Archive for the ‘exercise’ Category

I was inspired to write this blog, amidst the Dad/Mom Bod phenomenon. When I turned 39, I decided it would be a fantastic  idea to break into the fitness industry. There was pressure to eat clean,  train lean and not be mean, while teaching fitness and testing the   the “21-Day-Restriction-I-might-Faint-Diet.”   It stimulated dysfunctional behavior that was triggered by an alcoholic and anorexic past.  While I’m not in obsessive mode right now, I  have some work to do with regards to my relationship with food.

I am not going to rattle of obesity statistics and spew out health knowledge because it’s been done to death. I think that our culture has made food a flashy-fast by-product of our day, washed down with Skinny cocktails,  OR became the complete center of our attention.   I just dropped banana peanut butter on my key board, (peanut butter side down) because I ate my sandwich in 23.5 seconds, so I lean towards flashy-fast.  Finding the middle ground with food, is like trying to find that happy place with the thermostat….when you are pre-peri-menopausal.

There are so many blogs, vlogs, experts, diet commercials, pills, foods, trends, kale recipes that are bombarded into the atmosphere,  I’m beginning to wonder if the demon who plank-walk backwards in horror films, just finished an article from an “Eat Healthy or DIE” blog.

Every day, I talk to or see one person who is giving up a food group in the name of health. …I do not hang out to find the reason.  It’s too much of a trigger for me to restrict food and dislike my my body or feel as though I should be giving up the same food group.

‘There is too much sugar in everything.’
“Simple carbohydrates are Eldiablo.
As a society, it then becomes acceptable eviscerate those who do not exercise with the message of , “Go Big or Go Home.”  Moderation equals lazy.  If we aren’t dripping sweat from every orifice of our body  as we screen shot our rippling abs, it’s not worth effort, so lets just order a cake and eat the whole freaking thing.

The other day I went for a bike ride.  On a non-mountain bike trail with my mountain bike that was built for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  Thirty Three seconds into my ride, my phone rings.  My daughter had a tinkle accident. I picked that bike up like “The Rock”, threw into my bad-ass Ford Pick up, fulfilled my mom duties, and went right back to the  trail. Forty Five seconds later, the chain jammed and came off. This happened fifty three more times.  I was ecstatic.  I was covered in grease and sweat and glory.  I did not care about time or cadence or wind speed or calories burnt or if my core was engaged or whether my inner thighs felt tightened. I had fun. Exercising.

This is a love letter to you.  Let us love our extra skin, cellulite or whatever perceived flaw we have imposed upon our beautiful , amazing , womanly ,  bodies.  We are women.  We are designed to have MORE FAT ON OUR BODY THAN MEN. Period. That shit is genetic.   I’m not trying to leave the dudes out, I know they struggle with body image as well, but I’m speaking from my own experience and hope.

What happened to us?   According to this article

Americans spend SIXTY BILLION DOLLARS on weight loss products.  I’m not a mathematician, but I think we could do better things with this type of cash-money. Yes,  some of those dollars are used towards positive lifestyle choices. Why so much money for magic dust, magic pills, starvation diets, or anything that perpetuates skewed mind-body-food and wellness connection.

The affects of the health and fitness industry are not all bad. There are sites that promote moderately infused health and balance, such as My Fitness Pal.   When I treat my health journey moderately, I learned a lot of healthy  habits and craved  healthier foods. I stopped cycles of binging and purging and starving and over-exercising.

The  diet demons are still there.   The voices that tell me that  flour and sugar will turn me into a raging cocaine addict. Somewhere, Somehow, Someone made a flawed comparison of cocaine to sugar and flour.  Puppies and Meerkats  stimulate the same “nerve receptors’ as cocaine and sugar,  so no more cute and cuddly ?  The voices that expel disparaging rhetoric in our brains propels polarizing extremes in a society that desperately needs balance.     The voices that tell us that moderation is for the weak and carbohydrates are the spawn of all things that sag and dimple.

