masterminded the song that every man, woman and child is screaming  at the top of their lungs in their car  (……..boyimdrankin…..grindinupindatclub..surfboardgraininondatwoooooddd) ……My apologies to your boss if  you are reading this at work and just played Drunk In Love in your office and tried to “twerk”.

I digress. Seriously girlfriend,  Beyonce!!! Stop infiltrating my thoughts with your naughty music.  I became disenchanted with the MLM fitness entity because quite simply, it was not my scene. I did not feel comfortable displaying before and after pictures of my stomach or my arms or my saddlebags or whatever body part I incessantly felt like I needed to “Fix”.**  I was tired of being asked to do a “cleanse”  or a “challenge” when quite frankly, all they did for me was made me feel like sleeping OR I wanted to rob a bakery, and then I felt guilty because I was starving. Whe I did the cleanse and was told it was a highly caloric cleanse (1500 calories?) and I shouldn’t be feeling hungry.   I NEVER EVER felt like being moderately healthy  was enough and I ended running around all wide eyed and freaked out because “OMG I did too much cardio and not enough strength or I hadn’t learned the hollow back handstand and OMG LAURIE why aren’t you more flexible you really need to focus on that what’s wrong with you???.”

My brain had become a level 10 roller coaster of negative health thoughts.   I felt like I was eating too much and I should be constantly tracking my calories and my calorie burn.  I was constantly striving to be in smaller pants or have bigger biceps but not too big just big enough to look a certain way and this swirling mass of disenchanted thoughts HAD TO STOP.  Yes the problem absolutely became MY problem and it was turning me into an obsessive health freak that had banned “cheezits” from the house.  I DID NOT WANT TO BE THAT PERSON.

Some of you might ask, why couldn’t you have stayed in the health and fitness/mlm “thangy thing” and stayed moderate and balanced.    I could not because  my career choice HAD BECOME the gasoline to the fire for  obsessive, extreme behavior.  I also did feel like there were fitness leaders in that particular industry that sent a somewhat obsessive message (IN MY OPINION) and I just did not want to be a part of that culture any longer. AGAIN,THIS IS MY OPINION.   Some of you that read this might be saying I’m a “hater”, but really it’s not that, I applaud the athletes who have overcome giant obstacles to be leaders in this very complex and growing industry. I just chose to distance myself from the message that I did not agree with on a daily basis. I am not going to give examples, but if you are curious,  Google leaders in an fitness industry and follow them for a bit, you may feel undoubtedly and incredibly inspired, I want you to to make up your own opinion if they send a balanced message or one that promotes unrealistic body image expectations.   I do not blame anyone else and take full accountability that this industry was a dangerous place for me to rest my career laurels upon on a day in and day out basis.

In closing, I would not trade the short (but eventful!) stint I had as a fitness professional? (OMG, am I officially retired, if so where my pension be hiding???? ) Seriously  the best way I can surmise this blog is with a quote I had written on my social media account in January. “I’m SO grateful that I became some of the things I was. To truly realize who I AM.. who I am NOT. and who I can BECOME.” (LJF) Sometimes you have to go through it, in it, do it, see it, be it,  to realize that you do not want to be “it”.

*mlm fitness shakes & videos, I’m not going to go all into brand-name etc, because well I’m just not..I tend to over explain and I seriously do not want to lose you on some needless drivel

**I’m NOT  disrespecting ANYONE that does show before after pictures etc, it simply made me uncomfortable in a way that was not needed for ME.

I had to google the word “placation” because I was not 100 percent sure if it was the “tion” form of the word placate.  Let me just tell you I love the word “placate” because it sounds so  Joan-Crawford-Mommie-Dearest,  “DON’T PLACATE ME WITH YOUR WIRE HANGERS”  I know she doesn’t say that, but good grapes you know that is what she suggested she say to the script writer dude.   On the other hand, I desperately can not stand to be placated or outwardly insulted with some form of phrase like “oh, yeah that’s totally a no brainier, you should do it” and I say this with the utmost inflection being on “brainer” & “you should do it” (To get the full effect on how I’m saying this out loud to myself, google Californians on Saturday Night live.  Ok ,I’ll wait.  Yeah, that’s how I am saying it.  When any sales person utters the word “no brainer”, I stare at them like scary kids with no eyes in those paranormal movies , turn around and walk out.   Or I suggest they sell to actual Zombies who  have lost most of their brain power.

