Archive for the ‘coffee’ Category

I recently saw a few blogs on why Facebook is literally causing depression. I get it.   We only show the highlight reel and for someone who may not be having ANY highlight reel to show at this very moment, it is depressing.  Its like the time when my husband brought me  six magazines of “How Celebrities got their  Body back in 2 days After Baby” , after my second child (It truly was honest mistake, really, I told him to grab me celebrity-gossipy-mindless magazines and apparently it was Baby season).

It may be the linked articles to warn people of the dangers of the world that are causing anxiety and depression. Some of them help me; for example, there was one about how to spray my children with vinegar to ward of ticks and  that calmed my bug phobia for about five seconds. There are certain articles that I am very happy to read and there are certain articles I do not  need to be reading because it just feeds  my phobia and anxiety.

Listed below are what goes on behind all my  gleeful pictures.   I’m guilty of only posting the highlight reel on Facebook (or Instagram) because that’s human nature.  Although, I do post pictures of toilet paper rolls and paper towel rolls not on their appropriate rod because we are much too busy of a family to be bothered with all that nonsense.

1) My kids only brush their teeth once a day. I’m working on it, it just is what it is right now.

2) I use real cream and drink real coffee in the morning. GASP.   For me, it’s more than coffee, It’s about memories, the aroma, the greetings to my children as I’m pouring a cup “GET UP NOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!”, choosing the perfect cup, the sip/slurp sound, the deep breaths, did I already say the aroma?    With the advent of our society fighting obesity (which I think is awesome), people are giving up EVERYTHING but nuts and twigs.  For me,    I HAVE to be in the middle of the road, the clown in the passenger seat in the way back of the tiny car, and on the Wall of Gaylord (see Meet the Fockers) when it comes to just about anything.   (elaboration below)**

3) I do not sit up straight at the computer.  I have improved my posture overall (because it used to be atrocious) but at the computer , when I’m in the zone, like a computer programmer (which I am not AT ALL ,see previous blogs, re computer murderer), I end up slouching , a lot , mostly because I can’t see the screen very well which brings me to …..

4) I really need to be wearing reading glasses because I squint a lot at the computer too; hence the reason why I can’t sit perfectly straight at the perfect distance from the computer.  Like right now, I’m really trying, man.

5) My kids are not voracious readers, writers, athletes, “mathletes”, gymnasts,  or dancers. They play in the soccer league that gives out trophies for showing up and yes I have read the articles about how “awful” some people think giving out trophies to everyone is for a child. Really? that is what you think is awful with our society?  Trust me, my kids face plenty of rejection and obstacles, I am not too worried about “trophy disease” harming their adulthood.    My opinion is PUSHING them   24/7 is only going to backfire.  I do involve them in sports etc, and have them read and write some in the summer, but it is light years away from any kind of Tiger Mom style of parenting, or even in my neighborhood for that matter.

6)   I do not have an elaborate chore system for my children.    I keep it extremely basic. No fancy Pint-rest boards of chores with bedazzled clothes pins and 4-D stickers and mishmashes of crafts that mark their achievements in CHORE-LAND.  I HAVE TRIED WITH CHORE-LAND and almost super-glued myself to the chore chart.  We ended up with a skinny lizard (he goes on hunger strikes)  because of Crafty Chore time.   Right now, I have a sticky note on the fridge that indicates, they can earn one dollar for three basic chores, and one of them is cleaning their room which some people think is ridiculous.  I grew up with way more chores than I personally think should have been placed on a young child, and for the most part, it did not really help prepare me for much of anything other than anxiety about germs.

7)  On the flip side, I’m terrified to let my nine year old ride around the neighborhood with his friends. Most kids my son’s age in are riding their bikes in the neighborhood,  and I do not know where I stand with this right now. I trust him, it’s the cars going 75 miles an hour on a a subdivision strip, I do not trust.  I am NOT judging the moms that allow their kids to do this at ALL. I know it’s my own fears and  trepidations, all I am saying is I am working through this debacle as we speak, right now.

8) I a bit of a “yeller.” Yes, when I get frustrated, especially in the summer, I do yell , maybe at the computer, or at the mess, or even at the kids.  I do not scream, or maybe once or twice ;), but I do raise my voice. I try to get down on their level, but I’m human and I get frustrated and I yell.

9) I can not fix my daughters hair. Giant bows fall out. Braids look like dread locks.  9/10, even if I do get it right , she has it all in her face within an hour.

10) Even though I have a phobia of my house being “clean”, it’s usually fairly messy. My kids are messy.  It’s very strange, the toilets are sparkling, but my house is kind of messy,  compared to images we see on Facebook. I’m guilty , I showed an immaculate picture of my son’s room after I re-organized one fall., Seriously, it stayed like that for five minutes, and then I get frustrated and yes I yell,  because their rooms get messy all, the time, but I don’t give them a trophy  for cleaning their room.

I guess I need to make an more elaborate chore chart for the whole family.