I ask you today, to write a love letter to your body. Simple. Balanced. Elegant. If you do feel overweight or need to lose weight for medical reasons, Trust me when I tell you, if you learn to love your body for what it’s able to do RIGHT NOW AT THIS VERY MINUTE, and you learn to love yourself for WHO YOU ARE AT THIS VERY MINUTE, the scale will become less of an issue.  The  jiggle and cellulite blogs will be out of your radar.  You won’t gawk at abs.  Okay maybe Magic Mike Dancing Abs.  I’m not 100% there in 100% acceptance of my body. I still turn around and examine my cellulite.  I still step on the scale and say “Sh..”.  I still compare myself to my friends that don’t eat sugar or bread.

But I love myself so much more than I ever did when I was skinnier, ripped and could hold a plank for two minutes.

This is not me on a bike. .but I couldn’t find any of me on a bike !! and this was pretty darn fun too!!:)





I have gained a few lbs. I will always have food and body image demons.

Here’s the thing..It’s not about  narcissism..I honestly don’t give two shits about what you think of my body. It’s about control, and as a mom of two growing kids in a society where “what’s up is down” with every new food and medical break-through,  it’s a “cotter-jammed” miracle my head hasn’t spontaneously combusted  at the market. Yes , I said cotter-jammed.

When I was anorexic,  I knew I looked like a scary-zombie-Batshit-crazy person. It had nothing to do with my  appearance , and everything to do with being in control because if I could make that number on the scale go down, anything was worth that 33 second blip of relief, even if it was encapsulated  in “Shit, Im on the crazy train now!”.

As a mom,  control over my weight has everything to do with the anxiety I feel  for NOT having control over  the painful obstacles my kids may face in society. I know shielding them from all pain is nonsensical and counter productive, but it  is NOT counter-intuitive.

It’s in my genetic-mom- makeup to hold on until deeper wrinkles set into my “OMG AM I DOING THIS RIGHT?” face.  It’s in my gut to worry about whether or not some bully may crush their spirit at any given time. It’s par  for the course , to wish we could just skip middle school because of all the horror stories unleashed into the cyber atmosphere.

I know it’s counter-productive to obsess over weight as a means to control life. I know this at so many levels I can’t  express in words. I know it’s a combination  of my ADHD that causes me panic because I absorb every health and fitness article as a criticism  towards my own perceived body inadequacies. I don’t  know, why some days , it’s not even a blip on the radar,  and other days , I move my scale all around the house until I receive an acceptable  number. I do know that if I write  “it” out,  I can level my brain to move forward , lighten the eff up, and focus on what really matters…”What’s for lunch today? “

Extreme Health fanatics are driving away the people that need the most help with the catchy article titles below:

“Five foods to NEVER EAT EVER!”

” Eat this and your kids will have cancer for sure! ”

” What are you  feeding your child? ?? They are destined to be drug addicts!”

“Hey! You want flat abs?? buy these teeny tiny portioned containers and you will achieve the success you have always imagined!”

Yes.  I’ve embellished a bit, but sadly , I haven’t embellished  too  much with my titles.

Health is a  mind-body connection and an inside to the outside job.  If the health /wellness /fitness industry used their 50 billion*  dollars a year on promoting a solution for the overall mind-body connection on how to develop a healthy relationship  with food, we would see a major shift in health problems linked to obesity or poor lifestyle choices.

Please stop equating a ripped stomach, cellulite free , and insanely muscular person, as the epitome of health. Every day I see food-policing-posts and medical-black-ops blogs  via the interwebs and it must drive eating-disordered behavior because people truly believe that these “opinions” are FACTS.

I wish someone would do a study on the link between a person who scours the internet for tips on weight loss or how to shed those last 5 lbs, and eating disorders.  There must be a scary link between people who follow unrealistic body imagery with misguided  enthusistic “eat-this-not that”  and  disordered eating and exercise habits. From my experience,  scouring fitness magazines and hanging with people who exercised obessively, fueled my 80 lb-track-running-frame.