I coined this term because I feel like “nice” people who are not necessarily door mats, but truly try to see the good in other people fall victim to episodes of “Passive Aggressive Placation”.  I’m going to do my darnedest to give examples without being a total bitch, because I do consider my self a “nice” person but I also own a bit of snark, or scrappiness if you will. Truth needs to be told about people who are “serial-killer-nasty” ; one moment  a charming savant of manners and compliments while altruistically robed in a ‘Snugee’ of “ratchetness”, cheap polyester and barbed wire accolades.   Passive Aggressive Placation is my kryptonite.  It turns my face red , I will flip my head around so fast, start snapping and hip-walking with the “let me tell you something” phrase frothing  out of my mouth like the foamy desirableness of a Carmel Machiatto. (ok spell check keeps telling me that Machiatto should really be the word Machination)

Passive Aggressive Placation is really the tool of annoying and sometimes even extremely successful Sales People.  It’s the inauthentic dumfounded shock and awe on the sales person’s face when they have spent their incredibly precious time desperately providing “high Key” covertly disguised as a “low-key” sales pitch and you politely decline. To which they respond: “Oh, I”m flabbergasted that such an extremely well-educated  gorgeous, brilliant, young lady would pass up on such an incredible deal”.  Saying “no” to hot-shot sales people, is like saying “no” to a smart-mouthed over-privileged teenager who is learning how to manipulate their parents.  They know if they go bat-**** crazy , there is no dice, but if they play it “cool” and back-hand compliment the hell out the situation, there is a chance that “no” will turn into a “yes”.

My favorite do or die sales pitch is the: “There are only 50 items/spots left and time is running out, your life is a mess, you need this, tap into that savings account NOW! what are you WAITING FOR?”!

“UM, for my common sense to kick in to realize that what you are charging is asinine  Or

“Um, for my common sense to kick in to realize that you have only had this promotion running for 1 day”

No, No, that’s not even the passive aggressive placating part.  It’s the part where they close the actual deal down and say “NO MORE LEFT”  and then magically 24 hours later, 400 items etc are suddenly available.  I get it, supply and demand; hence, welcome to the rave party of underhanded sales. “If you do not act now, your life will be sucked into a deep, black hole of despair, desolation, and depression. The three Ds or darkness will cascade upon you forever UNLESS you sign up for this one~-time, short lived offer of glow stick freedom enmeshed in the giant “mosh” pit of enternal financial bliss, do you have your pay pal account available?”

Unfortunately, sleep deprived or insomniacs are plagued with the “Do you desperately hate your life that you are sitting there in your jogging pants, covered in Cheetos, hating yourself for eating Cheetos and wearing ugly jogging pants, well! sign up now with a start up fee of ____ and I guarantee you will love your life again”      It’s also used in the billion dollar diet industry  coupled with the “I guarantee you will lose weight if you try this fabulous innovative new product”. *   I could write a BOOK on incessant onslaught of fitness crazes, fads, pills, shakes etc that reign down upon us like skittles in those psychedelic skittles commercial. It’s absurd!!! And I’m not immune,  I like to exercise, I have bought some of the stuff to stay MODERATELY fit; however, if I scroll through certain health magazines or websites, Moderate is NOT GOOD ENOUGH WOMAN!.    According to the fitness revolution, if I can’t wash my undies on my washboard abs,  apparently I need more products and I certainly need to eat more twigs and less cheetos.   No wonder people do not want to start an exercise program!   I see this fitness phrase a lot “What’s your excuse?”   I think some one needs to respond “YOU ARE SCARING ME”.   If I see one more female lift up their shirt to show their abs and the bottom of their boobs in a effort to “sell” fitness, I am going to try and wash my undies on my 2.5 pack and tell them “I want my money back, it didn’t work”. **

I know we can all think of how this type of behavior affected us or affected us.  The creepy boss who said things like “I’m your biggest fan but…”  No, you are not my biggest fan. That’s creepy and why start a sentence like that and use the word “but”, just give me the feedback and do not be a douche-bag. (according to my grammar check, douche-bag should be hyphenated).   Or the obnoxious supermom who says things like “Bless your heart, you look really stressed & tired, have you read Baby Wise or do you eat too much gluten and saturated fat? I did all that and look at me! I’m a size zero and baby girl is sleeping through the night!”   Really sweetheart,  how about, “Let me give you a hug because I understand what you are going through and I’d rather be nice to you versus a condescending , lip-glossed, twig-eating ______”

When I had my first child, HIS THIRD MONTH of LIFE, I hadn’t gone back to work and  a mom (I don’t know if she worked or not, well maybe at being obnoxious) asked me “WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY”    Um, well now I’m going to cut up creepy pictures of you and poke black holes in the eye slots and say voo doo doo doo prayers  in them while I eat my giant stash of Dove Chocolate bars (and cheetos bc I love cheetos; thus, why I have mentioned them several times and guess what? they have an “all natural brand”  which means I can lose weight WHILE I’m eating them because they are negative calories…), because apparently I’m not productive enough for you to ask me rational, polite questions.  Yeah I said voo doo doo doo prayers.  People who are passively aggressively placating invoke voo doo doo doo doo behavior.