Footnotes:

* I actually try to use with coconut creamer and coconut sugar mixed with regular cream, (I know it’s highly complicated scenario but have you read my blogs? ) to be “more healthy”.

**Articles, blogs & Memes that center on “perfection”,  “No Excuses”,   “Train Lean, Eat Clean”, “ABS are made in the kitchen” ,”Accept nothing less than the BEST”, etc etc,  usually end up hidden in my news feed. I get it, it’s my issue.  I am a recovering anorexic and recovering alcoholic. I simply can not get caught up in feeling like who I am or what I am doing is less than what I should be doing at any given time or I will want to go back to bad habits. I applaud the 18 ab~ pack mom with 75 kids who works out  relentlessly and runs her own MLM business then captions it with a “What’s Your Excuse” Meme, BRAVO, but it does NOTHING to inspire me.

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My morning started with this text to my husband. I’m sorry if its #tmi as the hipster kids say, but I write what I know. Seriously? I haven’t even had my breakfast and my sister stayed over so the coffee is so strong I was so jittery I could barely snake the toilet, or ter~lit as they say on Swamp Things.  I text-ed him a picture of all the garden tools while we were talking on the phone because I assuredly explained to him the snake tool is NOT IN THE BASEMENT.  Upon further investigation and many sighs on the other end, yes the conversation ended with “Oh, Okay sorry to bother you , yes I see it now”

Next, I head out to the bus stop and lo and behold, I always gather new information about what I have missed as a Non Super Mom. Mind you, the other two moms have three and four children each, I have two so I am always perplexed when I am the one consistently not getting the memos! Okay, maybe the memos do not get perused as carefully as they should on a daily basis. Apparently there was a giant Art and Chorus night for my son’s school at the Academy and the new Community Center (which I did not even know existed till this morning). I promptly emailed his teacher as follows:

  • I missed  _(son’s name)____ art night I got confused bc my daughter’s is tomorrow night and disregarded email bc I thought it was reminder for hers, oops. Is it all week? Can you forward me the email again. So Sorry, :) 

Her Response:

  • Hey Laurie, no it was just last night. All of the art work was displayed and they had a chorus concert. I am sure he will be able to bring home his artwork at some point. Sorry you missed it!

My response:

  • Ok sorry he missed chorus thing.

Needless to say, I was LOVE to be a fly on the wall during lunch in the Teachers lounge as they discuss the email of the week from Ms Laurie Jane.  Considering I called the pediatrician, daily, sometimes thrice daily, when my first born was well, first born, they really should not be surprised I am this insane.  Maybe pediatricians and teachers should all swap and forward on notes about the parents so everyone is on the same page and the expectations are set appropriately as to what to expect from parents. Notice I said parents, because I am most fiarly certain that the teachers worst headache is never an unruly child, it’s the parents like me who , as I have mentioned before, never got the manual from the hospital when the storks delivered the children.

In closing, I found the snake thing, I will try to insert said pictures into this but the phone I own takes these enormous pictures and I can not for the life of me figure out how to edit the pictures properly on Word Press. YES! I know there are many books on how to use Word Press and I have tried reading them all and I usually end up in a nap coma for four hours because 1) I do not understand the books and 2) the make me sleepy.  Tomorrow night is my daughter’s Arts Night. I have 4 pieces of paper and 6 stickies cemented  on various mirrors and appliances , reminding me I have two children and it really should not be this difficult.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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THIS IS MY JAM

Not lake tahoe because I have never been. I mean I’d LOVE to go and it probably would be my JAM if I went, but I can not falsely advertise that I went. This relic is one of those “my hubs went to a starbux in Tahoe and brought me home a mug”  type of gifts!

Thank goodness it was not a t-shirt because we have so many t-shirts and I have an unbelievable time parting with t-shirts. I get kind of weepy and “vaclempt” when they get demoted to the rag pile. Yes, vaclempt is an actual word, I gleaned it from my rigorous studies of Saturday Live watching AND just googled it to verify I was using the vernacular correctly. I am pretty sure I utilized vernacular correctly. I am NOT googling it though, because I am short on time, because I hit snooze to many times! Hey that rhymes, maybe I should really rethink my career as a hip.hop artitst. I will put  a pen in it.

THIS is also why Twitter hates me because of the 140 characters rule.  Oh friends, the roads we could go down on why I love coffee!  I blame Twitter for stifling my writing and my creativity. I’ll write a scathing letter to them later today unleashing my disheartened demeanor at how they have completely steered me experience unparralled vicissitudes in life. *

Ahhh, the nectar of the gods, the skip in my step, the warm tingling in soul, the jitters I experience at 10 am because I drank the whole pot, the black crud that burns to the bottom because I did not turn off the burner, wait where was I going with this?

YES, Alas coffee is more than a beverage. Its a morning ritual that esse could be summed up with the sentence “THIS IS MY JAM” , but we all know, I am NOT one of few words.

* I’m joking, I am not writing a letter to Twitter.