For example, I just saw a  fitness person post  – she ate 15 or 20
” health cookies” in one sitting and it was “ok” because she had “flat abs”  a  gazzilion followers applauding this logic.   I also saw another fitness  person post an image of a child smoking , equating this to giving a child sugar.  This “shock and awe”, unrealistic- body imagery  sends a  message that is sure to confuse the vulnerable or the person who has tried everything else and needs to be plastered  with a “call you action”.
Sadly, it’s this type of unbalanced,  injudicious  message  that brings in the most bank and publicity.

I ranged  20 -40 bs lighter (anorexic for a time ) drinking diet soda, way too much booze and smoking cigarettes. Oh and I ran a shit ton of miles. When I wasn’t anorexic,  I was asked   if I was a professional athlete or a ballet dancer. When we use weight and outward body appearance  as the only measurement of health it’s   like judging a car’s safety by its exterior appearance.

Typically my posts are more light hearted and funny. Honestly,  I am 43, my wieght has fluctuated a bit recently and I’m just so f…ING tired of seeing this shit on the Interwebs over and over again, because it makes me feel bad for having love handles for the 2nd time in my life (1st time. I was a baby…OK maybe I had them after babies too :))

I really  try to hold back on “ranting” but a close friend of mine told me that she finds writing  out her grievances  , even in a public forum , to be cathartic.  I go back and forth between being 
open and honest to covering up some of my “pain” with laughter……. Therefore,  please be thankful I’m not blogging my journal entries. ☺

*I’m guessing, but I have written  on this topic before and it’s very close to that number and I’m too laden down my bad eating habits to go look it up right now.😬

I am both relieved and saddened that I have more energy when I am not exercising as if I’m in  the Cross Fit Reebox commercial. As much as I have that badassery  within the tire-flippin’ part of my brain, I have to quiet the competitive  need to burn as many calories as everyone I see on Facebook. Or Run  as many miles.
Or plank as many minutes .
Or break my gammies antique stools. from trying to do Yoga Handstands.
or bake as many super  food power protein Chia seeded coconut ed non GMO cheese it free pancakes.

Moderation comes as easy to me as social boundaries come to Kayne  West. I never learned moderation and I only knew how to live within the extreme manifests of my soul. I was only living when I was burning all 60 wicks of the candle.

Now,  I am most at peace with my soul , when I find fulfillment in the concept of “I am Enough”.  This concept is NOT to be confused with stagnation and complacency, it only means that I can feel more peace by striving for less competition between me and who?,

The younger  version of myself?
The Career  mom?
The Organic mom?
The perfect chocolate chip cookie mom?
The Intellectual mom?
The Mom who isn’t scared of 50 shades of Grey?

No, I am NOT labeling  other moms,  I am labeling what I PERCEIVE  myself to be in my doe-eyed quest for that healthy recipe with the perfect flu fighting antioxidants….

my quest to feel whole.
my quest to scream “I HAVE A JOB!!!”
my quest to fight  against the proverbial chameleon  mold-fitting  stereotype of jello molded suburbia.
my quest to not feel like I’m schizophrenic – ally split  between mom. wife. friend. sister. daughter. mean mom. nice mom. inconsistent mom. messy mom. clean mom.

That’s all.

I’m going to try and “blurp” 3x a week, without giving an “eff” about grammar..verb agreement. & opinions. word count. and just “write”.

LITERALLY you can find something bad about EVERY SINGLE FOOD on this earth and guess what !!  it’s mostly on FaceBook!! I literally just saw five comments as to why Greek Yogurt is like “omg toats so bad for you like whatever”  I understand going after sodas, twinkies and pop rocks but..Greek FREAKING YOGURT?