How bout you, what’s your example of passive aggressive placation?

Footnotes for asterisks*

* The entire health industry does not fall into this category, therefore no disrespect to the health industry as an industry per-say..(grammatically that sentence was crappy but I’m trying to a make a point on sleazy sales gimmicks , not “out” any hard working fitness and health professionals who really do care about the public good)

** again, attraction marketing, I get it. Of course you should show of those abs! But do it in a way that’s not so obnoxious.  Wear a cute FULL COVERAGE ATHLETIC bra top, there really is no need for you to lift up your shirt. None.  This isn’t Spring Break in Cancun.  Google “cute athletic bras” and I guarantee you will find something G rated that I do not have to hide from my children if I’m scrolling Instagram with my kids sitting next to me.

“whats your excuse”

I used to think I needed to work out harder, longer, eat less, eat more twigs, or jump on the latest fintess fad, gadget, parallel bar (have you seen these things??) to get rid of the extras that come with being a mom, getting older and just LIFE!!
  Im grateful that right now at this very moment~Im ok that stuff jiggles on my body (other than the twins up top). Ive fallen in love with myself again. (I do not mean this in the Kayne sense of thangs..I still have my humility :-)). I am ok with exercising like a “normal” person (whatever the hell that means??)  and I do not have to do 1000 burpees if I decide to eat a giant piece of cheesecake.
No, Im not saying I have gone to the other extreme of being completely unhealthy. Im saying I think I finally understand what it means to be moderate and good golly that is not an easy task for the “omg I want to be a superstar~master~athlete~director~of ablogistics” tomorrow because I liked  dance~fighting~aerobics more than I like your average aerobics” (I know no one uses the word aerobics, but my periodontist wrote “no aerobics until pain goes away” and I found that amusing because for my two years emerged in the fitness world that word was used for flashback 80s classes).
My brain does not automatically work in moderation mode. I have to conscious of my actions at all times because extreme (insert electric guitars) was my middle name. Extremely manic or extremely in bed dead. Its no way to live and I can do that to myself if I do not watch “it” ~ no don’t ask me what “it”is because I do not know.
  Healthy is truly a state of mind and it concerns a whole body connection. Ok. Im not dr Phil or Oz, but if I have learned anything its you simply can not enjoy what you are doing if you have to be obessed with the outcome of being perfect or having the perfect body or if “more” is never enough. (More money more “stuff”.) Less is usually more when it comes to a truly healthy, balanced lifestyle AND I DO NOT MEAN THAT IN THE CALORIC SENSE _ remember I just had a GIANT PIECE OF CHEESECAKE!

Be healthy. Find confidence. & shake what your momma gave ya!

I wrote this diatribe on my phone so forgive the typos…ill edit later.

What’s the Message

Posted: October 17, 2013 in balance, diet, eating, fitness, food, Uncategorized

We really need to see more Dove Campaign Special K type body shapes and Messages- in the Fitness /Health world. If you truly want to reach those who are having serious health risks because of their addiction to food, you have to take a good look at what society , is saying to them.  I am passionate about people seeing themselves as a whole being and being inspired versus being guilt -ed or shamed into getting off the sofa. If a person is “guilt-ed or shamed” into getting off the sofa and eating healthy, the person will not stick to a plan and make lifestyle changes. This is a fact.. Page 127 American Council and Exercise ACE Group Fitness Manual “The least effective type of motivation is a form of extrinsic motivation called intro-jection,(Deci & Ryan) With intro-jection people report being physically active because of some external factor suggested by someone else and NOT ACCEPTED BY THEMSELVES..and are likely to experience feelings of being controlled, tensions GUILT or pressure..” The chapter goes on to describe that people have to feel intrinsically motivated- Which does not come from feeling guilty about themselves. Therefore,I vote for inspiration,authenticity and humility versus “what’s your problem” or”what’s your excuse” every-time.