This is just ONE example. Everything is under attack these days. “Bread. Grains. Nut butters. Water. Meats. Cheeses. Eat Bacon. No do not eat Bacon. Yes do. no do not. Plant protein is good. No it is bad. Yes it is good.” 
CHEEZITCRACKERS!! no wonder why people do not want to make an effort to get healthy because “health fanatics” make it so @$!##// complicated!!

Lately people seem to “troll” Facebook to smash someone’s normal view of what’s healthy and its really starting to make my blood boil, so my solution to keeping my blood icey-cold like an ice  vampire-princess is to LET IT GO through writing it OUT.

Here is  My 5 messages to people who troll and food-shame!

1) Be grateful to have food because some people literally do not have a choice.

2) “Don’t go chasing waterfalls, stick with the rivers &^/$ streams people are used too!!” (paraphrase of TLC song) Meaning,  if YOU TRULY want to help people make healthier choices, and you TRULY CARE!  KEEP IT SIMPLE and UPLIFTING!

3) STOP SAYING SUGAR IS BAD FOR YOU. Everything is bad in excess. EVERYTHING. Even healthy foods.


If I were overweight right now (which I was overweight after my bout with anorexia AND according to my insanely skinny OBGYN nurse when I was pregnant  with my first child) , the incessant barrage of scare-tactic-shock-awe articles AND videos of people in poor health,  would drive me right into a box of doughnuts with extra-genetically modified-chromosome-extra-saturated-fat flavored-icing.

5) Stop with the self righteous indignation. People who want to get healthy want to be INSPIRED, not chastised and lectured.

I am just tired of seeing people lean to the extreme lecture tactics under the guise of trying to help people make healthier choices. I personally think there is a huge dichotomy between being too healthy and restrictive and being too indulgent in this nation.  Yes, health is a very serious issue in our nation,  but invoking change comes from inspirational messages speckled with straight-forward-non-controversial suggestions on ways people can implement steps into their daily life to make changes in their health.

*I do not know where I stand on the GMO , Non GMO debate and for my own peace, serenity and well -being of my family, I do the best I can with the knowledge I have obtained on this subject and choose AVOID becoming intellectually embroiled on that subject matter any longer. I absolutely do not want any more information on the subject matter at this particular time in my life*

I am an exercise-bulimic survivor or anorexic survivor. I was labeled as both by the physicians and nutritionist that treated me during this dark time. These old demons come back sometimes subtly, sometimes fiercely. I also have other “isms” but today, for a short moment,  I will focus on this “minion-to-demon” creature that lies on a hammock in my brain.

The ONE truest thing I have learned about nutrition/food is do not believe the hype.  If it’s too “good” or too “bad” to be true, it probably is or is not the truth. The minute I “restrict” some “food” based on the newest “craze”, (I.e breads grains yes EVEN SUGAR!) is the the minute I go stark raving mad and end up eating more than I needed and eating from emotional pain. I would much rather have a peaceful mind than a perfect body.

I know, “What’s up with the dang air quotes Scrappie?” I have to generalize because the amount of examples I could provide would make my ADHD spin and I would spent the next four hours Googling “the dangers x,y & z food” . I simply cannot spiral into a world where I am paralyzed by food choices. Been There, Done That, it’s really a shitty place to rent.

I apologize to all the waitstaff I interrogated about my food preparation or for scaring my Dad for running at 2am, in the streets of Boston. By myself.  an 80 lb crazed lunatic of defenseless, foodless adrenaline. I thank the Guardian angel that silently ran beside me, helping my twisted ankles heal so I could safely return home, each twilight. I am sure I have more amends to make during my boney reign of terror, but the wide eyed looks of bewilderment on waitstaffs’ and my Dad’s faces alike, are painfully clear  to me right now.

I am  irritated with the health and fitness industry for catering how exercise and restrictive eating makes us  “look” versus how it makes us “feel” and HOW it can help our OVERALL MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH. Of course,  I want to feel good about how I look, but when I see a scantily clad fitness model, butt cheeks hanging out, and flexing with a Carrot Stick in between her teeth captioned “Abs are made in The Kitchen” , it actually makes me nauseous and sad.

I have to rephrase the beginning of the last paragraph. I do not believe you have to practice restrictive eating habits and ‘reedunkulous’ exercise routines to impact your OVERALL MENTAL AND PHYSICAL HEALTH. What I am trying to say is, I’m frustrated with this message that is being sent by some leaders in the health and fitness industry. When I do see this type of message, I try to block it from my social media path and try to block it from my brain.

I LOVE intense cardiovascular exercise. Love it. I love to bike, jog, kick box , dance, bur-pees; all of it, and I could become obsessed with any of it , if I do not keep myself in check. I do not love yoga or strength training but I balance a little bit of everything because I know it’s good for my overall health and yes, I must admit stretching and yoga “stuff” feels good if I am perfectly honest with myself.

“What spurred this blog and where am I going with my story? Food shaming on social media.  Yes, you are darn right I’m oversensitive about being over-informed with which foods are going to turn me into a cocaine addict or how my kids are going to get cancer if I make one wrong decision at the grocery store. (yes I am exaggerating).

I am tired  seeing pictures of a Coke can labeled “Obesity” as a parody to their new marketing campaign, in name of “health promotion”.  I do not want to know about the McDonald’s hamburgers that survived  your latest scientific health experiment.

Clean Eating. Who came up with this term?  So anyone that eats out of a “box” or eats “white” flour or whatever is not grown by your restrictive healthy guidelines is eating “dirty?” or “cheating”?? This truly does not seem like a healthy message to send go anyone ESPECIALLY , young adults, who are very active on social media.

One out of five/seven kids go hungry in the US every day*.  The dichotomy between the health/fitness/diet industry and the poverty levels of Americans who do not have enough to eat, makes my head mushy and steam comes out of my ears. Therefore, to stay in the solution and away from the ‘soapboxbitchfest’,  I am going to leave to links that raise awareness on this issue.** (below)

There are more inspirational ways to reach people who need help in learning how to eat healthy and exercise regularly. Food Shaming and making people feel like shit because they are overweight is not inspirational or motivational. Maybe I am the only one who feels like this , but I can guarantee you if there are any other eating disordered (over-eaters, over- exercisers under-eaters etc) people who see this in their news-feed, I’m guessing they are getting pretty annoyed or even retreating into their disease with the “health-scolding” via social media.

This is my “angriest” blog written to date. I HATE to offend or make people angry or especially hurt people’s feelings. Lately I have realized, I will never  grow as a writer if I am constantly worried about people being angry because they did not like my views.  I am not an angry person, but I am passionate and sometimes its difficult to translate that message perfectly.  I attribute this blog to those writers who have inspired me to be more honest, through their passionate blogs; specifically Baby Sideburns, The Bloggess, Rosie Smartie Pants, We don’t Chew Glass, Drifting through My Open Mind and a girl named Sasha who is always commenting on my blog, and I am embarrassed because I can’t find her blog right now, so if you read this , please please link your blog in the comments!!!

No Kid  Hungry:

Women’s Health Feed Run, sent to me from a dear runner friend:!/main

Bloggers mentioned above who inspire me:

the Bloggess:

Baby Sideburns:

Rosie Smartie Pants:

We Don’t Chew Glass:

Drifting through my Open Mind:


a picture. bc pintrest keeps just posting my avatar.

Seriously, if you could walk inside my brain you would be like “OMG. I HATE ROLLER COASTERS”. It’s REALLY busy in there.   I look forward to sleep because it means I am able to stop my brain from circling around like a tornado. I know deep in my soul I am a “writer” because I am always talking to myself, fighting with myself, directing myself, or having full blown debates WITH MYSELF on whether or not I have pushed the wrinkle shield on the dryer four or five times today.   Due  to the summer and “mom life”, I have been seriously side tracked like that runaway train in Unstoppable. I am NOT complaining.  The best way to describe what I am feeling right now can be explained as follows (especially to women because we seem to struggle with this scenario more than men):

  • You get a normal rhythm going with moderate healthy eating and exercise (I say moderate because I tend to get all obsessive about these things and moderation is really the only way I can stay sane)
  • Something happens (the eclipse. Kayne Marries Kim.  You get sidetracked with a debate on whether Beyonce is “all dat” or not, or you get sick..You know lifey stuff
  • The “hiccup of derailment”  catapults into days. weeks. month. You start eating cheetos for breakfast.  You count the “Insanity” Info-Mercial as “exercise”.