Speaking from a busy stay at home parent’s perspective, (yes I’m busy even though I don’t “work” full time in society’s eyes), the pressure to “do it all”, is unbelievable.  There is a major Supermom atmosphere that radiates out over myself and my friends on a daily basis and it isn’t all in our heads.  I have yet to see a cover of a magazine regarding Parenting that truly depicts what’s going on in a parent’s life.  I get it, pictures of disheveled parents , is not going to cut the mustard;however, I do think the parenting/health/fitness industry could do a much better job in providing an authentic  view of how to balance the stresses of life while creating, routines (exercise included!) into their life.

If I had to got back to work tomorrow, full-time, I know that I would not be as disciplined about it as I am today. You know why?  BECAUSE I’M HUMAN.  You are human. Give yourself a break.   I’ll admit that actually have to back off of the exercise from time to time,  because I do not want to become obsessed with working out and eating healthy because I do NOT think it’s a good message to send to my children.    I do get caught up in the comparison game but I’m much better at stopping that undeniable,self-defeating train-wreck-thoughts of destruction,  to realize that I’m doing the best I can based on my abilities. 

 

I do not know the answer on how to reach the masses in helping America fight obesity and/or unhealthy sedentary lifestyles. I think there are some great programs that do attempt to reach all parts of society. I also do know it’s a sore subject and even writing  the word obese makes me a little uneasy because I feel like America automatically associates that term  with outward “image” and/or “lazy”.  That  isn’t always the case. You have NO IDEA what’s going on in that person’s life and whats going in their life.  You have no idea if they walk 50 miles a day or if the were starved emotionally and physically as a child.  We need to stop labeling people and meeting them where they are now so they can find their intrinsic motivation!  Food may be their shield and they used it to protect themselves, my goal is to help them find another, healthier shield.


All I know is I want to help people get active and feel good about themselves because I do not want people do die from unhealthy life styles that can easily be prevented by  making slow, steady balanced challenges in their life. .  It’s NOT ABOUT SIZE.  A super. skinny runway model can be five times as unhealthy as a person that may be a little bit overweight on a “medical chart” or worse by “Cosmos’s standards”   I used to smoke, drink , and run. Sometimes all at the same time, because I thought I was a freaking rockstar! (insert electric guitar music..)  Was I healthy? heck no. Quite the opposite. I’d much rather be 10 to 15 lbs heavier with a little junk in my side trunk then ever go back to being a spindly , spidery crazy-eyed-crack-en trying to run off my the previous nights’ beer calories only to go home to chug Pinot.

My point is, life is not fair, it’s hard, there is always going to be someone that’s better, faster, thinner, more muscular , better hair, funnier personality..whatever… and some of it’s genetics, upbringing..etc.   My Dad’s nick name is Spider, so go figure, some parts of my body are natural going to be thinner, whether I eat white bread (gasp!) or not.  My sister is tall , I am not. I’m working with what my momma gave me and what I’m trying to give myself!  You need to define what a comfortable, healthy weight and size is FOR YOU , your heart and your soul. It’s the whole picture.  If you are a size 6 and you want to rob a bakery every day , have major headaches and are miserable, maybe your body is not meant to be that size.  If you let yourself got to a size 8, and you feel much better as a whole person, then you have your answer!

We live in a world of polarizing extremes.   I recently got rid of a book I purchased a few years ago, titled ” So and So’s method to a flat stomach” I don’t know why I even purchased the book, lets just say it was an impulse buy during a massive outbreak of PMM- Pre-menstrual-mania. I’m sure I even purchased the book at some super cute Starbucks-BarnesNobility along with a frosted orange-cranberry -scone (my favorite treat , in case you were wondering what to bring me as a baked-good surprise.  )

I’m not immune to the strobe-light eye-bulging-pings of pictures of muscled up models , with their fashionably tousled,  frazzled hair and looks of  undeniable pain and beautiful desperation in their face with quotes such as “If you do not look like me while you are working out, then you should go eat that orange-cranberry -frosted scone while you sob in the corner for not pushing yourself this morning, you lazy , sad person”  Yes, I’m being facetious with my quote; however, unless you live in a hole, you have seen something of this sort somewhere in a magazine, in social media or at the nail salon while buffing up your nails.

I have been down the exercise-lunatic road-  secretly running at 3 am in Boston Massachusetts, ironically “hiding” my completely obvious obsessive compulsive-exercise disorder in the depth of the pre-Team Jacob  hour, praying that no-one would notice my mania.  I would- pretend I was “just taking out the trash” when I came back dripping wet, limping from overused tendons and shaking from hunger in my “running clothes.”  I have had to ceremoniously burn all my fitness fanatic magazines as a form of therapy to rid myself of the demons to have what I thought might have been the perfect figure because I imagined that punishing myself for eating would bring me peace, content and eternal happiness.