You get my point.  Once you get off that routine, you start psyching yourself out to STAY OFF because you are pissed at yourself for getting off in the first place and then you just let the “hiccup of derailment” become  a paralysis of production.  This is precisely what has occurred with my writing.  Yes, I have been  updated my journal but lets face it guys, I can’t even read what I wrote.   One of my entries is as follows:

Roman Numeral 56:  August 24th, Sprayed shower head outside of the shower. mess.  exercise ball bust tread. difficulty “ganning”?  thots.

I will spare you poor souls who are trapped reading my stream of consciousness writing, by not transcribing any more of my journal entries. (You want to stop reading my blog, but you just cannot stop, I’m like a four hour Lifetime movie)  Let me translate:  On August 24th,  I became misguided with which shower-turning-apparatus to utilize and the detachable shower-head was pointing out beyond the shower door. Needless to say, I was on the inverted loop part of my roller coaster brain and rather than JUST TURNING THE SHOWER OFF, I took way to long to reach up (on my tippie tippie toes because I’m vertically challenged) to BARELY commence the cessation of Niagara Falls onto my bathroom floor.  Additionally, my son felt it would be a fabulous idea to put the exercise-ball on the treadmill and hit ZOOM, in which it got trapped under treadmill and exploded. I will say , I had to hide my laughter when telling him that these are not appropriate extra curricular activities in the the basement.  My friend of four high spirited children responded with a “ROFL” text when I told her this story.

Do you know how many emails I have sent to myself to be filed under my gmail label “Writing ideas”? SIX HUNDRED TWENTY!!!  and the majority of these ideas were in the last couple of months. Writing prompts are my Kryptonite because I am a WALKING WRITING PROMPT!   I also thought it would be a fabulous idea to FIND writing contests to enter in an effort to feel like a more “productive writer”.   I think that last sentence was uttered out loud to my   husband which triggered a “head in his hands head shake” and the exclamation  “FOR THE LOVE OF MANKIND!! JUST FREAKING WRITE LAURIE!”

I am a solution oriented person. Yes it takes me a little bit longer to find a solution but I’m a scrappie, determined fighter, mixed with a philosophical-debating-furrowed-brow chromosome where my thoughts go to war with each other like the dudes from that movie 300.  (Apparently the latter of that sentence is now referred to as “RBF or Resting Bitch Face”, which I find HYSTERICAL because there is no guesswork in pinpointing when I am lost in my thoughts).    I do not want to say “I’m too smart for my own good”, because as referenced above from the  Suburban-Mom-Psycho-incident , that clearly isn’t the case.  In an effort to stay in the solution, I am going to list  acitivies that I will STOP doing immediately deter me from writing:

  • Reading the comments section on controversial blog topics  – People seem to take out their repressed child hood anger on bloggers via the  comment sections. I have had nightmares of an angry polemicist finding my blog and slicing me to pieces  with his/her verbal mastery.
  • Reading the comments section on high-profile Facebook posts/topics –  I am scared for all mankind and I feel like building a bunker and going into hiding after such an activity.
  • Googling “Does Kelly Ripa Eat Carbs”
  • Comparing myself to other MOMS.
  • Watching the “Anaconda” video and weeping like a baby because Sir Mix A Lot’s “Baby Got Back” has been forever ruined, and probably won’t be played at my retirement home in twenty five years.
  • Staring at my 620 writing prompts and saying “eff-it I just do not even know where to START,  omg, Sea-Salt-Gelato sounds so good right now!”
  • Taking Vanilla Ice’s  prose literally:  “If there is a problem, yo I’ll solve it” in thinking I can and need to solve the world’s problems, ESPECIALLY on Facebook (blog about my Facebook hiatus later..) tragedies  unfold at an alarming pace in our world and I absorb it ALL.
  • Obsessively cleaning.  I have to find a balance between “eff-it” and “Mommie Dearest episodes of the Clorox Rave party”
  • “Am I a good writer?” NEEDS to be eliminated from my thought process and from my vernacular


And No, I am not drinking.






I’m too tired to write a blog so I “screenshotted” my instagram sentiments.
I felt it blog-worthy.
questions below are rhetorical and somewhat facetious. I know chickens don’t eat grass. I know as much as I want to know about the war on GMO and I am NOT looking for a debate or an argument with the Food Babe groupies. I’m looking for balance, serenity, peace and not feel like my families insides are rotting from cancer because I eat yogurt and cheese and my kids eat sugar.



In a world that screams “be better, faster, stronger, thinner, happier, healthier, smarter, bouncier, boingier, etc”, we become our own worst critic. I believe in change, but not when it threatens the acceptance of who we are at  our core of beautiful personalities, which makes us special, unique, quirky and dynamic.

The most tumultuous battles I fight are with myself are because I’m not measuring up with what “I think” people need me to be doing, saying or being at this very moment.  “PEOPLE PLEASING” is a disease and it can literally kill your soul, your creativity, drive addicts to use again, incite aggression and make people mentally breakdown. I know from experience that when I am not being true to myself and my beliefs and I’m “buying in” to what other people are “selling” (metaphorically and literally) and I am not listening to my gut instincts, I end up in situations of regret and resentment.

Yes, we absolutely need to be considerate, kind and strive to help out our fellows. It is the times when we extend ourselves to others in full self abandonment, we end up on an empty gas tank forgetting to “fill~up” the most important person in the relationship equation, ourselves.  Self ~ Love does not mean becoming a doormat for others and saying “yes” to every request and demand. People who truly love us want us to say “No” or let our voices be heard.  People who thrive on YOUR “people pleasing”, are not loving you, they are using and manipulating you to gain something for themselves.

So why is Funny Lady Scrappie-Momma being so serious? I have been doing a lot of soul~searching, trying to find the real cause of my anxiety. I , like many, suffer from anxiety, depression and “projectile~future~vomiting”. Trust me , its LIGHT YEARS better than it was in my twenties and even thirties.  The truth is, the more peace I feel daily,  the more PEACE I need to feel daily,  and to shut the mental wars in my mind that occur in my brain.  I can create a tornado of distress in the middle of a sunshine filled day if I do not keep the “projectile~future~vomit” “inner voices in check.

I grew up with a lot of chaos. I finally provided a glimpse of my horrendous foster care  and schizophrenic Mom stories with my son and his response was “Wow, Mom you are the most interesting person I know!”..Wow, what a revelation,  rather than feeling shame or trepidation from my roller coaster childhood, I have amazing knowledge, strength and passion I can share my story in hopes to help others overcome barriers to full inner peace. (book!)  For me, when I feel peace, my brain is wired to say “OH SNAP, THIS SHIT ABOUT TO GET REAL, WAIT FOR IT SOMETHING INSANE ABOUT TO POP OFF BRO” (because my inner voice is most definitely a hip hop artist) . The reason my brain is wired like this is because for thirty years, it’s exactly how it happened for me!

In my childhood and through adulthood something “popped off” every one, two, to three years without fail. In a mirage of inconsistency, the one driving constant for me was turbulence.  Foster care, death, suicide,  divorce, alcoholism, anorexia,  etc. etc, either circumstantial or of my own , and at the time I thought, innocuous creations.  After 18, I definitely would subconsciously create sabotage, drama and mayhem because I thrived on burning the candle with a million ends. I use the terms innocuous and subconscious because I had developed my very own PHD from the”auto-pilot-drama” academy, where I was the student, teacher and graduate, completely oblivious to the sabotage I created for myself and to those around me.