I really do not know many women (and some men) who struggle with their body size, image & food intake,  etc on a daily basis. Lest, here I am again , teaching fitness , joining a run club and blogging about what continues to creep into my mind , yes sometimes on a daily basis  Am I dancing with the flame that burnt me to the ground twenty years ago? Should I teach Dance as fitness? (which I came to the conclusion after a few classes that , no , this might not be my skill set , as Carlton Banks tried to sue me for stealing his patented moves)  I have also listed other questions that pop up in my mind and minds of others due to the insidious ADHD’ness of the fitness-fanatic posts..

“Am I working out enough? Am I eating too many carbs?  Am I eating enough carbs? Are carbs and grains really that bad for you?  Seriously now fruit has too much sugar in it??  Am I doing the right exercises? Should I be lifting weights more because strong is the new sexy which is the new skinny which, inevitably the people lifting still look pretty darn skinny so that’s just totally confusing and overwhelming? Should I try to lose 5lbs because someone asked me to be in their challenge group to “get fitter?”   STOP!!!

I want to inspire and motivate people to be and live a healthy lifestyle; yet not let it consume them in a negative self-centered, controlling manner.  I haven’t figured out the best means to carry out this message, but I am learning slowly that standing up for the us “middle-grounders” is a good place to start.  You can be healthy, run, exercise, walk, jog, crawl, teach, box, tae-bo, turbo, ski , jump, hop , bungy jump , swim, zumba, dance, frog jump, play red-light , green light or what have you  and ENJOY IT!  I guess I just feel like health& fitness on social media sends the message that inevitably frightens people the most that really need a reason and an authentic, stimulating catalyst to get up and start appreciating exercise as a part of their life that’s flippin’ fun! not agony!!!!

As I am trying to put into my own words, I’ll lean on the very media that sometime pushes the negative voices in ourselves to an advertisement that literally makes me want to cry because I’m so in love with the message.  I’m referring to the Special K advertisement currently on tv. (google it!).  In a nutshell it’s a variety of beautiful women, all different shapes and sizes, trying on “size-less’ jeans ,with words of inspiration as tag instead of “size x, y or z”.  This advertisement is such a breath of fresh air betwixt the other messages of “do or die to get to a size” .

The inspiration for this blog was my post on Facebook today “What do you think of the popular fitness/health Facebook post “Abs are made in the kitchen”.    Here is a quick summary on how I feel about this post:

  • Being healthy & exercise is more about how I feel than looks. Yes- I want to feel confident about myself- but quilting my way out of something enjoyable to have ripped-up abs- is just not my cup of Joe- Plus Cups of Joe should be starting in the kitchen..For me, it about feeling peaceful & healthy and intuition and moderation play and major role in my decision making when it comes to eating. I do not measure, count calories or weight myself.  (ok, occasionally I step on the scale, but I really try to avoid at all costs)  I am not saying that people who want to lose weight – should follow my protocol, I’m just saying that if I’m not listening to my body in terms of what I feel like I need to eat , and stop when I am full and I’m going by a calorie counter- I end up feeling deprived, restricted and angry.  
  • Please let it be noted, I’m not disrespecting anyone who uses these methods to stay healthy, I think that’s awesome! I’m a HUGE HUGE fan of weight watchers and my fitness pal.c om because it does encourage moderation and nothing is “off limits, I’m simply referring to how my brain works and hoping to inspire people to think about a variety of ways to be healthy, lose weight, gain muscle – etc!

In closing, Do not let your self worth be determined by number on a scale, jean size at  Jones, or a flat stomach flapping in magazine in front of you.    Ok, I wanted my blog to have more of a humorous slant, but for me this is a serious subject too because of the fact that anorexia and obesity are one of the same disease. They are eating disorders, and both should be treated as such. Do you know that when I was anorexic, my therapist made me go to Over-eaters Anonymous?  What the frack?  Well, what I realized is that OA, is not just about – overeating!, it’s about using food to control your emotions!!!  Therefore, my message to anyone that may be struggling with eating and health,  if you feel like you have a serious problem- there is help, and getting control of the emotional aspect of literally “what’s eating away at you”, is the first step in freeing yourself from emotions that bind you into using food/exercise (lack of /overuse) I will list a few hotlines, links below.  Thanks so much for reading! I hope i have inspired or helped at least one person to take the step for a health life , that is not driven by a jean size or a scale number.

http://www.oa.org/

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

http://www.recoverymonth.gov/