In closing, this blog post started out as a Facebook post on my blog page I lose people after 140 characters and it took on a venue of its own.  The only goal I have for myself is to do things that bring me PEACE. I SIMPLY cannot be the Mom trying to outpace other Mom’s in whatever societal race we have created to raise Super Children. I cannot buy into the sensationalistic articles ( if you read them all, which I did for two years as a “health~coach”)  ,after all deductions and conclusions of said reading, I surmise facetiously, Organic Kale is the only food that won’t kill us. As Jim Gaffigan so eloquently stated in his recent stand up Obsessed, “Kale tastes like bitter spinach and hair”, and  after MANY attempts to try and like Kale, I have to agree. I just don’t like kale.






Shortest Blog ever by Scrappie Momma:

I stopped counting the calories,
I put the scale in the garage,
I refuse to be addicted
To this perfectionist mirage

Everyday can be struggle
Of “omg is this organic??”
Bc every health article I read
Seems to send me into a panic

Health will ALWAYS be a part of me
BC my 9th grade health teacher was Hawt
Ok that’s not entirely true
But I think I just laughed a lot

I’m trying to live in moderation
Break the chains of control that confine me
So if you see me reading a label in deliberation
Tell me its ok, life is a gift, let it go & be free

I rarely blast out rhymes
This literally just popped into my head
I blog most of the time
Possibly, I just lost my Rap Street cred*

My head is a Rolodex in the wind
Where I control the uncontrollable around me
Somewhere I learned enjoying food was a sin
But thankfully I’m slowly learning  to just BE

I have no clue how to end a poem
The words don’t flow as easily
Just a quick glimpse I have shown
& help my day go more readily


* Kind of an inside joke, a lot of aspiring rap artists follow me on twitter. I mean not a lot, but enough where I’m wondering if Scrappie Momma is being mistaken  for Lil Momma or Drop Dem Rhymes Momma?  Who knows, I just hope there is no misconception that I have 1) any street cred because I grew up on farms,  a fishing village and in Shaker Heights Ohio, and 2) that I can rap, because I do try and it’s horrendous.


This quote “don’t need much splainin'” but I’m a writer so, ‘splainin’ is my business.

I’m a messy perfectionist betwixt a swiss cheese layering of benevolent narcissism.   I struggle with thinking my best isn’t ever good enough (for who ?? See below) and as much as I try NOT TO,  I absolutely do compare myself to my peers. Im human. I am shocked when people really LIKE me and I sm just as shocked when they don’t really LIKE me.

My therapy? Group therapy. Writing. Mediation. Music. Specifically , bootie music (I have blogged about this a few times. :)) Exercise (in moderation). Apologizing when I am wrong. (Which is a lot) . Good food. I am a foodie. Bc I do love layered foods and I hate feel deprived or ‘hangry’ as the hipster call it. (Sometimes healthy &sometimes because I want a piece of lemon pound cake. ) Moderation. BALANCE. Writing. Writing. Writing & more writing. Laughter. Laughter. Laughter. And more laughter.

I need to read more and analyze less. I need to chill more and analyze less. I need to ‘be in the now’ more and analyze less. I need to feel more and analyze less. When I was a child, my father constantly and consistently told me to ‘slow down’.

If you take away one thing from this short blog, it should be this. You will never regret to moments where you just let youself accept yourself where you are at this VERY MOMENT.

Dream and Grow but don’t criticize yourself for all the you are and all that you will be AT THIS VERY MOMENT.


Footnote ** I “stole “don’t need much splainin'” from Jason Derulos new song and “benevolent narcissism” from Rob Lowes description of himself. Read Steal Like an Artist by Austin Kleon.